MEMOIRS OF KALSOM 13TH 2007

MEMOIRS OF KALSOM: IT'S ALL ABOUT GIVING ...

MEMOIRS OF KALSOM: IT’S ALL ABOUT GIVING

Summer is juz around da corner. Annually, summer comes bringing 2gether a lot of fun activities n meaningful engagements. Its da time (during uni days) 2 wrap up all books, lecture notes n packing back home. Throughout da years (including post-uni time period) summers never disappoint me. Frens will b cuming back, loads of catch-ups n dinings –slash- getting souvenirs from abroad including attending Kalsom. “Projek Kalsom (4 those who aren’t aware) is a motivational camp held yearly for Form 4 students who come from less fortunate backgrounds. It is run by Malaysian students enrolled in higher education institutions in the UK and Ireland under the auspices of the United Kingdom and Eire Council for Malaysian Students (UKEC).” (http://www.projek-kalsom.com/)

Since 2007, (without fail), I’ve been a sincere devotee to this program. @ times, I cudnt say wat brings me dere. Da drive 2 participate n contribute is indescribable by words. I’ve discovered dats da beauty about giving. One needs not to mention his contribution cuz Lord’s reward is da best return, 4 s/he will be bestowed. Knowing dis I feel sufficient.

However, allow me to share my memoirs in dis camp. May it will open ur hearts on da power of giving. Kalsom is a program, gathered by most British educated figures who came 2 realise dat dere r many more potential brains from our youngsters who av been less fortunate 2 enjoy da privileges of studying abroad. True, kids are playful, reckless, aim-less n vague bout their future they will embrace. They idling around, leisuring while not worrying bout commitments n engagements and I dun blame em. Its da situation dat we shall examine @. They r lacking of courage but not many give them one. Lacking of ambition becuz their parents are too busy in expanding wealth. Depriving of motivation cuz da surrounding doesn’t promote so. How on earth a 15-17 year old child wud av da means n power 2 improve him/herself, while da atmosphere propagates otherwise.

N dis is where we appear into their life.

Saving em from the lacuna in aiming 4 d stars.

Helping em 2 guide da way of lite.

Guiding em 2 pursuit a more meaningful happiness.

Bringing em 2 da place where we r standing @ da mo.

I cud still vividly remember, @ 1st, faces of boredom n hopeless were shown among them. We occupied their hols n worst, they were not given options 2 withdraw from da camp. “It will b another boring motivational camp, wif study techniques n tips, punishments, n time punctuality,” they thot. “What another hell.” But we proved dis all wrong. Kalsom is about having fun, creating smiles and laughters in order to learn the purpose of existence in life. 2 make every single moment in life a worthwhile. We didn’t teach em 2 get gud grades, wonderful jobs and luxurious lifestyle & etc, but wat is best they can achieve while living. Its not about getting 21As in SPM, but wat is made of em upon graduating from senior high.

Any out-of-city stud thot English is a nitemare. 2 em, English lesson serves as 1 of da most-not-favourite subject as they will enter into a half-an-hour time of hell. From da feedback we av gathered, its either they dun unders10 wat da teacher is saying or they dun make themselves clear to the teacher. In short, its a damn boring subject plus they hate writing sumting they even hard 2 spell it. Their minds stuck, their mouth sealed when it comes to English lesson. N we totally unders10 em. Hence, we presented em an English Day which is a day of expression n having fun. In English (obviously). We sang, we acted, we spoke, we listened in English. No rules no spellings check. Not even grammatical observation. We were free 2 utilise da language in da way dat we want. Wats important is we were able 2 penetrate their level of confidence and self-esteem when conversing English.

Its OK 2 make mistake as English isn’t our native language. And ... by learning n loving English doesn’t make any alteration onto ur ethnicity n identity. We r all Malaysians (Asians) n we r not Britons or the Westerners n not trying 2 b one, upon realising, they felt responsive n given da fullest participation. 2 our amaze, they managed 2 translate Asian songs into English n those were hilarious indeed. Ever imagined translating “Jujur” by Indonesian Radja into English? Well, they did. N we were giggling n guffawing all day long singing da translation composed by dis talented kids. It was a victory as the motive is – “English is Fun and not Boring.” * (See footnote)

Da farewell eve was sumting 2 b remembered. We enjoyed as dere will b no 2moro 4 us (in a gud way laaaa I guess). In fact, we pretended as if dere will be no separation awaiting us on da next day. As usual, we set no rules n given da freedom 4 em 2 decide da style and tellin ya, da outcome was beyond expectation. More than sufficient 2 leave thousands of beautiful memories wif m. Truly an unforgettable moment dat one will everlastingly cherish. We saw big potentials in em. They r really gud 4 crying out loud. Wif a bit of guidance, surely they can hit da future box-office (o yes they will). N dis is Kalsom all bout, polishing one’s potential regardless in any discipline, field or avenue.

