A New Beginning

Konnichiwaaaaaaaaaa …


It feels good 2 b resurrected again after months of silence and disappearance. My apologies for such unavoidable circumstance in which, I believe, many of u r aware dat my silence in blogging sphere is well justified – got to accomplish 20,000 Masters of Arts Thesis at Malaya. And all praise due to Almighty, with all your prayers and support, the humble, flaw and imperfect piece of mind has been produced, bearing the title of “The Declining Superpower: The Case of 9/11 and Aftermath.” Upon this submission therefore, I have successfully concluded my mission in Malaya in less than a month ago.



Nevertheless, when a story ends, a new chapter begins. Fate and destiny are full of surprises, indeed. Nothing crosses me mind, since I was a kid, dat I will be able 2 witness da mesmerised ambience of Nihon a.k.a. Japan. In fact, I din allocate much interest on the country (n I blame Korean Series 4 dis: 4 making me wandering and dying 2 land myself there rather than in Japan). But God is Great. He never disappoints me in allowing me 2 c da world n meet new ppl although, in da past, I’ve been very much disgruntled wif journey in me life… n I profusely telling n training me heart dat, “I need not 2 av a reason 2 b angry wif God.”


LIFE IS FULL OF UNEXPECTED SURPRISES.


Maybe, dis is wat we perceive as wisdom behind things. God knows how desire I was (and I still am) to go back 2 da Elizabethan soil. He knows how unhappy I am been stuck n stranded in Malaysia 4 quite a long time. Wif all da toubles n conflicts dat I left back home n above everything, da loneliness in my heart despite been surrounded by da presence of family n frens. Have u ever wonder dat, for all what you have around and possess, the heart is still craving for something indescribable? Something is juz missing n my life is so imperfect n incomplete. I supposed being me, creating and involving in conflicts and controversies are unavoidable. (Diva kerrr I nie? But me gurlies at home been calling me as Ratu SK-II a.k.a. Spekulasi dan Kontroversi Kuasa Dua ok). But to certain extents, it has accelerated too much in which I find it not worth 2 b tolerated n given much attention to.


AND I KNOW I HAVE CHANGED A LOT, TOO.


From a decent, average (certainly not well) mannered Zokhri Idris into indecent, wild and recalcitrant person. I’ve changed 2 b indifferent rather than being sensitive, benign and understanding in da beginning. I’ve being a devil, after years be known as closely to an angel (to some) –emphasis added- kindly ignore if u dun belong 2 da ‘to some.’ I juz dun b bothered wat ppl perceive me n think bout me. Its none of me business n go-to-hell will all of their personal views in deciphering me. Whether its gud or bad, I am juz being who I am. I am not subjected to any1 n only belonged to me. N 2 certain extent, these new emerging changes are strongly emerging in me. IT’S MY LIFE AND I LIVE WITH THE WAY THAT I WANT.


While that transformation begins to reach its maturity phase, destiny brings me to Japan, The Land of Sakura.




I always believe dat human do need a break after long commitment n endurance. I do believe I am easily bored wif things n always look 4ward 4 new things in life. N here I am. In a land of uncommon, nothing much 2 b expected, n nothing much 2 b feared of (if ur expectations dun find its way 2 materialisation) n I do welcome dis. Certainly I will live my life 2 da fullest in Japan. Niigata (da city I live in) is giving me a different view s I av embraced in da past few years. Its quietness n serendipity makes one’s mind to find peace, far away from tension n depression. Its ppl are welcoming n way too accommodating, making me breathe from da surrounding of hypocrite and ill-intentioned humans. Dis small kampong-ish (rural) place is giving me opportunity to live life, n 2 witness and cherish God’s creation on earth. – I wake up in da morning, seeing alpine trees and blossoming flowers (bunga ape tatau) one-by-one transforming green into brownish in the small park rite in front of my room window –


And since Im done with my MA, I always regard dis as my vacation reward. No doubt, my sponsorship from the Japanese Government requires me 2 undertake some obligations, but none of these tie me down. I can simply take my time n moment 2 go through all of dis. Perhaps, been surrounded by prominent Jap academics, dis wud b da best time 2 get my PhD proposal on Globalisation and International Terrorism done – subsequently launching my application for placement, wondering where da wind will take me dis time. And as I always ever hope, may my stay in Japan helps me 2 discover more about myself n da meaning of me life. Lately been delving a lot into love and loneliness (s da heart cudnt lie) but I av no reason 2 fear n 2 worry wat is coming next. I’ll juz take it n deal wif it as da time comes n leave in God’s hand to decide wat wud b my tomorrow like. Shud love really exist, it will soon finds its way to me. I dun av 2 search n hunt, but will juz let da heart open when da appropriate moment comes in. Realising dis, I feel calm.


Lastly, I am now moving on, kicking-up my life hard. I wish not 2 remind myself all da s*** dat occurred back home, as I am now embarking a niu chapter in my life, n refused 2 b reminded bout da past. To those, who will never let go of me into ur own self-complicated issue, I, getting me arse da hell out of it – walking away with very much optimistic anticipation on my future, and when I cum back home, I’ll b a revitalised niu person, (much stronger n persistent I hope) feeling fearless n always look up 4 da brite destiny God has written me for.



I thank God 4 everything He has done 4 me all dis while.



From da window of a small tiny room which give me da largest opportunity 2 discover more about myself,



ZOKHRI IDRIS IS BACK!!!

MEMOIRS OF KALSOM 13TH 2007

MEMOIRS OF KALSOM: IT'S ALL ABOUT GIVING ...

MEMOIRS OF KALSOM: IT’S ALL ABOUT GIVING

Summer is juz around da corner. Annually, summer comes bringing 2gether a lot of fun activities n meaningful engagements. Its da time (during uni days) 2 wrap up all books, lecture notes n packing back home. Throughout da years (including post-uni time period) summers never disappoint me. Frens will b cuming back, loads of catch-ups n dinings –slash- getting souvenirs from abroad including attending Kalsom. “Projek Kalsom (4 those who aren’t aware) is a motivational camp held yearly for Form 4 students who come from less fortunate backgrounds. It is run by Malaysian students enrolled in higher education institutions in the UK and Ireland under the auspices of the United Kingdom and Eire Council for Malaysian Students (UKEC).” (http://www.projek-kalsom.com/)

Since 2007, (without fail), I’ve been a sincere devotee to this program. @ times, I cudnt say wat brings me dere. Da drive 2 participate n contribute is indescribable by words. I’ve discovered dats da beauty about giving. One needs not to mention his contribution cuz Lord’s reward is da best return, 4 s/he will be bestowed. Knowing dis I feel sufficient.

However, allow me to share my memoirs in dis camp. May it will open ur hearts on da power of giving. Kalsom is a program, gathered by most British educated figures who came 2 realise dat dere r many more potential brains from our youngsters who av been less fortunate 2 enjoy da privileges of studying abroad. True, kids are playful, reckless, aim-less n vague bout their future they will embrace. They idling around, leisuring while not worrying bout commitments n engagements and I dun blame em. Its da situation dat we shall examine @. They r lacking of courage but not many give them one. Lacking of ambition becuz their parents are too busy in expanding wealth. Depriving of motivation cuz da surrounding doesn’t promote so. How on earth a 15-17 year old child wud av da means n power 2 improve him/herself, while da atmosphere propagates otherwise.

N dis is where we appear into their life.

Saving em from the lacuna in aiming 4 d stars.

Helping em 2 guide da way of lite.

Guiding em 2 pursuit a more meaningful happiness.

Bringing em 2 da place where we r standing @ da mo.

I cud still vividly remember, @ 1st, faces of boredom n hopeless were shown among them. We occupied their hols n worst, they were not given options 2 withdraw from da camp. “It will b another boring motivational camp, wif study techniques n tips, punishments, n time punctuality,” they thot. “What another hell.” But we proved dis all wrong. Kalsom is about having fun, creating smiles and laughters in order to learn the purpose of existence in life. 2 make every single moment in life a worthwhile. We didn’t teach em 2 get gud grades, wonderful jobs and luxurious lifestyle & etc, but wat is best they can achieve while living. Its not about getting 21As in SPM, but wat is made of em upon graduating from senior high.

