Welcoming February, The Month of Love

Feels Like It Was Only Yesterday

I have to keep myself reminded (most of the time) dat we’re entering da first decade of the millennium, in which, carries out the meaning dat Im indeed aging. Its hard 2 conceive da fact dat, 4 every second passed, 4 every day ended; giving me an indication dat my age will no longer be the same. Certainly, I thank God for been sparing my life up 2 dis second Im breathing, for without His mercy for da next millisecond, I mite not b able 2 blink my eyes (even 4 juz once). But da irony is – neither my mind nor my body can truly accept dis phenomenon of aging.


Which makes me clueless and been wondering da reason(s).


I keep on mistakenly writing da date as 2009 and encountered numerous embarrassing moments wif dat accidental error (u know da Japs cud be very annoyingly articulated when it cums 2 dis tiny lil matters), not 2 mention wif my lecturer – DUSH-


But I guess, dat is juz normal 4 me. It’s hard 4 me 2 let go of things, wat more memories in life. Probably I am living my life to da fullest, in da sense dat every hour of living, I’ll do it wif no regret and high level of encouragement. No doubt, 2009 cud b regarded nearly 2 da “dark age history” of mine (as I’ve learned da meaning of betrayal and self-interest supremacy from da 1st hand experience – no kidding!) But then, I managed 2 convert those undesirable tragedies into sumting dear 2 me. And I guess I did it in many ways:


I quarreled wif Mum and Dad because I love em – cuz by not telling em wat I want, I’ll grow regretness in my heart which latter transformed into putting the blame on em.

I broke up wif my ex bcuz I dun want h_ _ 2 keep on lying 2 me n finding excuses not 2 commit 2 our relationship. I want h_ _ 2 be free. And so do I.

I left my gurlies n their world, not bcuz I hate em, but 4 em 2 pursue things without me as it will never b da same with some regarded me as an “Axis of Evil” 4 da mistake which I never intended 2 commit.

I took da decision 2 leave da country not because I despise Malaysia for giving me these series of melancholic events, but 4 me 2 discover da more of myself when Im alone in a foreign land.

ALL IN ALL, I did it on da belief dat it was da best 4 me.


Hence, I never feel far from those memories cuz I tried 2 think em in da +’ve way. Da thing dat I discovered (after few of self-experiment) when thinking positively, you will never b far from da memories, as they remained near 2 u. As if it was yesterday everything had happened. And as long as they remain alive and fresh in my mind, my life can be regarded stagnant n not rapidly aging. Dat’s y my brain is hard 2 register da fact dat Im now in 2010 cuz it feels like 2009 still!


“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Suddenly, I’m not half to man I used to be, there’s a shadow hanging over me…”

-Beatles-

Nevertheless, I vow not 2 look back into da past n explore new strategies 2010 can offer 2 me. Obviously da lessons of my past are always sealed n tightly kept in da safest place of mine, but I will cringe no more 2 da past. N dat wat I mean by “POSITIONING” i.e. restructuring myself into the new time span 4 da next 365 days (wif God’s mercy, of course). Not really “REBRANDING”, cuz dere’s nothing surprisingly new I want 2 introduce, but merely few restructuring need to be carried out.


Da outcome? God knows wat. Perhaps, I’ll give a thot on it when dis year is coming 2 an end.


Gosh, now Im talking like a financial analyst. Must b because of forced self-indulgence into Cost-Benefit Analysis Course which drives me crazy for dis couple of weeks. Final assessment is next week, and Im already saturated wif Marshall Demand Curve, Pigounian Tax, Phillips Indifference Curve, Pareto Optimality … (hundred more to come)


God guides me through.

2010 for Hope, Wish and Love,

ZI

2010: A Letter to Me Familia

My dearest brothers and sister,

It has been six days passed for the next chapter of our life. My apologies for not being able to wish you a very happy blessed New Year for 2010. Doesn’t matter even it is not an Islamic celebration nor important dates to you both, 2010 comes with many expectation and targets that we plan to achieve. For this very reason, I believe New Year is an important moment – giving oneself to reflect his/her achievement in the past 365 days and what s/he could do better in the next cycle. I had safely arrived in campus after a long winter trip and class had resumed today. The tiredness can still be felt, but I just don’t want to miss the chance of wishing you both a very happy new year.