“In anything dat u do, do it wholeheartedly and sincerely and achieve da highest point,” we sed.

“U dun care if we end up being actors/actresses, not doctors, engineers, lawyers etc?,” some asked.

My instant reply, “Make sure u’ll b da world class actor. Da 1st Malaysian who made it 2 Oscar or Grammy Award.”

They juz smiled but I know they got wat I mean.

Now ere cums da last day. Da day dat none anticipated or waited. Da sun rised up high indicating no sensitivity 2 our sad n depressed feelings. We soul-less-ly packed n made our final way 2 da grand hall 2 witness our final moment. A last moment 2 b together. A moment 2 b remembered. We concluded by saying goodbyes, giving our final words of advice, exchanging contacts, hugs and handshake. It wasn’t long till we heard busses coming (saw parents’ cars crowding da parking area too) indicating dere wasn’t much time left. Tears n hiccups were everywhere ushering da departures. N i guess every1 started 2 feel loss n despair.

N dis make Kalsom s 1 of my priorities when summer arrives. Even till now our bros and sist r still looking 4 us 4 every advice n companionship. I was truly glad when one of my groupmates called n greeted, “WanZhu, sy dpt 10A1 dalam SPM. Mintak2 laaa dpt amek law cam abg.” Another sed, “terima kasih sgt2 kat Kalsom. Klu x de Kalsom ntah2 sy tak dpt result baguih camni.”

Guess wat I felt? –Nothing can b described- .

N I’m sure I’m not da only 1. Few more volunteers wud probably get da same updates from our beloved sibs. As we went down through da memory lane, dere’s nothing much I’ve done 2 da kids. I juz came, talked, made sum jokes, offered my ears n attention n went back home. But 2 em, dats everything they cud get from an elder like me. They even proclaimed, “kadang2 mak bapak sy pun taktau sy nak jd apa.” Others were saying, “depa suruh kami blajaq ja, tapi bukan depa tau betapa susahnya nak score.” N we filled da lacuna in their life. We’ve been da missing part in it. We, being merely a listener whereas nobody ever listened 2 em. They juz want sumbody 2 listen n able 2 unders10 em 4 crying out loud. 2 em, its more than everything they cud av – being 16 yo stud from a rural area wif no guidance n exposure –cum- life sharing.

N I feel satisfied. I feel proud. Noble in one sense. By merely GIVING. Receiving nothing but a sincere remembrance from them. I mite not contribute 2 da nation or even 2 da country, but @ least, I’ve made a slight change on sum1’s life. Cuz I know I’ve screwed mine n dun want da same 2 happen 2 da young ones.

Now summer is ere. Da comrades av been set up 4 another yer of contribution. Another opportunity 2 give in n I’ll b among da front liners 2 volunteer n 2 continue da legacy. Surely, I cudnt succeed walking alone, n we humbly need others 2 help in. N I know a person like me, who isn’t rich 2 donate thousands of pennies 2 various foundations, not even brilliant 2 share ideas n knowledge, not even b in da best behaviour 2 b a role model (well u know me well, aite) but da least of sharing my limited and flaw experience n 2 tell em they aren’t alone in achieving aims, is da best I can do. It mite not b much (2 em), but as long as my presence acts as a starting (or turning) point in their life, I’ll b more than happy. U MITE NOT BE DA WORLD 2 EVERYONE BUT TO SOMEONE YOU ARE HIS/HER WORLD. I feel blessed.

@ da end of everything, if 1 day Lord asks me in da Day of Judgment, “What av ye done in life?” Probably, I will b able 2 whisper, “@ least I’ve tried to do sumting.”

*Footnote:
Some of the theories were saying, da day was perfect due to the presence of one particular facilitator who speaks flawlessly like a brit. N they were mersmeriesed by da accent used by the faci. Hmmmmm ... I wonder who s/he is?

Memoirs of KALSOM 14th 2008

LOVE WILL FIND THE WAY

I raise a white flag, admitting I did spend couple of times thinking bout love n relationship. N I’m not ashamed to admit it. Every single homo sapien, I believe, is not an exception from figuring his/her experience on the notion of love. The power of love, at times, is far beyond reasonableness, to certain points, excruciates the soul. Hence while it could be an everlasting crave 4 the lonely hearts, it also (at the same juncture) cud b very poisonous, enrapturing the logics of the minds.