Any out-of-city stud thot English is a nitemare. 2 em, English lesson serves as 1 of da most-not-favourite subject as they will enter into a half-an-hour time of hell. From da feedback we av gathered, its either they dun unders10 wat da teacher is saying or they dun make themselves clear to the teacher. In short, its a damn boring subject plus they hate writing sumting they even hard 2 spell it. Their minds stuck, their mouth sealed when it comes to English lesson. N we totally unders10 em. Hence, we presented em an English Day which is a day of expression n having fun. In English (obviously). We sang, we acted, we spoke, we listened in English. No rules no spellings check. Not even grammatical observation. We were free 2 utilise da language in da way dat we want. Wats important is we were able 2 penetrate their level of confidence and self-esteem when conversing English.

Its OK 2 make mistake as English isn’t our native language. And ... by learning n loving English doesn’t make any alteration onto ur ethnicity n identity. We r all Malaysians (Asians) n we r not Britons or the Westerners n not trying 2 b one, upon realising, they felt responsive n given da fullest participation. 2 our amaze, they managed 2 translate Asian songs into English n those were hilarious indeed. Ever imagined translating “Jujur” by Indonesian Radja into English? Well, they did. N we were giggling n guffawing all day long singing da translation composed by dis talented kids. It was a victory as the motive is – “English is Fun and not Boring.” * (See footnote)

Da farewell eve was sumting 2 b remembered. We enjoyed as dere will b no 2moro 4 us (in a gud way laaaa I guess). In fact, we pretended as if dere will be no separation awaiting us on da next day. As usual, we set no rules n given da freedom 4 em 2 decide da style and tellin ya, da outcome was beyond expectation. More than sufficient 2 leave thousands of beautiful memories wif m. Truly an unforgettable moment dat one will everlastingly cherish. We saw big potentials in em. They r really gud 4 crying out loud. Wif a bit of guidance, surely they can hit da future box-office (o yes they will). N dis is Kalsom all bout, polishing one’s potential regardless in any discipline, field or avenue.

“In anything dat u do, do it wholeheartedly and sincerely and achieve da highest point,” we sed.

“U dun care if we end up being actors/actresses, not doctors, engineers, lawyers etc?,” some asked.

My instant reply, “Make sure u’ll b da world class actor. Da 1st Malaysian who made it 2 Oscar or Grammy Award.”

They juz smiled but I know they got wat I mean.

Now ere cums da last day. Da day dat none anticipated or waited. Da sun rised up high indicating no sensitivity 2 our sad n depressed feelings. We soul-less-ly packed n made our final way 2 da grand hall 2 witness our final moment. A last moment 2 b together. A moment 2 b remembered. We concluded by saying goodbyes, giving our final words of advice, exchanging contacts, hugs and handshake. It wasn’t long till we heard busses coming (saw parents’ cars crowding da parking area too) indicating dere wasn’t much time left. Tears n hiccups were everywhere ushering da departures. N i guess every1 started 2 feel loss n despair.

N dis make Kalsom s 1 of my priorities when summer arrives. Even till now our bros and sist r still looking 4 us 4 every advice n companionship. I was truly glad when one of my groupmates called n greeted, “WanZhu, sy dpt 10A1 dalam SPM. Mintak2 laaa dpt amek law cam abg.” Another sed, “terima kasih sgt2 kat Kalsom. Klu x de Kalsom ntah2 sy tak dpt result baguih camni.”

Guess wat I felt? –Nothing can b described- .

N I’m sure I’m not da only 1. Few more volunteers wud probably get da same updates from our beloved sibs. As we went down through da memory lane, dere’s nothing much I’ve done 2 da kids. I juz came, talked, made sum jokes, offered my ears n attention n went back home. But 2 em, dats everything they cud get from an elder like me. They even proclaimed, “kadang2 mak bapak sy pun taktau sy nak jd apa.” Others were saying, “depa suruh kami blajaq ja, tapi bukan depa tau betapa susahnya nak score.” N we filled da lacuna in their life. We’ve been da missing part in it. We, being merely a listener whereas nobody ever listened 2 em. They juz want sumbody 2 listen n able 2 unders10 em 4 crying out loud. 2 em, its more than everything they cud av – being 16 yo stud from a rural area wif no guidance n exposure –cum- life sharing.

N I feel satisfied. I feel proud. Noble in one sense. By merely GIVING. Receiving nothing but a sincere remembrance from them. I mite not contribute 2 da nation or even 2 da country, but @ least, I’ve made a slight change on sum1’s life. Cuz I know I’ve screwed mine n dun want da same 2 happen 2 da young ones.

Now summer is ere. Da comrades av been set up 4 another yer of contribution. Another opportunity 2 give in n I’ll b among da front liners 2 volunteer n 2 continue da legacy. Surely, I cudnt succeed walking alone, n we humbly need others 2 help in. N I know a person like me, who isn’t rich 2 donate thousands of pennies 2 various foundations, not even brilliant 2 share ideas n knowledge, not even b in da best behaviour 2 b a role model (well u know me well, aite) but da least of sharing my limited and flaw experience n 2 tell em they aren’t alone in achieving aims, is da best I can do. It mite not b much (2 em), but as long as my presence acts as a starting (or turning) point in their life, I’ll b more than happy. U MITE NOT BE DA WORLD 2 EVERYONE BUT TO SOMEONE YOU ARE HIS/HER WORLD. I feel blessed.

@ da end of everything, if 1 day Lord asks me in da Day of Judgment, “What av ye done in life?” Probably, I will b able 2 whisper, “@ least I’ve tried to do sumting.”

*Footnote:
Some of the theories were saying, da day was perfect due to the presence of one particular facilitator who speaks flawlessly like a brit. N they were mersmeriesed by da accent used by the faci. Hmmmmm ... I wonder who s/he is?

Memoirs of KALSOM 14th 2008

LOVE WILL FIND THE WAY

I raise a white flag, admitting I did spend couple of times thinking bout love n relationship. N I’m not ashamed to admit it. Every single homo sapien, I believe, is not an exception from figuring his/her experience on the notion of love. The power of love, at times, is far beyond reasonableness, to certain points, excruciates the soul. Hence while it could be an everlasting crave 4 the lonely hearts, it also (at the same juncture) cud b very poisonous, enrapturing the logics of the minds.


I began 2 feel love since 15. Although (as u mite argue) high skewl love is sumtimes (or most of da time) fake, but dis was da very moment I’ve realised, 4 da 1st time in my life, I wanted to love sumbody so deeply n be loved by sumbody terribly. I din know how it happened, but it did happened (2 me) n I must say, truly, I was in love when a junior sent me pages n pages of letter confessing his feelings 2wards me. I can still vividly remember, it was during da 1st day I sat 4 my mock exam ( Paper BM penulisan okeh)


2 b honest, it doesn’t really matter 2 me, if they (others) say my love is crap, nothing but only a fool of mine, fake, superficial bla bla bla. U may call it whatever u want, but I dun give a s*** bout it. All I know, it must av been love n has threw me a moment where I flew 2 a sacred place, in a world where no one is around but only da two of us.


On the other hand, as I’m aging, climbing da ladder of maturity and wisdom, love appears n disappears in various ways n chronologies. I’ve reached 2 da state of being loved da most (feels like u r @ da top of da world), da state of betrayal (where the world seems not to matter @ all 2 me), been left n abandoned mercilessly. In short, I’ve been 2 all states of love n relationship. Tasted everything. Felt da sweetness n bitterness; its warmth n coldness. @ dis moment of writing (commemorating my 26th anniversary of my existence on mortal earth) I’m glad I’ve been through all phases in relationship. God has blessed me da strength 2 move on n above all, a wisdom 2 understand each phase I’ve gone through n 2 embrace da message each wants 2 convey.


DESPITE DA UPS AND DOWNS IN DIS KINDA LIFE EXPERIENCE, I DO NOT NEED A REASON 2 B ANGRY WIF GOD.