Another year comes bringing another level of wisdom and maturity, supposedly. This is what a sane mind of homo sapien would think. However, this might not be the case for everybody. Maturity comes evolutionarily. You will never know neither realise the journey of the process what more people who surround you. By this I hope that you won’t expect me to be more matured than before but to allow me to learn life, to improve myself from mistakes. Indeed, mistakes are the best lessons in our life. I never hope to be more mature than anyone of you, just because I am the eldest, but I wish to be mature following the natural way it supposed to be. No matter how long it will take, it is the journey that matters. It is “aint about how fast I get there, aint about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s The Climb”. (Sang by Miley Cyrus but I like Joe McElderry’s version more. Im sure kakak knows this should she watches X Factor)

As my life experience taught me, we will never satisfy others with our way. Not even to persuade others to think, to act and to agree with our way. By that I call ‘Human Conflict.’ Its normal and complete natural as God makes us different from one and another in number of ways. These are the diversity of differences that God wants us to cherish and to enjoy. He doesn’t create these differences, for us to fight and quarrel, I believe. Rather, for us to respect each other’s decision for we want others to respect ours. Respect is what we lack in our family, and what we need in our relationship. Not merely respecting because of a status and position but for every decision and thinking we all have. We might find ourselves disagree with someone but remember, no matter how much we disgust on his/her thinking, we owe him/her a great respect for that decision. As the eldest in the family (although I never once, regard being the eldest to all of you), I respect any decision you have taken and will choose in your life. As long as you will be happy, I am more than satisfied and nothing to ask more. Even though in the end, it turns to be a wrong decision, but that’s how we learn life. Isn’t it a burden to ask the similar from you?

We might go in different paths in life, heading to different directions based on our personal targets. But that will never put us apart. Our love and remembrance will always be together no matter if we are far across the oceans and regions. We are in ourselves, but we know we will stand together if we need to. So go and achieve your dreams for 2010! Go to the furthest point in your life, for you live life only once. Go and grab the highest star in your skies, for u fail, you will still be higher from the rest. I have my dreams too and I will try to achieve it no matter hard, cause I know it is not the destination that really matter, but the journey of reaching to the point. I hope you will never blame me for the dreams I will pursue in life, because my life will be souless and lifeless without me setting the paths to my dreams. Again, you will not have to necessarily agree, but the least to respect my perspectives.

I wish you all the best in your studies, your love relationship and in anything that you do. I am never far from you. All you need to do is to write and I’ll take care of the rest. No matter how big the problems you encounter, my ears are all yours, if you need a listener. My advice or solutions would not be as great as Einstein’s E=mc2, but I will try my best to make you feel better. I will never be far!

Last but not least, remember life will never be easy for you and me. It has many hurdles and complications for us to go through. But, if life is in itself already complicated, why complicate it more? Make it easy, take it lightly as things in the end will fall in its place. Eventually.

Happy New Year 2010. May many happiness and prosperity return to all of you.

Love you, with all my heart and soul,

B- Zed

1727 – IUJ Library- Niigata – Japan

WRITE...Because Words Will Never Die!

I’ve been thinking lately, if death is coming to invite me, wat wud I left 2 da ones existing still? Leaving properties behind seems normal, but @ current, I dun think my savings worth to be distributed. I’ve given nothing 2 mankind dat makes me worth 2 b remembered. I mite av touched few lifes wif da fact of my existence, my aspiration and my living experience. My Kalsom family always thot dat I’m a gud orator, hence I shud b a motivator in life inspiring ppl. While I’m thinking dat cud b true, I am n will try my utmost effort 2 aspire ppl 2 b happy, not 2 be afraid of downturns, and never be victimised by situation so on and so forth. But wat will happen, da day I’ve been called to meet Almighty Lord, leaving dis despair world 2 da existing souls dat have been surrounded me? Will I still be able 2 help em, although in da case of my non-existence? Will death stops me from making dis world a better place?

I think NO!

Death will not limit me from helping ppl around. I will still b able 2 touch da living hearts although I no longer breathe. I still can change da world, without me being da actor who orchestrate da metamorphosis of peace and tranquility. I will keep on writing and composing cuz my words will never die wif me. They will stay alive, aspiring many lives, although I no longer being around. Knowing dis, I’ve eliminated da fear of living many beautiful ppl behind, when da time eventually arrives.