I began 2 feel love since 15. Although (as u mite argue) high skewl love is sumtimes (or most of da time) fake, but dis was da very moment I’ve realised, 4 da 1st time in my life, I wanted to love sumbody so deeply n be loved by sumbody terribly. I din know how it happened, but it did happened (2 me) n I must say, truly, I was in love when a junior sent me pages n pages of letter confessing his feelings 2wards me. I can still vividly remember, it was during da 1st day I sat 4 my mock exam ( Paper BM penulisan okeh)


2 b honest, it doesn’t really matter 2 me, if they (others) say my love is crap, nothing but only a fool of mine, fake, superficial bla bla bla. U may call it whatever u want, but I dun give a s*** bout it. All I know, it must av been love n has threw me a moment where I flew 2 a sacred place, in a world where no one is around but only da two of us.


On the other hand, as I’m aging, climbing da ladder of maturity and wisdom, love appears n disappears in various ways n chronologies. I’ve reached 2 da state of being loved da most (feels like u r @ da top of da world), da state of betrayal (where the world seems not to matter @ all 2 me), been left n abandoned mercilessly. In short, I’ve been 2 all states of love n relationship. Tasted everything. Felt da sweetness n bitterness; its warmth n coldness. @ dis moment of writing (commemorating my 26th anniversary of my existence on mortal earth) I’m glad I’ve been through all phases in relationship. God has blessed me da strength 2 move on n above all, a wisdom 2 understand each phase I’ve gone through n 2 embrace da message each wants 2 convey.


DESPITE DA UPS AND DOWNS IN DIS KINDA LIFE EXPERIENCE, I DO NOT NEED A REASON 2 B ANGRY WIF GOD.


My Sedisjourn, as pointed earlier, had allocated a considerable amount of time 2 further think about dis i.e. love and relationship. 2 simply reflect da phases Zokhri Idris has gone through n wat will he prepare himself 4 da future n I still conclude dat dis is imperative important subject 2 reflect bout as my faith in love is still burning n shining (kemonnnnn …. Im juz 26… life is still young). I’m convinced dere r many hidden vacuums I’m yet 2 explore, urging 2 da openness of me mind n heart, their willingness n readiness 2 experience da notion of love. 2 b specific, dis r da preliminary Q I’ve considered while my Sedisjourn was taking place:

Taking into effect a quarter of century has passed, do I still believe in da existence of love?

Does my love/relationship orientation still valid/relevant? (u know mine is not like da others, rite?) =)

Am I (really) desperate looking 4 love?

How do I deal wif love within dis 3 year time? bearing in mind, I’m making a huge jump from da current undertaking 2 a new one a.k.a I’m embarking on a new chapter n such transition period must b dealt critically.


As explained above, my faith in love doesn’t diminish. Being heartbroken doesn’t put a stain in da notion of love (dat I believe in). Love is pure, sacred n a virtue in its way. My connotation of love (as u already know) is based on da provision laid down by 1 Corinthians 13:4; doesn’t changed n remained da same.


Hence, love holds no blame on my series of betrayals n loneliness. Perhaps I’ve met da wrong person, bringing 2gether a wrong interpretation of love. Dat person mite perceive love in a different way as I do, n dat wont affect a change of faith in me. I mite end up wif any wrong person again (in near future), but da search will 4ever continues untill I’ve met da one. Probably, dat person is juz out dere (surrounding me) waiting 4 me. Maybe, he is juz in front of me, but its juz not happened yet. Simply…yet…to…happen. N dat makes my life adventurous: adventuring n seeking 4 da one – sumting 2 look up every single minute da sun beginning 2 rise. I mite succeed n I mite fail but, isn’t it da journey dat makes life a worthwhile? 4 each n every discovery will enrich me, adding more colours and flavours 2 da existing dynamics I av encountered.


Does my love/relationship orientation still valid/relevant? Two words – WHY NOT !!! Does love take sides? Does it determine religion, race, ethnicity or even gender? Wif all due respect, I dun think so. We all r human n free 2 decide wat wud b da one dat we want. We r free 2 love n 2 b loved by any1 cuz love itself is universal, doesn’t belonged 2 particular sets, be wif race, religion or gender. Wat matters, is how u love sum1 dat u love, n I dun care wat ppl holds their perception on me n my love. Wats important is my feelings n da person I adore … nothing else matter but only both of us. “AS LONG AS I HAVE HIM, I DON’T NEED HEAVEN” – powerful, self sustained stand n sufficient in its construction.


Corinthian says love never things of herself. It bears up under everything, believes da best in all. Hence, I feel no need 2 extremely desire 4 love. Or 2 b a Mr. Desperado 4 love. Love is not a desperation n wudnt make one being desperate. It is only a complementary, serving da need of a human in his/her life. Making his/her life more meaningful n worthwhile. N I think dis cud b a perfect standpoint. I DO NEED LOVE. But im not desperate or dying 2 look 4 love. I will still be alive n b happy shud love is yet 2 appear. In fact, im happy being single – surrounded by da love of me familia n frens. Da love 4 my careers n passion, da love 4 knowledge n aspiration. I still av my life although its incomplete n I’ll b patient waiting 4 da moment 2 come. “LOVE WILL SHOW ME EVERYTHING. IT WILL COME TO ME IN ITS SECRET WAY. IT WILL FIND ME IN THE END, AND WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH ME.” N I feel sufficient.