My Sedisjourn, as pointed earlier, had allocated a considerable amount of time 2 further think about dis i.e. love and relationship. 2 simply reflect da phases Zokhri Idris has gone through n wat will he prepare himself 4 da future n I still conclude dat dis is imperative important subject 2 reflect bout as my faith in love is still burning n shining (kemonnnnn …. Im juz 26… life is still young). I’m convinced dere r many hidden vacuums I’m yet 2 explore, urging 2 da openness of me mind n heart, their willingness n readiness 2 experience da notion of love. 2 b specific, dis r da preliminary Q I’ve considered while my Sedisjourn was taking place:

Taking into effect a quarter of century has passed, do I still believe in da existence of love?

Does my love/relationship orientation still valid/relevant? (u know mine is not like da others, rite?) =)

Am I (really) desperate looking 4 love?

How do I deal wif love within dis 3 year time? bearing in mind, I’m making a huge jump from da current undertaking 2 a new one a.k.a I’m embarking on a new chapter n such transition period must b dealt critically.


As explained above, my faith in love doesn’t diminish. Being heartbroken doesn’t put a stain in da notion of love (dat I believe in). Love is pure, sacred n a virtue in its way. My connotation of love (as u already know) is based on da provision laid down by 1 Corinthians 13:4; doesn’t changed n remained da same.


Hence, love holds no blame on my series of betrayals n loneliness. Perhaps I’ve met da wrong person, bringing 2gether a wrong interpretation of love. Dat person mite perceive love in a different way as I do, n dat wont affect a change of faith in me. I mite end up wif any wrong person again (in near future), but da search will 4ever continues untill I’ve met da one. Probably, dat person is juz out dere (surrounding me) waiting 4 me. Maybe, he is juz in front of me, but its juz not happened yet. Simply…yet…to…happen. N dat makes my life adventurous: adventuring n seeking 4 da one – sumting 2 look up every single minute da sun beginning 2 rise. I mite succeed n I mite fail but, isn’t it da journey dat makes life a worthwhile? 4 each n every discovery will enrich me, adding more colours and flavours 2 da existing dynamics I av encountered.


Does my love/relationship orientation still valid/relevant? Two words – WHY NOT !!! Does love take sides? Does it determine religion, race, ethnicity or even gender? Wif all due respect, I dun think so. We all r human n free 2 decide wat wud b da one dat we want. We r free 2 love n 2 b loved by any1 cuz love itself is universal, doesn’t belonged 2 particular sets, be wif race, religion or gender. Wat matters, is how u love sum1 dat u love, n I dun care wat ppl holds their perception on me n my love. Wats important is my feelings n da person I adore … nothing else matter but only both of us. “AS LONG AS I HAVE HIM, I DON’T NEED HEAVEN” – powerful, self sustained stand n sufficient in its construction.


Corinthian says love never things of herself. It bears up under everything, believes da best in all. Hence, I feel no need 2 extremely desire 4 love. Or 2 b a Mr. Desperado 4 love. Love is not a desperation n wudnt make one being desperate. It is only a complementary, serving da need of a human in his/her life. Making his/her life more meaningful n worthwhile. N I think dis cud b a perfect standpoint. I DO NEED LOVE. But im not desperate or dying 2 look 4 love. I will still be alive n b happy shud love is yet 2 appear. In fact, im happy being single – surrounded by da love of me familia n frens. Da love 4 my careers n passion, da love 4 knowledge n aspiration. I still av my life although its incomplete n I’ll b patient waiting 4 da moment 2 come. “LOVE WILL SHOW ME EVERYTHING. IT WILL COME TO ME IN ITS SECRET WAY. IT WILL FIND ME IN THE END, AND WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH ME.” N I feel sufficient.


Moving on, these couple of years wud b critical. I’m @ da verge of a transition, leaving my current undergoing n bout 2 embark on a new journey. Sum of u shud av known how determined I am in pursuing doctorate n wud b hardly 2 alter da plan (unless I ended up wif an offer from Al-Jazeera, any top british law firms or sumting of a kind) =) considering my Masters is coming 2 an end n Phd application wud last 4 months if not years, da next 12 month wuf b crucial in ensuring da accomplishment of da plan. Dis period must b closely monitored, requiring a high alert of focus n simply stay-on-track. I can’t be distracted or else dis whole thing will end up being useless. N I know, my immunity especially when it cums 2 love is considerably weak as my emotional instability, at times, cud b a serious prob 2 my attention. Honestly, I will b easily breakable when it cums 2 dis subject. N dis inference has been experimented few times n I’m not keen 2 indulge myself in any possible risk during dis transition.


Thus, as being reasonable, I shud welcome no feasible disturbance dat cud side-track my focus on dis direction. Although my close mates always argue, love and aspiration cud tango side by side, but I dun think it will work in my way. I’m simply not convinced on my very own capabilities 2 handle dis. So, wisely, I shud refrain from contacting da surface of dis prob 2 avoid greater harm n injury 2 myself.


All in all, I still believe da power of love into human being (especially my life). It is more forceful dat one cud ever imagined. It cud b my fault by embracing Shakespeare masterpiece a lot, but as more as I av discovered, I cant help but by believing in da existence of love n how love cud b a sign of destruction to human being.


“IF THE WORLD PERISHED N HE STAYS, HER SOUL WILL BE ALIVE; BUT IF HE IS ANNIHILATED AND HER SURROUNDING REMAINED, THE WORLD WILL TURN INTO A COMPLETE STRANGER.”


As my Sedisjourn concludes, love is a hunger of my soul, a thirst of my heart. Nevertheless, my reasonableness of mind has 2 strike a balance between fantasy (wat is desired) and reality (wat is proportionate). My Sedisjourn believes, being 26, requires me 2 handle things more wisely n maturely, taking into consideration every aspect from all angles. N try 2 view things thoroughly. I’ve climbed another ladder of age, n such requires a higher level of objectivity n wisdom.

Hail Zokhri da 26th …


Ngeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee –grins-


XXX

TRUE FRIENDS: BETWEEN REALITY & FANTASY

PREFACE:
May I begin by reiterating (again n again) wat my great Professor Panoyatis Tsakaloyannis has taught me. He reminds me in dis world, “dere r no permanent friends neither permanent enemies. Its only permanent interests.”


4 da past 365 days, I used 2 believe dat frens r 4ever. True friends do exist n willing 2 sacrifice themselves (or their interests 2 b more practical) 4 me. Or even having family members will stand by me, no matter wat happens, they will always give their limitless support on whatever path we choose in life. I used 2 believe in those especially da former.


But reality has taught me otherwise. Frens cum n go s quick s da clock tickles. I used 2 av gud frens in high school, in college or even in my Manchester days, but not all b da case now. I’ve been wondering how n why, but dats da nature evolves around us, human. Ppl seem 2 av their own direction n frequent been swayed by their direction without looking back where they start. They…Juz…Disappear. But surely, beautiful memories remain.


N im slowly adapting 2 it. Treating new mates as they r, putting aside it will last long. N I know dere is no use 2 keep on believing in true frenship as it is juz a myth phrase 2 me. I did av true frenship n best frens but I guess its over now, living da current into a more of partnership basis.


N im not regretting it.


Perhaps dis is da normal phase dat every1 has 2 go to. Being an adult (well I hate 2 say dis, 2 b honest (^_^) will urge u 2 prioritise, n putting ur goals as da driving force in ur life. 2 certain extents, it is a wise strategy 2 leave sum1 if s/he is a distraction 2 us. Or even da existence of him/her brings no gud 2 ourselves but merely as a burden, Theory X says u shud make a move departing from dis individual(s).


Shud dis serve as a theory, clearly dere ought 2 b further scrutinisation of da details. Wat kind of distractions r we talking ere? Wat circumstance mite we justify as a burden 2 us? I admit, distractions and burdens cud be very subjective n has 2 b merited according 2 case by case basis. But suffice 2 say, if one is dreading u away from ur goals n aspiration in life, wudnt dat be in itself concrete to stand as a distraction.


Moving on, burden will always exist n cycles our life. It depends on how u deal with it n overcome it. Frens can be burdensome in number of ways n not all burden amount 2 a dismissal of sum1 in our life. In other words, burdensome can be seen in a +’ve way n da other way round. To sacrifice our time n wealth over a fren is not a burden. It is indeed, an honour. An honour 4 having da opportunity 2 serve sum1 special 2 us. N these aren’t ordinary ppl in our life. They r da selected ones. Hence 2 spend a moment wif a fren, despite 24/7 hectic schedule is not a problem 2 me.