I want my burial n memorial 2 b aspired. Dat ppl will not cry 4 my final departure, but b more encouraged 2 live life. So dat they b thankful dat God has given em another day 2 stay immortal in dis transitionary journey. I need em 2 keep da spirit burning – 2 make da world a better place 2 stay. My struggle, my fight have been terminated (without my utter willingness of course) but it will not b da end 4 da ones remaining.

Let my death be a commemorative turning point 4 mankind n civilisation – 2 appreciate each other n living 2gether in peace. I mite not witness zero violence, zero hunger, starvation, poverty, war etc when my eyes can clearly see. But wif a lil thing I’ve left, I mite see da change, centuries after my death, in heaven, wif da others smiling n appreciating da change. I dun want my death 2 b teared, rather I want it 2 b a moment ppl will smile wif hope, determination n strong will-power 2 proceed my dreams. Our dreams.

Hence, I wont stop writing n composing. Regardless, whether it attracts many readers or not, I will keep on expressing my mind n heart. It mite not be useful now, totally crap and irrelevant, but when I no longer b wif you, u can always come 2 Asignofthecreator and I’m glad dat it cud reminds u of me. Thus, I will never b far, u can always hear me when u need 2. I am juz near by ur side, although distance have torn us apart 2 da very farthest point I cud ever b. U’ll never b lonely, cuz my words will keep u alive. U’ll never be feeling down, cuz my whisper will cheer u up. U’ll never get enuff or hate dis life becuz my life has ended but u still had a long way 2 go.

Dats y I write without rules. I express without borders. I want, as best dat I can, 2 picture myself clear, so dat I wont be forgotten. I will tell every lil story dat has happened in my life so dat Zokhri Idris will be remembered when he’s gone. A picture, a story of a true Zokhri Idris – his ups & downs, his experience of success, downturns, every lil smile n tears, every single feeling n thinking he encounters (no matter how strange n weird cud it b 2 some)

Although I av nothing 2 leave for – no legacy, no wealthy empire, not even a reputation 2 pass onto my descendants, but I want my great2 grandchildren 2 know me. A simple ordinary guy, who has a big passion in life will never be enuff wif God’s blessings. Although, I mite not b da best motivator ever existed on earth while I was living, who knows, God wills, I mite b able 2 touch many hearts n life when I’m gone. I will die, permanently vanished from dis world, but my thoughts will never die wif me. My words will stay alive, inspiring many hearts, shining many souls and making da world a better place 2 live on.

A Shakespeare I am not, far even from the creator of E=MC2, I am juz a small tiny lil human, but my heart is big enuff 2 shake da world. It mite not b recognized by Nobel Prize, Oscar Awards or anything alike, but I will b more than sufficient if dis will touch one’s life, few, many or possibly all. My success is not valued from recognition da world offers, but by da existence of many living souls who will make their life thousands worthwhile. Life offers no regret 2 every1. No matter how bad U’ve screwed up, how many times U’ve slipped, fallen n defeated, u can always get up, set your mark and race – da things dat u can never do when u were put in rest, 4 eternity.

I pledge 2 write till da last breath of holding da pen. I will find da will 2 express my life chapters till da end of its page. I may probably cant walk, muted, paralysed, lying down helplessly in da future, but I will search da means 2 speak my mind, 2 reveal my feelings cuz I know, my words are da only most priceless treasure I can leave 2 all of u.

I won’t write my name on the sand, fearing the waves will sweep it away

I won’t write my name on the clouds, worrying the storm might erase it away

But I will write straight to your heart, where it will stay

Forever and Ever…

If God takes me away, to Him I pray, your life will never be gray,

ZI

Life is already complicated: WHY MAKE IT MORE?

Mode: PMS 8^th Scale…Haha

I’ll try to compose a short n precise dis time – str8 hitting da point. No need 2 discuss da cause(s) of da entry, but still I’m lil bit bothered by sum individuals who hard 2 let go of their feelings after few rejections. I wonder, why ppl cant juz move on n live on, after knowing their love isn’t returned 2 their favour. Izzit (really) hard 2 let go sum1 dat u luv, knowing s/he doesn’t feel da same towards u?