Moving on, these couple of years wud b critical. I’m @ da verge of a transition, leaving my current undergoing n bout 2 embark on a new journey. Sum of u shud av known how determined I am in pursuing doctorate n wud b hardly 2 alter da plan (unless I ended up wif an offer from Al-Jazeera, any top british law firms or sumting of a kind) =) considering my Masters is coming 2 an end n Phd application wud last 4 months if not years, da next 12 month wuf b crucial in ensuring da accomplishment of da plan. Dis period must b closely monitored, requiring a high alert of focus n simply stay-on-track. I can’t be distracted or else dis whole thing will end up being useless. N I know, my immunity especially when it cums 2 love is considerably weak as my emotional instability, at times, cud b a serious prob 2 my attention. Honestly, I will b easily breakable when it cums 2 dis subject. N dis inference has been experimented few times n I’m not keen 2 indulge myself in any possible risk during dis transition.


Thus, as being reasonable, I shud welcome no feasible disturbance dat cud side-track my focus on dis direction. Although my close mates always argue, love and aspiration cud tango side by side, but I dun think it will work in my way. I’m simply not convinced on my very own capabilities 2 handle dis. So, wisely, I shud refrain from contacting da surface of dis prob 2 avoid greater harm n injury 2 myself.


All in all, I still believe da power of love into human being (especially my life). It is more forceful dat one cud ever imagined. It cud b my fault by embracing Shakespeare masterpiece a lot, but as more as I av discovered, I cant help but by believing in da existence of love n how love cud b a sign of destruction to human being.


“IF THE WORLD PERISHED N HE STAYS, HER SOUL WILL BE ALIVE; BUT IF HE IS ANNIHILATED AND HER SURROUNDING REMAINED, THE WORLD WILL TURN INTO A COMPLETE STRANGER.”


As my Sedisjourn concludes, love is a hunger of my soul, a thirst of my heart. Nevertheless, my reasonableness of mind has 2 strike a balance between fantasy (wat is desired) and reality (wat is proportionate). My Sedisjourn believes, being 26, requires me 2 handle things more wisely n maturely, taking into consideration every aspect from all angles. N try 2 view things thoroughly. I’ve climbed another ladder of age, n such requires a higher level of objectivity n wisdom.

Hail Zokhri da 26th …


Ngeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee –grins-


XXX

TRUE FRIENDS: BETWEEN REALITY & FANTASY

PREFACE:
May I begin by reiterating (again n again) wat my great Professor Panoyatis Tsakaloyannis has taught me. He reminds me in dis world, “dere r no permanent friends neither permanent enemies. Its only permanent interests.”


4 da past 365 days, I used 2 believe dat frens r 4ever. True friends do exist n willing 2 sacrifice themselves (or their interests 2 b more practical) 4 me. Or even having family members will stand by me, no matter wat happens, they will always give their limitless support on whatever path we choose in life. I used 2 believe in those especially da former.


But reality has taught me otherwise. Frens cum n go s quick s da clock tickles. I used 2 av gud frens in high school, in college or even in my Manchester days, but not all b da case now. I’ve been wondering how n why, but dats da nature evolves around us, human. Ppl seem 2 av their own direction n frequent been swayed by their direction without looking back where they start. They…Juz…Disappear. But surely, beautiful memories remain.


N im slowly adapting 2 it. Treating new mates as they r, putting aside it will last long. N I know dere is no use 2 keep on believing in true frenship as it is juz a myth phrase 2 me. I did av true frenship n best frens but I guess its over now, living da current into a more of partnership basis.


N im not regretting it.


Perhaps dis is da normal phase dat every1 has 2 go to. Being an adult (well I hate 2 say dis, 2 b honest (^_^) will urge u 2 prioritise, n putting ur goals as da driving force in ur life. 2 certain extents, it is a wise strategy 2 leave sum1 if s/he is a distraction 2 us. Or even da existence of him/her brings no gud 2 ourselves but merely as a burden, Theory X says u shud make a move departing from dis individual(s).


Shud dis serve as a theory, clearly dere ought 2 b further scrutinisation of da details. Wat kind of distractions r we talking ere? Wat circumstance mite we justify as a burden 2 us? I admit, distractions and burdens cud be very subjective n has 2 b merited according 2 case by case basis. But suffice 2 say, if one is dreading u away from ur goals n aspiration in life, wudnt dat be in itself concrete to stand as a distraction.