But if our intentions n actions are being construed wrongly, or being utilised 2 his/her personal motives, burden began to emerge. In short, 2 let ourselves be abused by others is vividly be seen as a burden. A sacrifice dat is not worth 4. A meaningless effort dat will only bring u down (slowly n gradually). And 4 all these reasons, it has 2 stop.


On a different angle, frens can easily leave us n turn 2 be an enemy. Dats y I’ve inserted my great prof’s sayings in da beginning of dis entry. If da readers r smart 2 to interpret, it implies dat frens can find their ways turning into enemies and vice versa. S/he is a fren 4 2day, but 2moro will cum without an assurance s/he remains da same. Consider dis @ a bigger scenario (if dis analogy seems 2 b rite 4 all). Afghanistan n Iraq used 2 b US ‘gud’ allies in da past. Da former has been a ‘gud fren’ 2 da US during da cold war battling against Communism. The Bush Sr. Government has in fact given wide range of assistance be with military n monetary 2 da Mujahideen 2 cease Communism from spreading into da minds of Asia. Saddam Hussein, for once, had established gud rapport also wif Bush Sr. government in order 2 combat Iran, since da radical Iranian Revolution took place.


But wud sumone willing 2 share wat has happened now?

Where did da US stand in 2001 against Afghanistan?

Wat did da Bush Administration do 2 Iraq in 2004?

N I bet none of da US officials cud make us understand s 2 Y such negative reversal happened.


Flying back into da country, the Malaysians will never 4get how ‘perfect’ Tun M n da former Anwar Ibrahim (whom is famously known as DSAI). They av been gud buddies in politics, supporting each other till early 1990s. Tun M even clearly projected dat DSAI will inherit his place as da PM soon after he retires. DSAI on da other hand, had publicly declare dat Tun M is (now was) his brother, a mentor, a fren, n bla bla bla. But 1998 appeared, resulting da world 2 spin 180 degrees (sum sed if its change 360, it will bring us back 2 da original standpoint – hence no difference), inviting imminent shock 2 da locals n foreigners. Tun M even put DSAI in prison s a matter of fact.


Clearly, where r da logics?


Hence while it is true dat true frens exist in a fantasy world of mine, it doesn’t b da case in da reality. Some of my frens have even regarded me as an enemy due 2 certain unavoidable fallacies in our frenship. Wat else can I do, apart from witnessing da change of his/her heart n accepting fates dat has happened. I will try 2 save da frenship, but upon reaching some points, I av 2 back off n move on. I cant ask 4 sumting dat has already not belonging 2 me.


At least, GOODBYEs on a very exceptional occurrence tend 2 b a gud ending (if u look @ a bigger picture)


Sumtimes I wonder; how many frens will be left till my last days on earth? How many remaining 2 send me their prayers on my final departure? Fantasy wise – I want all of my frens since childhood 2 attend my funerals n sending their thots n prayers 4 me. Realistically – its not 4 me 2 decide, but I will try my best 2 av more n more mates who will usher me 2 da end of my my days.


SUMMARY:
I have learnt dat ppl change and sumtimes da change is resulting in loosing sumting. I cant stop dat evolution 2 happen as it is beyond my limited capabilities 2 interfere. I witness these changes wif an open heart (as open as possible) while allowing more ppl, frens n mates 2 join a small, little world of mine. My life is short, and it wudnt be worth spending on sumting or sumone whom I not belonged to. Surely, when one door closes, another opens. At least a window juz 2 pass through. Frenships do offer stormy weathers but they also do av sunny days 2. So why bother at da stormy n cloudy moments whereas u have plenty of sunny days 2 smile?



DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
THIS PERSONAL RAMBLING TENDS TO BE GENERAL AND STRICTLY INAPPLICABLE TO ALL CASES. I DO AV FRENS N MATES NOW N I JUZ WANT EM 2 KNOW I CHERISH UR VERY PRESENCE AND APPRECIATE DA GIFT LORD HAS SENT TO ME.

More on Sedisjourn

AFTER SEVEN HOURS …

Dis entry perhaps serves as an official –slash- press declaration (giggles) why on earth I decided 2 b aparted from family n frens on my birthday. I am 99.99% convinced dat none of u truly understand why I’m bringing myself away from ppl on my birthday. “Isn’t your birthday should be commemorated wif da lovely ones n special ones? (if dere’s any … n we r talking a big IF) lol. N da most absurd one I ever heard, “R u so depressed n despair wif ppl, leading u 2 run away from us on ur special day?


Hell No … but I do admit, @ times, we need 2 b alone n have time 4 ourselves. Whatever ur assumptions are based on, let da strory begins k.


We sumtimes take things 4 granted. We never appreciate sumting until n unless dat sumting is gone rite b4 our eyes. We dunno (n often than not ignoring 2 know) 2 live dat sumting until u’ve been asked 2 leave it. N dat sumting is called L-I-F-E.


I admit, I’ve seriously been considering my life all dis while. I’ve been thinking n wondering bout my life in da past, current, as well as wat 2 happen next. Still, I think, its not sufficient n a few things r lacking. Dere is sumting missing in my life. Sumting dat I’m yet 2 have while im desiring much 2 av it. My nites are filled wif loneliness thinking of da non-possession of it n my morning r spent 2 strategise things n arrangements on how 2 av a more quality n meaningful life.


N dis is wat I want for my birthday. My 26th anniversary of my existence on earth.


A moment 2 reflect on my life.

To reflect wat av I done n achieved so far.

To reflect wat av I acquired in my life.

To reflect wat will I have in da future n how 2 av em?

Wat will be my goal 4 da next 4 years. ( I hope I dun av 2 explain how significant my age in 4 yrs time) –hihi-

What will I be in da next few years? (certainly Que Sera2 advice isn’t dat suitable 2 b applied ere) lol

R my aspirations in life still remaining da same or has it modified in certain ways?

N specifically, wat lesson av I gained 4 da past 365 days so I wont make my next 365 days worst than before.
( n 26th birthday marks its remarkable day in da history considering a quarter of century has passed in my life )


Too many tasks 4 juz a 4-day-3-nite escapade.


N 2 b honest, none of da ? yet 2 b approached, since I’ve been truly, madly, deeply besotted by da beauty of da island. Even da wind blows will give u indescribable serendipity by juz closing ur eyes n breathe.


N dis is sumting worth 2 do; 2 enjoy da cool fresh air, doing nothing – not even 2 think. Clearly dis moment wont b regretted n probably one of da best things I’ve done in my life.


I gonna dive 2moro. A bit scared but extremely excited.


1910 – May 3rd 2009 – watching da sun sets horizontally across da ocean, turning da sea into a golden shimmering lights, dazzling da eyes who appreciate.


I feel serene …


FOOTNOTE:
Dis is so absurd n not sooooooooooooo important but I cant help from eyeing n scanning ppl around ere (at da beach) – giggles – naughty Zokhri !!!

On the way to Sedisjourn*

My 1st Sedisjourn* took place in Redang Island, Terengganu. Many reasons were considered prior choosing dis place. I want 2 b away from da cliché or lifestyle stereotype as a city boy (or we call ourselves da ‘KLites’) LOL. Second, its one of my dreams (b4 I shut me eyes leaving dis mortal earth) 2 go diving n snorkelling. N I can say da latter has met its success as, (4 da first time in my life) I saw Nemo 4 real. I swear I saw Nemo (n his other kinds wif different colours n size). All praise 2 Lord Almighty.


Allow me 2 share da beginning of my journey. Da starter if u like. I departed from Kuala Merang Jetty 2 Redang via a speedboat (taklah laju mana pung) lasting 4 an hour. Truly it was an experience as I’ve never done dis b4. Mum will kill me if she happens 2 know dis. I swear. N 2 b honest, lil scare seems 2 resurface @ da preliminary. Wat will happen if da boat sinks? Wat will we (as far as da other passengers r concerned) do if da storm strikes? Bearing in mind, my laptop n my dearly loved baby I-Phone are in my suitcase. N I can tell u, dis will be da most nitemaric birthday ever if I lost my I-phone. Thank God they were n still in gud ends. Or worst, wat will happen if we were robbed n arsoned by sea pirates?