Hypothetical: Say, SW knows dat her gurl GMN is eyeing and liking on HTK, n dat has happened since da very beginning, why cant SW juz try 2 accept dis n move on?

Why one still keep on resisting da fact n pressuring oneself 2 win sum1’s heart, while u already know u cudnt b da man? By doing so, aren’t ya juz trying 2 complicate things, by standing in between da two loving souls (in which I believe is already complicated in its nature)? I know deep down, u r hurting, but why wud u choose 2 hurt urself more (longer and harder), even da current is simply unendurable?

OK2. Dun get me wrong ere. Im not siding anyone in dis case. Im neutral. Juz like Switzerland. (^_^) All I intend is 2 minimise da pain n maximise pleasure in life, which we know aint be long n 4ever. I know n fully aware, dat @ times, 1^st luv is truly unforgettable n we shudnt easily surrender 2 love. We shud give our utmost best 2 attain it n strive wif all we can. But not when da possibility is extremely low n insignificant. When u know dat u r no longer in sum1’s eyes, n ur presence is merely a mutual company, u shud stop, wif all due respect 2 ur feelings and emotions, investing ur efforts n hope 2 dat ‘sumone.’ Basic rule says – “It takes 2 to tango.” EXACTLY. U cant dance 2gether if ur dance partner doesn’t follow ur rhythm. Wat even is s/he refuse 2 follow. U simply cant force him/her 2 move, wat more 2 force urself 2 move further.

Simply unfair … and 2 certain extent, cruel.

So close ur eyes, inhale, chin-up n exhale everything – release da feelings n da person from ur mind. Dere’s always sumbody out dere who is patiently waiting 4 ur luv. Like my previous English teacher used 2 say, ‘dere’s always sumbody 4 everybody.’ Period.

N I believe in dat. N I made it through too. To sum, I was merely trapped in dis love triangle thingy. I nearly {emphasis added} fall 4 sum1 whom happened 2 b my best fren’s lover. No need 2 tell how it happened (but check out in da previous entries) but suffice 2 say I manage 2 settle myself quite peacefully from da s***. I knew my limit n didn’t push it over. I eventually came 2 my senses, n without da help of any1, I backed off from da whole triangle, n found my way back to enjoy life. N I proud dat I did dat. (probably after many trainings and experience) lol.

Its juz 1 thing dat I still cudnt figure out – why is my best fren (or he claimed 2 b ex-best fren now) abhors me 2 da max, as if I’ve committed an unforgivable sin. I mean, wat av I done? It was juz a crush, for crying out loud. It wasn’t dat I’ve cheated on him or sumting worse. N I know dis wud b a useless self-defence, but hey, no one can stop me from liking sum1 n vice versa. Dats wat ur heart truly feels n da heart juz cudnt lie. But wat matters is – how r u managing da conflict of interest n move forward!!! N truth b told, I’ve managed it once n 4 all. ALL ALONE BY MYSELF. N u thot dat I’m da most devilish person ever existed on earth? Sumhow, I pity u 4 having dis in ur mind.

So I guess dats it. Da moral of da story dat I gathered – u r not guilty 4 hearting sum1 dat, in a way attracts u 2 do so. But dat sum1 also cudnt b held guilty for rejecting u in da end. Dere is possibly no force 2 like/dislike human as dis is a matter of da heart conviction. Whatever da heart says, it goes. But we shudnt ignore da existence n functions of mind, which God bestowed it 4 us human 2 rationalise stuffs n put things into da correct perspectives (as best as it can)

Conclusion: Life/Love itself is a complication. But why bother 2 make it more complicated. Isn’t simplicity is da best recipe for a gud quality of life? Come on, many disasters ever produced by mankind, are caused by da complications dat men opted 2 react?

Aren’t we had enuff of these?