Moving on, burden will always exist n cycles our life. It depends on how u deal with it n overcome it. Frens can be burdensome in number of ways n not all burden amount 2 a dismissal of sum1 in our life. In other words, burdensome can be seen in a +’ve way n da other way round. To sacrifice our time n wealth over a fren is not a burden. It is indeed, an honour. An honour 4 having da opportunity 2 serve sum1 special 2 us. N these aren’t ordinary ppl in our life. They r da selected ones. Hence 2 spend a moment wif a fren, despite 24/7 hectic schedule is not a problem 2 me.


But if our intentions n actions are being construed wrongly, or being utilised 2 his/her personal motives, burden began to emerge. In short, 2 let ourselves be abused by others is vividly be seen as a burden. A sacrifice dat is not worth 4. A meaningless effort dat will only bring u down (slowly n gradually). And 4 all these reasons, it has 2 stop.


On a different angle, frens can easily leave us n turn 2 be an enemy. Dats y I’ve inserted my great prof’s sayings in da beginning of dis entry. If da readers r smart 2 to interpret, it implies dat frens can find their ways turning into enemies and vice versa. S/he is a fren 4 2day, but 2moro will cum without an assurance s/he remains da same. Consider dis @ a bigger scenario (if dis analogy seems 2 b rite 4 all). Afghanistan n Iraq used 2 b US ‘gud’ allies in da past. Da former has been a ‘gud fren’ 2 da US during da cold war battling against Communism. The Bush Sr. Government has in fact given wide range of assistance be with military n monetary 2 da Mujahideen 2 cease Communism from spreading into da minds of Asia. Saddam Hussein, for once, had established gud rapport also wif Bush Sr. government in order 2 combat Iran, since da radical Iranian Revolution took place.


But wud sumone willing 2 share wat has happened now?

Where did da US stand in 2001 against Afghanistan?

Wat did da Bush Administration do 2 Iraq in 2004?

N I bet none of da US officials cud make us understand s 2 Y such negative reversal happened.


Flying back into da country, the Malaysians will never 4get how ‘perfect’ Tun M n da former Anwar Ibrahim (whom is famously known as DSAI). They av been gud buddies in politics, supporting each other till early 1990s. Tun M even clearly projected dat DSAI will inherit his place as da PM soon after he retires. DSAI on da other hand, had publicly declare dat Tun M is (now was) his brother, a mentor, a fren, n bla bla bla. But 1998 appeared, resulting da world 2 spin 180 degrees (sum sed if its change 360, it will bring us back 2 da original standpoint – hence no difference), inviting imminent shock 2 da locals n foreigners. Tun M even put DSAI in prison s a matter of fact.


Clearly, where r da logics?


Hence while it is true dat true frens exist in a fantasy world of mine, it doesn’t b da case in da reality. Some of my frens have even regarded me as an enemy due 2 certain unavoidable fallacies in our frenship. Wat else can I do, apart from witnessing da change of his/her heart n accepting fates dat has happened. I will try 2 save da frenship, but upon reaching some points, I av 2 back off n move on. I cant ask 4 sumting dat has already not belonging 2 me.


At least, GOODBYEs on a very exceptional occurrence tend 2 b a gud ending (if u look @ a bigger picture)


Sumtimes I wonder; how many frens will be left till my last days on earth? How many remaining 2 send me their prayers on my final departure? Fantasy wise – I want all of my frens since childhood 2 attend my funerals n sending their thots n prayers 4 me. Realistically – its not 4 me 2 decide, but I will try my best 2 av more n more mates who will usher me 2 da end of my my days.


SUMMARY:
I have learnt dat ppl change and sumtimes da change is resulting in loosing sumting. I cant stop dat evolution 2 happen as it is beyond my limited capabilities 2 interfere. I witness these changes wif an open heart (as open as possible) while allowing more ppl, frens n mates 2 join a small, little world of mine. My life is short, and it wudnt be worth spending on sumting or sumone whom I not belonged to. Surely, when one door closes, another opens. At least a window juz 2 pass through. Frenships do offer stormy weathers but they also do av sunny days 2. So why bother at da stormy n cloudy moments whereas u have plenty of sunny days 2 smile?



DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
THIS PERSONAL RAMBLING TENDS TO BE GENERAL AND STRICTLY INAPPLICABLE TO ALL CASES. I DO AV FRENS N MATES NOW N I JUZ WANT EM 2 KNOW I CHERISH UR VERY PRESENCE AND APPRECIATE DA GIFT LORD HAS SENT TO ME.