God forbids em, n Im now safe (returning 2 da world of reality)


N dat doesn’t seem 2 end. I was thinking of Sharks (ya ya u can laugh @ me now) but in a different way. As I saw da water splashes into tiny lil bubbles ( as da boat sails through) da flashback of marine life came 2 cross me mind. In an animal kingdom, (regardless on da land, or underneath da deep blue sea or up above the sky) dere always be a notion of prey n victim (or we used 2 call it as mangsa and pemangsa in our Human n Nature studies in primary). A shark for instance has 2 kill a creature in order 2 satiate herself from hunger, n above all 2 sustain its living. Same goes 2 all carnivores of all animal kingdom exist on God’s land. They have 2 sacrifice their victim in order 2 av food.


Fair enuff.

But wat I cudnt figure, why we (human whom Lord has granted wisdom n virtues) imitate da behaviour of those animals 2 our fellow mankind? Why do we (as human) willing 2 take da life of our own brothers and sisters? Do we need their blood 2 live? Do we need their flesh 2 stay away from hunger? Above all, do we need their life in order 2 make us alive? Then why r we doing dis?


My mind sifted through da wars existed in mankind history. da disastrous World Wars, Genocide in Rwanda between the Hutus and Tutsis, da ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, Bosnia-Herzegovina, The Holocaust, Shabra and Shatilla Massacres , 9/11, Iraq, n u name it u get it.


Why do we purposely –slash- innocently do dat?


Why are we doing da same thing as animals do while we av minds n hearts 2 keep wif ? A mind 2 think n a heart 2 feel.


Do the impostors, so called freedom fighters, state warriors, self-condone statesmen, have da legitimacy from God 2 carry out da killings?
Or r we simply (being a commoner) legitimise em 2 do dat?


Simple Qs but yet hard to answer.


Sumtimes I dun understand being human. Lord indeed has blessed us wif many of his givings, yet we failed 2 use it wisely. We failed in creating our life meaningful. We fail 2 create dis planet earth, a safe place 2 stay. Despite of many things we get, dere r so many dat we spare. @ times, da more intelligent humans can be, da more stupid n fool decisions n executions we’ve made.


Y o human I’m asking Y.

N dis Sedisjourn is all about. 2 discover me being human. 2 identify more of my abilities being human n how 2 channel it wisely. 2 highlight all (if possible) of my strengths n also my weaknesses. So dat, I will live my life fully n make use every single lil second God has permitted me 2 breathe. Feel anxious not, I’ll tell u more bout my Sedisjourn in da next entry. Or else, dis entry will be dragged into da longest entry ever in Asignofthecreator.


Thank you Lord, 4 making me 26.


1117 – on da boat 2 my destination – on a deep blue sea, where all beauty of its creatures r yet 2 b discovered. xxx



* Sedisjourn is an acronym (as suggested by my AEI colleague; AMirul) which stands for “Self-Discovery Journey”. It has meaningfully taken place from da eve of May 3rd (my buzzday) till May 7th.

BETWEEN A STRANGER AND A FRIEND

COUNTING THE DAYS TO BE 26TH ...


Between a stranger and a friend

I was trapped whom both I could not refrain

I was lost nowhere to go to

Neither a clue to whom shall I turn to

From the very first presence seems to be a troublesome

My recklessness invites more dilemmas to come

Irony emerges to be true

Oddness, betrayal and complications seem to pursue

How am I getting close to a stranger?

Departing away from a friend, farther and farther

Who am I to this lonely stranger?

Where is the value of consolidation to an anger friend?

Why a friend is is pushing me away?

Whilst a stranger is accepting in all sorts of ways

Why could a friend refuse to be a friend?

Whilst a stranger survives with a lil’ passion

A passion to listen

Which I hunger from a dearly dear friend

I wish I could run

But the guilt will always hunt

I wish I could fly

But my feet are chained I couldn’t raise high

What am I supposed to do?

To satisfy between the two

Prejudice, illness, abhorrence find way to succeed

Eliminating faith, hope, and love to meet

Between a stranger and a friend

Lies a mystery, a vacuum far beyond explanation

Not even a light in this dark, hollow situation

I stand to breathe

The room is so cold and freezing

I choke of suffering

I helplessly shackled and dying

Still I wonder

Could there be a way out?

"I wish to be free” I scream, yell and shout

Persistently I ask

When could be the end?

I am weakening, suffocating, and consistently hurting in the game of fame between a stranger and a friend.

Freeman I am ...

1606 28 April 2009

cluttered, confused but I guess Im half way through. I've made sumtinge huge dis afternoon, and even in 10 years to come, I doubt I would have da same courage as wat I've done 2day. I will probably be proud to myself, taking da steps to solve it (although I doubt it has solved totally). within blinks of eyes, I hit da place n burst everything out. true, i dunno whether i can do dis again in my near future. if u ask me how did i do it, i seriously have no idea. I'll tell u soon i've catched my breath.

dats it. da conclusion has been made, da resolution has been drawn. da implementation is sumting we both (him and I) yet to see,but a free man I am now, leaving behind all this s***ty things in my life.


I WANT TO LIVE ...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES AND WISHING U THE BEST OF UR ENDEAVOURS...IM SORRY PERHAPS I CAN ONLY ACCOMPANY UP 2 DIS POINT, N IM SENDING MY BLESSINGS AND PRAYERS AWAY 2 GUIDE U.



XXX ME XXX

F is for F.A.I.T.H.

Have u ever been into a destructive state where all of ur views became vanished n all u see is a black out?

Have u ever felt dat within blinks of eyes, da world suddenly turns its back 2 u, making u nobody n no one 2 turn 2?

Have u ever been into such melancholic feelings, once u’ve learnt da one surrounds u, changing 360 degrees, stabbing u from behind, making u as a contagious rubbish mortal?

Da fact dat, I was and probably am @ da moment.

Friday comes bringing series of worriness as how my weekend wud be. I do anticipate da coming of weekend (everyone does, don’t we?) but my anticipation comes wif mixed emotions. N Im scared if I cant get dis through, spoiling da atmosphere of happiness n joy as planned by frens. I do, honestly look 4ward to all da arrangements made but i’m wondering whether these cud make things better n not worsen things up.

I know dis will happen. In fact it has already happened. My most-catastrophic nitemare (of da week) has became a reality dat swept away all of my hope, shattering into small pieces of dust, vanished and disappeared in da air. Da fact is – all of my personal ramblings n cries were known by many (INCLUDING DA SUBJECTED PERSON...crap crap crap). They seemed reacted adversely, making me into a foolish creature on earth. All of my sincerity n honesty were seen as rubbish, leaving me into a state of being betrayed, cheated and discarded. N I dunno whether I cud face em up dis weekend although chances 2 avoid r pretty small.

My fear doesn’t inflict my hatredness 2wards em. I (try 2) love em still and never hold any sort of grudges 2 my frens. I’ve learnt da power of forgiveness whereby it makes da forgiver feels da warmth of God’s love n blessings. By forgiving others, u’ll feel dat God has actually see you and send His blessings in all sorts of way. N i do 4give em, 4 everything has happened. I dunt want my lil’ heart to hold any vengeance and abhorrence 2 em no matter how ill they have regarded me. True, it doesn’t make me an angel by 4giving em, (I’m far much to deserve it ... I know) but i juz want to b free from all dis bad feelings towards them. Certainly, ditching em away from my life will never be an option. Not even da last result. O Lord, I love my frens n will never discard em away.

But forgiveness cant free my mind from da awful memories. I am juz an ordinary mortal who has feelings n me brain cant simply delete da tear drops of misery, n easily reminiscing wat they av done 2 me. Da past few days made me into a tug of war between forgiving people n 4getting da past. Da latter seems much tougher.

Surprisingly 2day, I’ve discovered da power of faith. Its simply undescribable. Its like da wind, U cant see it but U can feel. It has taught me dat I will make things better n everything seems 2 turn normal. A faith dat, for everything dat has f**ked up will fall accordingly on its place. A faith dat will lead us to a light of serendipity in da end of dis dead-end tunnel. A faith dat will crack a smile on our lips after days of sorrowness n pale-ness. I dunno how these are gonna work, neither in wat way all these will happen, but I have faith dat it will turn out (sumhow).