Smile, laugh and cheer cuz you wont be forever live,

ZI

Don't Leave Me O Beauty

I wish for a longer night

To see the moon shining out bright

Sparkling stars everywhere on my sight

To breeze the mountain-air, refreshing

Running through the lungs, purifying

On top of the balcony, I stand

In the middle of the freezing cold

Alone, mesmerising the skies

Up far, so beautiful, I admire what you are

I feel wide-ness, spacious and borderless

After going a day which is cruel and limited

And now, seeing a melancholic night I am

With no other worries, free from conflicting concerns

I wish for a longer night

So that my problems seem to be far away

Carrying forced obligations along the trail

Leaving my soul empty and lonely

By adoring you and the stars

Loneliness is bliss

A gift … to the heart to swift

Along with the breezy winds, underneath the dark universe

I feel ease, I can breath

I feel serendipity enrapturing, sadness eliminating

I could see the beauty

Strangely, hard to describe, easily to be felt

Because beauty is to be sensed, not to be told

I wish the night could be longer

To count the stars as there is no tomorrow

To feel the calm as there is nothing to worry

To enjoy loneliness as there could not be betrayal

To stay underneath the borderless screen, exhausting from running

Chasing every second in life

I just want to be here, just here I stand

Every minute now and then

When there is no pain, suffering and separation

I don’t want to face tomorrow

An uncertain life which full of cruelty and misery

Which the hearts opts nothing but for dishonesty

Which the minds choose no other than hypocrisy

Please, I beg Thy, stop the time

Take everything that is mine

Leave my soul; leave my heart, my mind to cherish the night

I wish the night to be longer

But the stars are fading away

The moon is turning grey

They both shalt perish

Fearing the sun rising out east

Leaving me aimlessly

Ignoring me helplessly

Crying, suffering and suffocating

In the world of misery

Without goodbyes and farewell

I can see you are avoiding me.

0236

November 16^th 2009

SD-1 Balcony, IUJ

Between Arrogance and Innocence

Mode: Without words (the vid is enclosed in da previous entry)

Many of me mates been asking, wats so special bout being addicted to Korean Dramas? Wat cud b da spell dat has made my evenings turn into sleepless nites n most of my days spent listening 2 their musics? It cudnt b bcuz of d actors/actress looks cuz dere r many more gud looking movie stars, especially from da West. And more obvious, wat’s so extravagant bout da country dat made me being very tight on my budget, juz 2 save 4 my Korean trip next year?

Wat a hefty list of questions... which only lead 2 a simple n single answer.

It’s becuz of my emotional attachments 2 da movies dat have made me fallen helplessly into da country n its ppl. N dat emotional attachment has taught me many things; concerning love (sahrang), friendship (u-chong) and relationship (kwang-ge). If I wud write every single thing dat I encountered from my endless indulgence, it cud b ages (n boring too). So lemme juz pick one of d things dat I’ve discovered between one being arrogant and innocent.

Point of Reference: You’re Beautiful starring Jang Geun Suk and Park Shin Hye

I used 2 believe dat love finds equality in both partners. A charming, loving, n gud looking guy wud end up wif a beautiful, caring n mesmerising gurl. They probably fallen, under da notion of “love @ first sight.” It is so powerful dat able 2 catch da victims of love, without any means of escape. Hence, although with differences like life status n background, they still b in love n b prepared 2 face any changes come wat may. Dis is wat we learnt in World’s love epic Romeo and Juliet, 1001 nights, Cinderella, Snow White up to da recent ‘Titanic’ in 1998. In da end, despite the everyone-know ending “they lived happily ever after”, we develop a thinking – they juz perfectly match 2 b 2gether. He’s handsome n she’s pretty n dats it. Period.

But “You’re Beautiful” demonstrates a different angle on how both can b falling in love. They began with tough relationship, not as da classics have shown. Being the nation’s top vocalist, (I’m not sure whether dis is da case in reality), Hwang Taek Yung is known for his heartless, arrogant and boastful personality. Although later I’ve discovered why he cud turn out like dat, but enw, his snobbish-ness made me think whatever-laa. On the other hand, Go Mi Nam, a transforming nun into being an artist, is adored for her straight-minded, sincere, and most important, her innocence. Come on, she’s so naive and straightforward type of gurl and they met in a performing band named A.N.JELL and dats how everything started.

Many scenes are portraying dat one’s high-esteemed of arrogance cud b mellowed down by da virtues of another being innocent. Because GMN is so sincere and naïve, many of her actions have resulted HTK 2 think back n deeper after been harsh 2 her. He’s been taken back, giving him a moment 2 more understand her personality n gradually believe dat he shudnt b so mean 2 her anymore. His heart is won by a gurl who is not-so-pretty but because of her pure intentions, she manages 2 trip a guy 4 a second 2 think – how extraordinary da gurl cud meant to him.