More on Sedisjourn

AFTER SEVEN HOURS …

Dis entry perhaps serves as an official –slash- press declaration (giggles) why on earth I decided 2 b aparted from family n frens on my birthday. I am 99.99% convinced dat none of u truly understand why I’m bringing myself away from ppl on my birthday. “Isn’t your birthday should be commemorated wif da lovely ones n special ones? (if dere’s any … n we r talking a big IF) lol. N da most absurd one I ever heard, “R u so depressed n despair wif ppl, leading u 2 run away from us on ur special day?


Hell No … but I do admit, @ times, we need 2 b alone n have time 4 ourselves. Whatever ur assumptions are based on, let da strory begins k.


We sumtimes take things 4 granted. We never appreciate sumting until n unless dat sumting is gone rite b4 our eyes. We dunno (n often than not ignoring 2 know) 2 live dat sumting until u’ve been asked 2 leave it. N dat sumting is called L-I-F-E.


I admit, I’ve seriously been considering my life all dis while. I’ve been thinking n wondering bout my life in da past, current, as well as wat 2 happen next. Still, I think, its not sufficient n a few things r lacking. Dere is sumting missing in my life. Sumting dat I’m yet 2 have while im desiring much 2 av it. My nites are filled wif loneliness thinking of da non-possession of it n my morning r spent 2 strategise things n arrangements on how 2 av a more quality n meaningful life.


N dis is wat I want for my birthday. My 26th anniversary of my existence on earth.


A moment 2 reflect on my life.

To reflect wat av I done n achieved so far.

To reflect wat av I acquired in my life.

To reflect wat will I have in da future n how 2 av em?

Wat will be my goal 4 da next 4 years. ( I hope I dun av 2 explain how significant my age in 4 yrs time) –hihi-

What will I be in da next few years? (certainly Que Sera2 advice isn’t dat suitable 2 b applied ere) lol

R my aspirations in life still remaining da same or has it modified in certain ways?

N specifically, wat lesson av I gained 4 da past 365 days so I wont make my next 365 days worst than before.
( n 26th birthday marks its remarkable day in da history considering a quarter of century has passed in my life )


Too many tasks 4 juz a 4-day-3-nite escapade.


N 2 b honest, none of da ? yet 2 b approached, since I’ve been truly, madly, deeply besotted by da beauty of da island. Even da wind blows will give u indescribable serendipity by juz closing ur eyes n breathe.


N dis is sumting worth 2 do; 2 enjoy da cool fresh air, doing nothing – not even 2 think. Clearly dis moment wont b regretted n probably one of da best things I’ve done in my life.


I gonna dive 2moro. A bit scared but extremely excited.


1910 – May 3rd 2009 – watching da sun sets horizontally across da ocean, turning da sea into a golden shimmering lights, dazzling da eyes who appreciate.


I feel serene …


FOOTNOTE:
Dis is so absurd n not sooooooooooooo important but I cant help from eyeing n scanning ppl around ere (at da beach) – giggles – naughty Zokhri !!!

On the way to Sedisjourn*

My 1st Sedisjourn* took place in Redang Island, Terengganu. Many reasons were considered prior choosing dis place. I want 2 b away from da cliché or lifestyle stereotype as a city boy (or we call ourselves da ‘KLites’) LOL. Second, its one of my dreams (b4 I shut me eyes leaving dis mortal earth) 2 go diving n snorkelling. N I can say da latter has met its success as, (4 da first time in my life) I saw Nemo 4 real. I swear I saw Nemo (n his other kinds wif different colours n size). All praise 2 Lord Almighty.


Allow me 2 share da beginning of my journey. Da starter if u like. I departed from Kuala Merang Jetty 2 Redang via a speedboat (taklah laju mana pung) lasting 4 an hour. Truly it was an experience as I’ve never done dis b4. Mum will kill me if she happens 2 know dis. I swear. N 2 b honest, lil scare seems 2 resurface @ da preliminary. Wat will happen if da boat sinks? Wat will we (as far as da other passengers r concerned) do if da storm strikes? Bearing in mind, my laptop n my dearly loved baby I-Phone are in my suitcase. N I can tell u, dis will be da most nitemaric birthday ever if I lost my I-phone. Thank God they were n still in gud ends. Or worst, wat will happen if we were robbed n arsoned by sea pirates?


God forbids em, n Im now safe (returning 2 da world of reality)


N dat doesn’t seem 2 end. I was thinking of Sharks (ya ya u can laugh @ me now) but in a different way. As I saw da water splashes into tiny lil bubbles ( as da boat sails through) da flashback of marine life came 2 cross me mind. In an animal kingdom, (regardless on da land, or underneath da deep blue sea or up above the sky) dere always be a notion of prey n victim (or we used 2 call it as mangsa and pemangsa in our Human n Nature studies in primary). A shark for instance has 2 kill a creature in order 2 satiate herself from hunger, n above all 2 sustain its living. Same goes 2 all carnivores of all animal kingdom exist on God’s land. They have 2 sacrifice their victim in order 2 av food.