God will make things easy, if u ask it sincerely. Da angels will lend their hands in spreading love n tenderness, preventing da heat of hatredness whispered by da devils. As long as u desire sumting thotful, it will all come easy in da end.

N im glad 2 learn dis discovery, although I’m still sceptical n afraid as 2 wat will I encounter 2day, da next day, n da day after. But dere’s an encouraging voice dat hisses, “everything will b alrite. U juz need 2 av faith.” And I put my trust on dis voice. I trust God will help me, if I’m wishing sumting gud 4 me n da rest. He will never leave me alone. Meanwhile, I never stop hoping and praying.

No matter how hard dis will hit me in da next few hours, faith stands by me in facing dis through. Even though in da end, I cudnt make it, n my dreams will shatter n crack, faith will help me through ... I’m indeed scared to go through dis, but faith is walking with me, leaning against me and makes me chin-up, 2 face them, da troubles, da embarrassment, da humiliation, da pain n da limitless hurting. I dunno how will I face dis but I’ve no choice but 2 pursue it, bringing faith along with me.

I have faith in me ...

I have faith in you ...

I have faith in our friendship ...

I have faith in da future ... a brite future

Above all, I have faith in mending all da misunderstanding dat occurred n create a light of love n blessings in pursuing da frenship. N even da signs are still blur n cloudy, I will keep on hoping n praying.

ONLY HOPE: INSPIRED BY "A WALK TO REMEMBER"

There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write

over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars

Of your galaxy dancing and laughingand laughing again

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me of the plans that you havefor me over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny

I'm giving you all of me

I want your symphony

Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs

I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yours I pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

"DON'T TELL ME ITS NOT WORTH TRYING FOR"

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
The author shall not be held liable 4 sleeping/yawning infront of the screens due to the highest level of boredom identified in dis article.

I am aware dat scientific inventions have caused damage to intimacy and human bonds. Considering dis, I took every precautionary steps n potentials risks prior submitting any post to ‘asignofthecreator.’ On da ironic side, I am aware dat nothing cud stop me from speaking out-loud (especially those which r affecting me directly or indirectly … gudly or badly). I’ve realized dat 2009 has stimulated a new version of bravery into me, a version which is full of honesty n sincerity (DIPLOMACY??? … erm subject 2 case by case basis, I think) lol. Da bottom line is, I’m no longer afraid 2 b me. N im not afraid 2 admit 2 others da true facts being me. After all, its juz me being da subject matter n taking into account of my full proprietary rights n ownership on “asignofthecreator,” thus, da floor is all mine.

Through my observation, my recent postings have opened many dubious wonderings n multi-reactions from readers. Some were shock, (tapi takkan laa smp trauma kot..haha) hard 2 accept, angry n very few were utterly supportive (although we aren’t debating bout quality vs quantity notion ere n then). I accept those n (try me very best 2) understand how each n every1 of u derived to ur responses. But wif all due respect, its me who feel da most. Im sorry shud they offend u in any way u’ve personally encountered, but I cant help 2 raise my own side of da story.

Sumtimes, its hard 2 appease ppl. N 2 b honest, I’m freaking tired 2 keep on pleasing others (while others have shown less interest doing da same 2 me). Da past experience have convinced me dat, ppl offer less initiative 2 understand me n giving me no room 2 breathe. N I see no point in returning da favour 2 em. Im being da ‘devil-advocate’ now (n it is much stronger after following Prof Robles lectures) lol. I must give myself sum credits without actually deprive others 2 gain da same.

MONOLOGUES:

I know u’ve been hurt by my writings, but av u ever care deep down inside my heart?

I know u cant see da logic of my so-called ‘accusation’ but av u ever give me an opportunity 2 raise me case?

I know dat u mite see it from a different angle of da prism, but have u given a thot da least dat, I still can see, I supposed differently from you?

I know dat u mite think u r right n bright, but have u ever thot da impacts dat have fallen onto me?

I know da others mite have supported u (including da beloved ones) but will da others listen 2 me as they av listened 2 u?

Simply no, rite?

Hence, wat u feel/know doesn’t proportionately necessarily describe da whole picture, fren. N im not claiming 2 be da superhero who knows every single thing flawlessly. HELL NO! n I dun wish 2 be one too. All I’m doing is 2 express my feelings knowing wat u’ve done 2 me. May I re-iterate 4 myself, I AM NOT JUDGING YOU FROM WAT U’VE DONE 2 ME. I am merely pouring out da drops of my heart, without putting a single blame on u.

Thus, am I still @ fault?

U’ve raised a Q, which I personally dunno 2 answer. But life isn’t about answering questions n searching 4 endless explanation, not either 2 find gud extra points against each other. Its about finding solutions aite? Its about 2 make things better, so dat between us, joys will be re-blossoming in da air and anger will fade together wif da heat of prejudice and negative prescriptions. N I know, I’m still lacking on it. I am still finding ways n means 2 patch things up so dat our puzzles of frenship will turn into a perfect portrait. In da end, it wudnt be as catching as Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, but enuff 4 da others 2 see us smiling n laughing blissfully.

But of course, I can’t do dis alone n without u. I will never succeed shud u dun give me an opportunity 2 heal. Like da Americans say, -It takes two to tango.-

Furthermore my learned fren, its not about wat ‘will we get wat we want.’ Wat matters is wat means will we utilise 2 get wat we want. Although a robber gets no penny at all by robbing a bank, dat doesn’t exclude him from the guilt of executing da aims. I believe u haven’t forgotten these idioms of ‘mens rea’ and ‘actus reus’ have ya? -grins-

N wud it be wiser rather than asking how cud others cum up wif such accusation by questioning, ‘wat have I done dat made me be accused severely?’ Im sorry, I mite be wrong. But I’m quite happy wif Confucius teachings of self-reflection and personal post-mortem. We be able 2 understand others nevertheless, able to understand ourselves better.

Again, please dun get me wrong. Im ere not 2 contest ur feelings, ur semi-judgments, or ur quasi-verdicts u have imposed on me. Although those seems 2 b unfair, wif all my respect 2 u, u av da rite 2 address em 2 me. I’ve been convicted b4 I can speak 4 myself. N if dat makes u feel satisfied, I guess, 4ever I’ll walk in my life as a prisoner 2 u. N I know da rest will side u, n guard me wif a strong sense of disdain n horror.

Reason being, I am not n opponent 2 u. Frenship isn’t bout competing whose right or wrong, neither whose stronger or vice-versa. Its about lending hands 2 each other whenever needed, 2 guide our trail when da path seems 2 b off-tracked by vagueness, n to catch us whenever we fall. I am much convinced dat I’ve enjoyed these privileges u av crowned me once b4 n (un)willing 2 prepare myself shud dis be no longer da case in da future. N dis is wat sadden me da most. {because of my sincere expressions n honest revelations, I’ve lost sumone dat has been part of me}

Surely If I can turn back da past, I will stay away from da very beginning. It wud b better I think, being a STRANGER rather than being ENEMIES after became ACQUAINTANCES. Da latter offers so much hurt to endure n im pretty sure neither my nerves nor my feelings cud av a second blow.

In da end, if I ask, wud dere b some hope 4 our frenship, I’m eagerly wondering wat cud it be in da future. But all I know, I NEVER DISOWN YOU. N forever n ever will accept u as sumone important in my life. as da always cliché mobile texts humans do ever receive, “remembering you I always do, forgetting me, it’s up to you.”

I am calculating, “wat cud I do to reconcile da conflicts? On a second note, Isn’t dis diplomatic (emphasis) enuff 2 u?” -smiling-

XXX

When love fades and anger grows ...

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.


P/S : While tearing, I am trying 2 be strong xxx

"S" is 4 STRUGGLING and SURVIVING

I admit, I was (really) disturbed last week. But 2day marks a sign of liberalisation 4 me. A bit much better though not fully recovered. I’m getting much much improved since the mundane days last week. I wud like 2 take dis wonderful opportunity, extending my deepest thanks 2 all calls, texts, n emails given. U guys r da bestest n will always spice my life up when sourness began 2 appear. U guys r da bomb. Toce Toce.