GMN on da other hand, though had no experience falling in luv (as in da movie), was struck eventually when knowing, despite of da bad treatment given by HTY, da guy still care 4 her. Although, up 2 dis episode, without words, she feels love is coming n senses da feeling spreading through her heart. N becuz of her innocence, da blossoming aura dat snaps her heart is a true feeling, a pure luv dat began 2 set its paths. I guess no matter how strange da personality of a person is, a human can never be naïve when it comes 2 luv. It’s a basic thing dat connects a homosapien 2 another species of its own.

Thus, da overall falling 4 each other process wasn’t happened so classically romantic but full of fun, real and normal. Dat makes da drama stands higher among others, cuz through yelling, screaming and harsh treatments by HTY, luv is flying in da air. Da director has successfully, I think, make da scene more sweet n romantic as it is real, common n not too fantasise like other movies do. An arrogant man’s heart is touched by an innocent naïve gurl, likewise, a straightforward gurl is falling in luv wif a guy who always being rude n disrespectful.

Hence, da formula I’ve gathered: ARROGANCE + IGNORANCE = PERFECT MATCH *wink*

Seems illogical @ 1^st, but very remarkably sweet if u can think of it (as shown in da drama)

I also admire Shin Woo. Although how much he hearts GMN, he decided not 2 let it bursts, fearing of worsening da situation. And I pity him, 4 loosing so many opportunities 2 express his luv, bcuz of his respectful opinion 2 HTK and GMN. I cud feel how tormenting he is, suffering from sealing everything (his feelings, his tears and sadness) tightly 2 himself. Juz 4 his own endurance!!! I know da most painful da heart cud suffer is, 4 not revealing 2 sum1 how much u care/luv him/her n how much important s/he is 2 u. Worst, when u sat beside da person, knowing dat s/he is leaving u n never cud b urs. Arghhhh… how pitiful n I hate dis kinds of situations. Nevertheless, SW has all of my admiration, for his long suffocation n high patience since he cud never b da one 4 GMN.

Isn’t it love is not 2 possess but 2 let sumone dat u luv lives happily (even though not being wif u?)

I’ve learnt dat, all I need 2 do is pursuing life juz in da way I am. No need 2 b sum1 which isn’t u, although u mite think ppl mite dislike ur appearance n personality juz being urself. If u changed, dat person mite not fall 4 u truly, but for another person u r trying 2 b. In da end, it is not u dat s/he loves, but da character dat u imitate falsely. And even s/he doesn’t like u (worst case scenario), 4 being who u r, u juz av 2 accept it n move on. Dere is still sum1 out dere who is endlessly waiting 4 ur luv, n adore u 4 being who u r simply. N dat person will stay by ur side everlastingly bcuz by juz being u, his/her life is so meaningful and perfect. Most important, u will not deceive him/her, wat more 2 urself. As GMN is facing through, da luv will still find her although how not-appealing she is in da eyes of an ordinary man. Love Will Show You Everything (^_^)

Occay then, I better pen-off n limit my praise 2 dis film. It’s still @ preliminary screening, thus, I cudnt make my generalisation 2 its entirety. Dere cud b series of unfortunate turn ups dat made my heart crashes (especially with da existence of the 3Bs in the drama) as other Korean films do. But so far, I think, it has been doing fine n I’m helplessly surrendering my devotion 2 dis drama. It’s a pain 2 wait 4 next episode b screened since its currently showing in Korea twice a week. Penantian Itu Satu Penyiksaan, rite? But if its 4 a gud cause n ending, such suffering is worth 2 b felt.

To those who wish 2 join me in my new addiction, u r always welcome. Dis is da best rendition I can find in da internet 2 closely follow da movie - http://www.youtube.com/user/Pyrite5ive

Credit to Pyrite5ive 4 his/her hard time in subbing da movie, 4 others 2 better view. For all ur effort and hardwork, I truly thank you. Komawa samida.

So in da end,

POLL: Do you think I can be a gud movie reviewer in d future? I mite seriously consider if da outcome seems 2 b +’ve. (^_^)

Sahrang, U-Chong and Kwang-Ge,

ZI