Fair enuff.

But wat I cudnt figure, why we (human whom Lord has granted wisdom n virtues) imitate da behaviour of those animals 2 our fellow mankind? Why do we (as human) willing 2 take da life of our own brothers and sisters? Do we need their blood 2 live? Do we need their flesh 2 stay away from hunger? Above all, do we need their life in order 2 make us alive? Then why r we doing dis?


My mind sifted through da wars existed in mankind history. da disastrous World Wars, Genocide in Rwanda between the Hutus and Tutsis, da ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, Bosnia-Herzegovina, The Holocaust, Shabra and Shatilla Massacres , 9/11, Iraq, n u name it u get it.


Why do we purposely –slash- innocently do dat?


Why are we doing da same thing as animals do while we av minds n hearts 2 keep wif ? A mind 2 think n a heart 2 feel.


Do the impostors, so called freedom fighters, state warriors, self-condone statesmen, have da legitimacy from God 2 carry out da killings?
Or r we simply (being a commoner) legitimise em 2 do dat?


Simple Qs but yet hard to answer.


Sumtimes I dun understand being human. Lord indeed has blessed us wif many of his givings, yet we failed 2 use it wisely. We failed in creating our life meaningful. We fail 2 create dis planet earth, a safe place 2 stay. Despite of many things we get, dere r so many dat we spare. @ times, da more intelligent humans can be, da more stupid n fool decisions n executions we’ve made.


Y o human I’m asking Y.

N dis Sedisjourn is all about. 2 discover me being human. 2 identify more of my abilities being human n how 2 channel it wisely. 2 highlight all (if possible) of my strengths n also my weaknesses. So dat, I will live my life fully n make use every single lil second God has permitted me 2 breathe. Feel anxious not, I’ll tell u more bout my Sedisjourn in da next entry. Or else, dis entry will be dragged into da longest entry ever in Asignofthecreator.


Thank you Lord, 4 making me 26.


1117 – on da boat 2 my destination – on a deep blue sea, where all beauty of its creatures r yet 2 b discovered. xxx



* Sedisjourn is an acronym (as suggested by my AEI colleague; AMirul) which stands for “Self-Discovery Journey”. It has meaningfully taken place from da eve of May 3rd (my buzzday) till May 7th.

BETWEEN A STRANGER AND A FRIEND

COUNTING THE DAYS TO BE 26TH ...


Between a stranger and a friend

I was trapped whom both I could not refrain

I was lost nowhere to go to

Neither a clue to whom shall I turn to

From the very first presence seems to be a troublesome

My recklessness invites more dilemmas to come

Irony emerges to be true

Oddness, betrayal and complications seem to pursue

How am I getting close to a stranger?

Departing away from a friend, farther and farther

Who am I to this lonely stranger?

Where is the value of consolidation to an anger friend?

Why a friend is is pushing me away?

Whilst a stranger is accepting in all sorts of ways

Why could a friend refuse to be a friend?

Whilst a stranger survives with a lil’ passion

A passion to listen

Which I hunger from a dearly dear friend

I wish I could run

But the guilt will always hunt

I wish I could fly

But my feet are chained I couldn’t raise high

What am I supposed to do?

To satisfy between the two

Prejudice, illness, abhorrence find way to succeed

Eliminating faith, hope, and love to meet

Between a stranger and a friend

Lies a mystery, a vacuum far beyond explanation

Not even a light in this dark, hollow situation

I stand to breathe

The room is so cold and freezing

I choke of suffering

I helplessly shackled and dying

Still I wonder

Could there be a way out?

"I wish to be free” I scream, yell and shout

Persistently I ask

When could be the end?

I am weakening, suffocating, and consistently hurting in the game of fame between a stranger and a friend.

Freeman I am ...

1606 28 April 2009

cluttered, confused but I guess Im half way through. I've made sumtinge huge dis afternoon, and even in 10 years to come, I doubt I would have da same courage as wat I've done 2day. I will probably be proud to myself, taking da steps to solve it (although I doubt it has solved totally). within blinks of eyes, I hit da place n burst everything out. true, i dunno whether i can do dis again in my near future. if u ask me how did i do it, i seriously have no idea. I'll tell u soon i've catched my breath.

dats it. da conclusion has been made, da resolution has been drawn. da implementation is sumting we both (him and I) yet to see,but a free man I am now, leaving behind all this s***ty things in my life.