And I’m more convinced dat life is all about 2S. STRUGGLING and SURVIVING. As long as the heart keeps on beating, one will always learn 2 struggle n 2 survive. U mite find no hope, or utterly lost in direction, but ending da struggles will never b da case till da very end u hold ur last breath. Probably dats da reason we wish da deceased soul “Rest-in-Peace” cuz u’ll only rest when u live da world.

So ere I am !!! In da state of living life by embracing pain n sweetness. N da sweet thing – 2day marks my very last presentation 4 my masters degree programme. Im nearly done wif lectures n seminars which lead me 2 4 months of vacation. Well literally a holiday but technically I’ve got 1 month internship in Jakarta n da remaining 2 get my dissertation done !!! (80 pages of double spacing aint too bad, huh?)

But da last two days were really pushing my nerves 2 da limit. Got 2 major presentations n 1 exam back 2 back (yeah u read it rite babe – BACK TO BACK). I sat for “Political Economy of Asia Europe” exam in da morning n presented “A Comparative Study of New Immigrants and Settled Residents Javanese Community in Malaysia.” N 2day I had a presentation on “The Origins of Asian Financial Crisis 1997”. Walaoweiiiiiiiiiiiii … 2 b honest I dun know how cud I take it. It was so …………… u-n-d-e-s-c-r-i-b-a-b-le. Probably will let u know soon I’ve catched my breath.

But Lord sends His Blessings in disguise. I’ve managed 2 b ‘off-tracked’ from my last week’s disturbia. Since Saturday, I’ve been committing myself 2 get dis trio agenda done. My mind was forced 2 process academic data n empirical evidences, neglecting da sorrowness felt by da heart. 2 my surprise it works out – which brings me 2 discover a niu theory/hypothesis 4 Zokhri Idris. I will be having a full momentum 2 do things (study/working) when im depressed wif personal stuff. N da inference is – da more complicated, stupid, foolish prob I encounter, da more dat I will work hard 2 get my task accomplished.

Reason being, I need distractions 2 keep my life moving. Had da fact dat I did nothing (less work) my mind will b occupied by sadness n downcast, resulting in less/nil – productive outcome in da end. N I must say Im glad wif dis niu foundings –grins- cuz I know wat 2 do when Im depressed. To conclude, exams n presentation stress act as a neutraliser 2 da depressed emotion n personal stuffs.

Hence, Zokhri needs exams n many many assignments when he started to contract sadness !!!

Voilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa …

DESCRIPTION: ***
Supposed Y axis is da amount of mental/heart incapacity (due 2 personal prob)
Supposed X axis is da amount of assignments/assessments.


Besides, I am still committing myself 2 personal (classical) treatment shud I contracted stress. 4 da past 7 days (without failed)I spent at least an hour watching “If Only” and “Bend It Like Becham.” Wanna know da similarities between these two? Both remind me of a destination dat I really dream 4, since da 1st day I came back home. UK – da place dat I (utterly) wanna go n reside 4 da next few decades. N I will make sure I’ll get it n will never look back (ever again). N da movies remind me of my future path n goals, together instilling a strong urge 2 simply ignore these hanky-panky stuffs, cuz I got a bigger mission awaiting me ahead.
N it seems 2 b clearer n nearer day by day !

Although Im breathlessly swimming in da centre of da ocean, wif no direction 2 guide, no way 2 go, but I know in da end I gonna touch da shore. Thus, I will never give up n surrender.

After all, I hold no grudges to those who have affected me in da last few days. U av nothing 2 b forgiven n 2 be apologized 4. All I want is 2 b free from U and freedom from ur hold of remembrance n thoughts. I am ere not 2 judge u neither giving my verdict whether or not u are gud. Wif all due respect, I am not in da position 2 judge U (and will never be in) Who am I 2 judge u? I am juz a normal person who feels da pain of ur presence, who is hurting from ur action but I can assure u, none of these got 2 do wif u. It is my entire fault n it is me who caused da mess. I’ll handle it by meself. U’ll walk as a free man, and 4ever I will b shackled, chained n imprisoned by da hurt n suffering I’ve endured 4 knowing U.


Should dat is da punishment 4 knowing u, and being an assistance of u, I’ll accept it as a fate dat has been destined upon me. And I’ll bear wif it … as long as my life stays wif me.


Behold Zokhrie dearie, 4 Lord has better arangements bestowed upon ye.
XXX

*** I sneaked into one of da lecture rooms 2 draw dis graph -grins-

I CANT DO DIS ANYMORE ...

Mode: Unfaithful by Rihanna
Time: 0058
Status: Confused – frustrated – despair – despondent


I am been wondering, how long will dis go on? Im honestly tired being referred - slash - used when sum1 is in trouble. I was contemplating 2 meself, how long I can do wif dis? Being used, (manipulated – I know dis sounds harsh), needed in a situation where I wasn’t needed at da first place.


CASE STUDIES:
I came 2 know sum1 who happened 2 b my fren’s boyfren. We established contacts, keeping in touch through #1 social network connection (ermmm no need 2 elaborate laaa). Through number of instances, I was been asked da whereabouts of my fren. I must admit my fren’s bf is caring, loving and (charming too – off records please!!!) n I can sense da gud qualities in him which I admire him so much. He’s every1’s dream 2 av a bf as n becuz of dis, (and admittedly my fault too, Juz.My.Entire.Fault) I’ve sumtimes been side-tracked n indulged 2 a state where I shudnt/musnt b in da 1st place n forever too. In short, i began 2 develop a feeling dat is vividly forbidden n unethical.


I dun want dis 2 happen. Hell no!!! I swear!!! I’ve juz escaped from a long duration of commitment n I’ve managed dat (quite) brilliantly. I’ve vowed not 2 let myself fall in love again; unless, I’ve got da guts 2 do so. Da wound will never be healed though da scar is no longer 2 b found. Da pain is still dere n its still fresh in me mind; how it struck @ da first place. Its really hurting n still be (I believe) n I cudnt manage 2 have a 2nd blow or else i’ll collapse helplessly.
But dis guy is not ordinary.


He came when his presence is not expected. He’s an angel sent down by Lord, when I’ve already be da devil. His caring n loving transpire when I’ve been a while turned into apathy and indifference. He re-incarnates da mesmerised glory of falling in love (again) when my heart has closed its doors securely. And dis come da paradoxes. As much as he is a sign of danger 4 me, it is his companionship dat I endlessly craving 4. As much as I’ve tried 2 hate him, I began to feel da love n caring blossoming. As much as I dun want him, it is me dat wanted to see him. And as much as I want 2 run away, it is him who come even closer.


O Lord!


Da worst thing – I’ve developed da feelings in da frenship I’ve newly crafted. I fear dat my sincere, third-party-without-political-interest piece of minds are tarnished wif self-interest n prejudice. I hate me being me and I hate him for causing dis. Truth b told – having feelings @ 1st is a sin. A wrong dat I’ve effortlessly committed n helplessly 2 avoid. And I know I’ll rot in hell for causing dis mess.


But yesterday was da nite. Bcuz of my sincere-yet-sinful company, I’ve allowed myself 2 b used by him.


“How cud u do dis 2 me?”

“How am I supposed 2 know ur bf’s whereabouts?”

“Keeping its tracks n minds... and even if I do, wouldn’t it not be my duty 2 inform my fren’s whereabouts?”

“Y r u putting me on da edge having u n ur bf side by side? I owe a sense of belonging 2 my fren, yet u’ve become sum1 important in my life.”


N suddenly da heart n mind began 2 whisper:

I know (although I always believe dis cudnt be true) he’s using me behind dis relationship. I can feel it. Dat my very presence cud assist him in tracking his bf whereabouts n stuffs. I’ve been an unpaid spy – reporting, acknowledging, informing him bout my fren. Dis, I believe, has happened once, and I cud be da 2nd ‘white mouse.’ And I know dis is totally wrong. Deep inside my heart, I KNOW IT IS SO UNETHICAL AND @CERTAIN POINTS, DIS HAS 2 STOP.


How can I do dis 2 my very fren?


Within seconds, I know dis cudnt b true. How cud an angel put me into a bad state and made me into engaging evils? I beg U, LOVING, dis cudnt be true. I adore u, and have crowned my highest admiration 2 u, thus u cant be dis bad. U mite be reckless n irrational (at times) but u aren’t bad. U cant be da bad one. Please, I beg U: tell me dis is not true n u will help me by not putting me through dat ever again. Ever.


I know I will never own you, but still, I dun want 2 loose u. Having u as my fren is simply more than enuff from wat I cud ask 4. U always stood by me n cared 4 me. And Im glad dat I av you. I will rest-assured dat my fren will be in gud hands of urs. Above all, I juz want u both 2 b happy, enduring love, cherishing each other beyond all distance and time.


Simply becuz ...
(CONCLUSION)

As much as I want u, I am bound by my own destiny and paths. And they r telling me, we aren’t meant 4 each other, no matter how desire I am towards u. Accepting dis as a hard execution 4 me, I’m letting u go, sending my prayers n blessings 2 guide u along da way. N I juz want u 2 know, no matter where life has brought u – whether success and glory surround u or failures haunt u, you always av a place to stay in my heart n mind.


U have once been in a special part of my life and will forever be, as long as my life stays wif me.

Im glad 2 av da opportunity 2 know u, LOVING.


xxx

I NEED DISTRACTIONS ... PLEASE

Need to keep me arse running, sparing no room of loneliness in the mind, I need to sweat as much as I need to breathe.

Above all, I juz wanna move on.

So, lets keep on rolling Zokh:


19th March 2009 – Academic presentation on “Institution and Economic Growth: Europe after World War II”
comments: Nearly collapsed on the stage. –giggles-


21st March 2009 – Written exam on ‘Multilateral Institutions and Asia-Europe Economic Development’
comments: Great =( Just GREAT (^_^)


21st March (Evening) – Asia-Europe Gala Night 2009 (Kuala Lumpur Hilton).
comments: Yeay – Monte Carlo, Tuxedo. Time to be gorgeous and hawt, bitches =)


25th March 2009 – FSPPP Interview and Preliminary Presentation of Dissertation “The Collapse of American Superpower: The Case of 9/11 and aftermath”
comments: I know I gonna screw up. My 2nd death-call is about to be made.


MAY THE FORCE BE WITH ME !!!

A PARADOX OF THE HEART

Loving,

As much as I try to forget you
Seems there’s nothing much I can do
Trying hard to spare my feelings
Although there’s so much to bare for healings
I wish we never met
Hence my heart and mind won’t be sad
I wish you were never exist
Resulting my love and tender to cease
It’s hurt to learn your very presence
It’s much more hurting my feelings come to existence
Why dear Lord? Why this could happen?
Why I am so much driven?
I am just a mortal who wants to be happy
Every seconds and minutes passed would not be blasphemy
Why it’s him you sent to me?
Whereas the things to enjoy are so many
I want to live I want to be free
My life is just once not two or three
As you are (blissful) with someone
I wish t stay away as I am not the bad man
The more I ran, the more I resist
Your voice comes clearer although merely a hiss
My reasonableness wants you to go away
But my desire simply wants you to stay
I am shattered, my minds fickled
My hands chained, my feet grounded
Trapped, drowning, aimlessly breathing
Confused, suffering and forever anxiously waiting …



1421: Classroom : where loneliness and boredom matter

Its My Life

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted

No silent prayer for the faith-departed

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd

You're gonna hear my voice

When I shout it out loud

It's my life

It's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just wanna live while I'm alive

It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground

For Tommy and Gina who never backed down

Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake

Luck ain't even lucky

Got to make your own breaks

It's my life

And it's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just want to live while I'm alive

'Cause it's my world

Better stand tall when they're calling you out

Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life

And it's now or never

'Cause I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life

And it's now or never

'Cause I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just want to live while I'm alive

'Cause it's my life!

After A While ...

After sumtimes, perhaps, dis is da best chemistry I can provide u, explaining my current state of mind n soul.


(FREEDOM IS COMING) + (FEAR IS GONE) =

A FREE MAN I AM (WITH LIBERALISED SOUL)


4 da past 2 months, I’ve been (purposely) restricting myself 2 blogging bcuz of a reason (but dat doesn’t exclude my laziness still lol). It has come 2 my knowledge dat sum1 (dat I used 2 love n 2 adore) knew my blog n been following asignofthecreator since we make-up. Every lil things I wrote got through his mind, resulting into a series of minor quarrelling, although we both fully conscious dat no one cud ever stop me from blogging on anything dat crossed me mind.


N 4 da sake of rescuing our relationship (which has been on da rock – @ da end of a cliff waiting 2 crash), I decided 2 slow down n only 2 blog whenever its utterly unavoidable. Dats y u only see very few postings 4 da past 3 months. I voluntarily sealed my mouth not 2 share publicly juz 2 tolerate wif him n not 2 invite unnecessary plus irrelevant disturbance while reconciling (or in an academic branding known as conflict and dispute settlement) LOL. I humbly believe dat I’ve done my best 2 save sumting dat once remarkably important in my life.


But truth be told, it was an unsuccessful attempt. Our relationship is torn and impossibly to be mended up. Its OK. I’ve gone through da sweat n tears n now completely recharged. @ least im proud 4 being trying not 2 let it happen (although not 2 my very best u wud argue). After all, my private counsellor used 2 say, “Things juz happened wanzue.” Its either we try to accept it and embrace it, or 4ever live in da denial … which da latter option seems 2 b very idealistic n not pragmatic (at all).


So dis is where I am. Single. Free. Tranquil n blissful. Happy n adorable as usual –grins- no 1 can stop me from speaking out me mind n expressing meself now. I am wat I am n not afraid 2 be Me. I can sense my feelings n emotions be liberalised n da fear is gone, leaving me @ a best state of independence and survival.


Hail Zokhri d Magnificient (^_^)


I can c a niu day has come, da sun is rising up high, sweeping da stormy n dark clouds far away. Birds began chirping, n da flowers started 2 blossom (ok enuff of fanstasizing Zokh, u’ve crossed da board) ngeh ngeh. Dis is a brand new moment, n I’m all up 2 face it – without turning back n stepping behind.


I WANT TO LIVE


I WANT TO BREATHE


I WANT TO BE HAPPY


I’ve already av plans in mind after graduation. PhD – lecturing – joining movements (erk its kinda legal one although underground…dun wery mum) – travelling- making new frens – n probably open up my heart n fall in love (again) {big grins} I’m also considering 2 do my second degree on English Literature (matilaaaa nak jadi Shakespere katanyeh)


No doubt, loneliness is always contacting, seeing me through da windows. But I’ll let it conquer no more. If u ask me whether Im lonely, of course I am. It’s a normal phase after every break-ups, which a mortal human needs 2 go through. But dat doesn’t put a stop 2 live. Its juz another transition b4 u move 2 da next chapter which hopefully 2 b happier n merrier. Isn’t it best 2 have a pause once in a while in life?


So, where does dat bring us? Yup, I’ve told ya I’m still alive n breathing. I am single n im happy being one.
Im proud on wat I’ve been through, I feel strong after facing da truth
I wont be mad I wont be sad, cuz I know life would not always be bad.

Thanks 2 all who av lent their support, 4 being wif me when I needed em. U guys r da greatest n bestest. 4 every minutes passed, 4 every cups of coffee u spent on me, while listening 2 my stories (n sumtimes theories too) lol I thank u. I am back 2 business and moving on 2 rawk da world.


Specifically dere r two things dat I owe 4 healing my misery:

First, ‘Twilight’ novel by Stephenie Meyer. OMG … If a vampire cud b real and be as nice as an angel, I’ll surrender everything juz 2 b wif him. (Hayoooooooo statementtt) =)

Second, Bon Jovi’s marvellous rendition of “Its My Life”. Everytime I sang and heard da song, a new momentum has geared up. N I wont 4get da moment wif da gurlies (SIS, Eva, Yusnita & Rizalina) karaokeing dis song (like hell) till I loose me voice n contracting two-day-sorethroat. N dis shall be da theme song 4 me, in da next couple of months.


P/S: My mate has once sed: “Having sex while u were cheating ur partner is da best ever.” N I cudnt agree more. Hihi


Roger n out…



Yours truly,

ZI