I WANT TO LIVE ...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES AND WISHING U THE BEST OF UR ENDEAVOURS...IM SORRY PERHAPS I CAN ONLY ACCOMPANY UP 2 DIS POINT, N IM SENDING MY BLESSINGS AND PRAYERS AWAY 2 GUIDE U.



XXX ME XXX

F is for F.A.I.T.H.

Have u ever been into a destructive state where all of ur views became vanished n all u see is a black out?

Have u ever felt dat within blinks of eyes, da world suddenly turns its back 2 u, making u nobody n no one 2 turn 2?

Have u ever been into such melancholic feelings, once u’ve learnt da one surrounds u, changing 360 degrees, stabbing u from behind, making u as a contagious rubbish mortal?

Da fact dat, I was and probably am @ da moment.

Friday comes bringing series of worriness as how my weekend wud be. I do anticipate da coming of weekend (everyone does, don’t we?) but my anticipation comes wif mixed emotions. N Im scared if I cant get dis through, spoiling da atmosphere of happiness n joy as planned by frens. I do, honestly look 4ward to all da arrangements made but i’m wondering whether these cud make things better n not worsen things up.

I know dis will happen. In fact it has already happened. My most-catastrophic nitemare (of da week) has became a reality dat swept away all of my hope, shattering into small pieces of dust, vanished and disappeared in da air. Da fact is – all of my personal ramblings n cries were known by many (INCLUDING DA SUBJECTED PERSON...crap crap crap). They seemed reacted adversely, making me into a foolish creature on earth. All of my sincerity n honesty were seen as rubbish, leaving me into a state of being betrayed, cheated and discarded. N I dunno whether I cud face em up dis weekend although chances 2 avoid r pretty small.

My fear doesn’t inflict my hatredness 2wards em. I (try 2) love em still and never hold any sort of grudges 2 my frens. I’ve learnt da power of forgiveness whereby it makes da forgiver feels da warmth of God’s love n blessings. By forgiving others, u’ll feel dat God has actually see you and send His blessings in all sorts of way. N i do 4give em, 4 everything has happened. I dunt want my lil’ heart to hold any vengeance and abhorrence 2 em no matter how ill they have regarded me. True, it doesn’t make me an angel by 4giving em, (I’m far much to deserve it ... I know) but i juz want to b free from all dis bad feelings towards them. Certainly, ditching em away from my life will never be an option. Not even da last result. O Lord, I love my frens n will never discard em away.

But forgiveness cant free my mind from da awful memories. I am juz an ordinary mortal who has feelings n me brain cant simply delete da tear drops of misery, n easily reminiscing wat they av done 2 me. Da past few days made me into a tug of war between forgiving people n 4getting da past. Da latter seems much tougher.

Surprisingly 2day, I’ve discovered da power of faith. Its simply undescribable. Its like da wind, U cant see it but U can feel. It has taught me dat I will make things better n everything seems 2 turn normal. A faith dat, for everything dat has f**ked up will fall accordingly on its place. A faith dat will lead us to a light of serendipity in da end of dis dead-end tunnel. A faith dat will crack a smile on our lips after days of sorrowness n pale-ness. I dunno how these are gonna work, neither in wat way all these will happen, but I have faith dat it will turn out (sumhow).

God will make things easy, if u ask it sincerely. Da angels will lend their hands in spreading love n tenderness, preventing da heat of hatredness whispered by da devils. As long as u desire sumting thotful, it will all come easy in da end.

N im glad 2 learn dis discovery, although I’m still sceptical n afraid as 2 wat will I encounter 2day, da next day, n da day after. But dere’s an encouraging voice dat hisses, “everything will b alrite. U juz need 2 av faith.” And I put my trust on dis voice. I trust God will help me, if I’m wishing sumting gud 4 me n da rest. He will never leave me alone. Meanwhile, I never stop hoping and praying.

No matter how hard dis will hit me in da next few hours, faith stands by me in facing dis through. Even though in da end, I cudnt make it, n my dreams will shatter n crack, faith will help me through ... I’m indeed scared to go through dis, but faith is walking with me, leaning against me and makes me chin-up, 2 face them, da troubles, da embarrassment, da humiliation, da pain n da limitless hurting. I dunno how will I face dis but I’ve no choice but 2 pursue it, bringing faith along with me.

I have faith in me ...

I have faith in you ...

I have faith in our friendship ...

I have faith in da future ... a brite future

Above all, I have faith in mending all da misunderstanding dat occurred n create a light of love n blessings in pursuing da frenship. N even da signs are still blur n cloudy, I will keep on hoping n praying.

ONLY HOPE: INSPIRED BY "A WALK TO REMEMBER"

There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write

over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars

Of your galaxy dancing and laughingand laughing again

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me of the plans that you havefor me over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny

I'm giving you all of me

I want your symphony

Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs

I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yours I pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope