Mid-Life Crisis

Survey:

Have u ever been into a situation called "MidLife Crisis (MLC)?"
YES/NO
If YES, kindly share ur views.
If NO, kindly ignore dis post, but remember, sooner or later, u will.


Do U know what is a MidLife Crisis?
If YES, OK
If NO, proceed below for description.


If u google it, 3 main results will appear. Nevertheless, I define MLC as a state in life where u r @ a crossroad, clueless on which direction u shud take. It normally happens when u've accomplished a huge mission in life (like graduate from univ, had enough wif existing job, your relationship is at the cliff hanging) or simply u dunno wat will u do wif ur life. As da name propagates, it strikes to middle-aged individuals (30-40 years of age). But due 2 sum exceptional circumstances, it mite happen earlier than u expected. Juz like in my case.


I know wat I want in life. I've imagined wat sort of lifestyle I desire in future. I've also imagined 2 spend my remaining years in a countryside house, surrounded by mountains n streams - fishing in da morning, cooking 4 lunch, gardening in d afternoon, n reading/writing till bed time (of course I av 2 beribadah a.k.a. worshipping God too since my past is full of sins =)


I want 2 b a writer who able 2 inspire d world. I want 2 b known bcuz of my aspiration n inspiration in making da world as a better place 2 live on. I want 2 av my own publication, TV programme production (like Oprah's Ellen Degeneres or like TED.com). If I av enuff money, I want 2 build a boarding skewl in any of da failed states, guiding children 2 change their life n escape from poverty. I want 2 build houses 4 da abandoned child, so dat they'll know, they arent alone in dis world without love n care.


But bcuz my dreams arent look alike da majority ones, I am stuck not knowing wat shud I do next. Wat I mean by majority ones like - I want 2 b a successful surgeon so once I graduated from med skewl, I'll go into practicing -or- I want 2 b rich, hence I gonna start me own business -or- I want 2 b top lawyer/engineer/lecturer...so dis is wat I will do. But I want 2 b more than dat. Beyond existing career n sumting more meaningful in (my) life. N da destination seems 2 b far n blur, making me stranded n not moving.


I juz completed my MA n now receiving few offers 4 my postgrad studies. I am in a state of considering each and everyone of em. Da thing is, despite I luv 2 explore knowledge n enjoy da privilleges being a student, da other reason is becuz I hate working n being employed. Shirooooooooooooo. So even though I dunno wat shall I do (4 sure), one thing I know (4 sure) is I dun want 2 b employed in corporate and practising world.


OK str8 2 d point, dis is wat I got so far:-

a) An offer 2 pursue my 2nd MA in Political Science (Social and Political Theory) at Central European University with full tuition fee waiver. Which means I've 2 work my ass 2 pay my bills still.

b) I'm applying 4 da same course in Korea wif full scholarship @ SNU and Yonsei.
Bonus - Maybe I be able 2 master 한국 (Korean) as my 4th language.
Sub-bonus - I've promised 2 my fav Kpop star dat I will wait 4 him, currently serving military training *wink*. Only then I can leave Korea in peace *winking again*

c) I can write 2 local unis in Malaysia stating my interest in joining academia. From da contacts been made, they r likely want me 2 join service n I can rest assured 2 my Doctorate course since it will be taken care of.
Bonus - I can see LSE, Kings, Bigben, Tower Bride, and Her Majesty The Queen welcoming me
Disadvantageous - Me arse will b bonded wif em for 7 years!!! N academia world in Malaysia is not dat healthy frankly speaking.


Hence now, Im stuck @ a cross-road, wif 3 directions. Each of em has its gud/bad side 2 offer. Da think is, none of dis directly leads me 2 my dreams. I am juz pursuing a realistic plan in life, being mid 30++ who doesnt av savings n specific commitments (like marriage). Unless miracles strikes, I am afraid I juz av 2 endure wif da ordinary planning. Meanwhile I can start 2 work on my 1st publication.


So if u were me, wat wud u do? 어떻가지?


"When U dont know what to do, get still. The answer will come." -Oprah-

F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S

I admit dat da last two entries arent good. They are so demotivating and frustrating. One of the feedbacks I received saying dat I am renowned 4 Melancholic expertise bcuz my life is full of misery n melancholy. And I dun deny such claims. I accept it, knowing dat it is exactly my life I'm portraying in Asignofthecreator. Asignofthecreator is created 2 allow d author 2 b true 2 himself n 2 loyal viewers. It holds no secret of d owner cuz he believes, dis is da least place he is not afraid being himself 2 d public.


Truth b told, after every drizzles, a mirage of 7 beautiful stripes will appear. And we call it Rainbow. Da past few days made me think n wonder, why is my life being so hard n tragic? (dat made me become a self-inaugurated Professor in Melancholic and Sadness Science) I posted an entry b4, since I am born all-wronged, I av no other options but 2 endure dis life as long as it lasts. I recite my birthday wishes/prayers everyday, but I guess God hasnt listened 2 it yet. Still nothing changed. Suddenly I remembered, a great fren of mine ( I cudnt reveal da name since I havent obtained her consent, but she's a hell gud writer) wrote sumting on one being fearless n how 2 pursue life with a less sense of being fear. I believe, dis is also parallel 2 wat Taylor Swift claims on da power of one being fearless in every possible avenue 2 b fear (especially in relationship)


To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS. (Taylor Swift, 2008)


N I partly agree wif dat, bearing in mind dat its easier sed than done!. While admitting dat having faith in luv is necessary, I view happiness in life comes from multi-angles n direction. N L.O.V.E. is one of em. N one's Happiness/Satisfaction is not defined by others surrounding you. Ur happiness is set on ur own needs n measurement. Thus being fearless 2 me is not only dedicated 4 luv, but how 2 gain happiness in life. So, after a sip of Topresso Americano n a deep breath, dis is wat I deliberate on one being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. in life.


Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is when we accepted da past n its grievances but wudnt carry da baggage into da future. It's da state of acknowledging dat human makes mistake in order 2 grow old naturally n never afraid 2 make one. Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is also not 2 count da chances u've forfeited in da pasts, but always allow 2 make a new start. Rather than calculating how many years u've busted, count on da years u have remaining 2 make it right. By being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S., u r not 2 worry if things dun go ur way because dere always be a slight chance 2 make it work. U r not sighing every morning u wake up saying 'its gonna b another hell' but remind urself dat everyday, u create ur own history (Vicky, 2009). It doesnt mean u've reached d end n accept ur defeat bcuz as long as u r living, u will never stop fighting. U will only rest when u r put 2 rest. No matter how many times u've fallen (off da track) U will raise and race. Above all, F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is an art of cherishing what is given, learning the mistakes, and moving on, making a step (or a big leap) under da name of faith. N faith is not 2 b thought, but 2 b lived!


ps
so wat do u think comparing Swift's version and mine? I know she writes longer and well established, but will I get some credentials for deliberating mine? *wink*

Can A Cure Be A Poison?

Sweet as it is, turning my days into a misery

HOPE it was meant to be, running through my heart killing me softly.

P.S.

And I want you to know, there's no moment in my life spent putting the blame on you. Instead 졍말 감사합니다.

A Prisoner's Cry

Can a cure be a poison?

How can an angel caused so much pain?

A soul-less prisoner I am

Shackled, suffocating being in vain

Can a strength be a weakness?

How can a saviour turns to be a killer?

I wish I could decipher

In the end still, I am a loser

U came, U conquered, U shined in the dark

U left, unknowingly leaving a mark

Why this could be happening?

Wondering how this could be true

No matter how far I ran

To the deepest ocean I went

It is still the smell of your scent

Once, U lead me the way

Turning me into a helpless prey

Your true heart will never be at guilty

Ironically as it be

My heart will never be happy

U gave me light which turns me blind

U gave me hope which sweeps my blissful behind

Why O Lord?

Why dear heart?

A stupid and foolish I am

Sipping a poison which once was a cure

To be in tears which once was a smile

As a saviour turns to be a killer

I've stopped running, falling, waiting to die.



- Another lonely night, cry a tearing heart -
- 0156 May 22nd 2010 -

The Notion of Jealousy

I unders10 wat it takes 2 b jealous. When sum1 has sumting dat u r craving 4, jealousy will grow in u. Dats natural 4 every homosapien. Erkk ... I'm not sure whether animals av da same cuz I probably havent encounter any theory proving dat. Maybe yes cuz jealousy derives from da heart (a form of feeling) n not from da brain. And I been taught dat da only line between a human and non-human is dat humans av mind 2 think n non-humans dun. So, probably animals cud also (very low assumption) cud feel jealous. Maybe no becuz animals av a less interaction between themselves as humans do. Or less-complicated than wat we usually interact. Its either u r my enemy or our side dat kinda thing.


But human jealousy takes place in different forms, depending on circumstances. We say it cud b 4 da +'ve side and -'ve side. Whether its 4 a gud cause or supposed 4 da bad cause, @ times its intertwined wif da 2 dat makes me hard 2 unders10 da rite of a person 2 b jealous.


Recently, I happened 2 b involved in Facebook-status-war with an old fren. Well, he doesnt consider me as a fren, frankly speaking. D thing is, I only dropped few lines 2 his bf ( I assume so, cuz sumtimes their ups n downs r pretty difficult 2 b figured...told ya forbidden love is hardly @ peace) of concerns since its been a while we last talked. How long "a while" means, I dun dare 2 comment. N suddenly dis envious fren, launched his missiles 2 me out of my gud faith. OK I admit, da three of us involved in a not-so-real triangle relationship (cuz dere was never a time I felt love 2 any2 of em) n I sorted it out totally n moved on pursuing my happiness life meeting more ppl from other side of d globe. But I guess, dis isnt da case 4 him. Whether he is still b traumatised, haunted, hard 2 move on I dunno? Its like helloooowwww wats ur prob, pal?


So I played "scrabble", putting jealousy in da middle, n try 2 find a reason 2 feel dat based on da characters of J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. N dis is wat I got:


L - Love
Simple answer. I guess every1 knows. U'll envy when sum2 dat u luv is being wif sum1 n not U. As much as you want him/her 2 b wif U, dat much of jealousy dat u develop knowing him/her r with sum1. Da more dat u crave 4 his/her love, caring, smile n remembrance, da higher da jealousy metre rises.


E - insEcured
Relating 2 d 1st one, fearing u mite lose love, U'll feel insecured every single moment he's not being wif u, n it drives u nuts n worried. U wonder, has his/her feelings diminished 4 u bcuz s/he wif sum1 or calculating da possibilities dat u no longer significant in his/her life. In dat case, u r probably rite 2 b jealous.


S - low Self esteem
Insecurity caused likely by low-self esteem. Comparing urself n ur competitor, u mite think dat U r lacking of sumting dat da other side is gud @. Of course nobody is perfect. Wat u av mite not av in others n vice-versa. But bcuz love intervenes, dat makes u afraid of losing love n da loved ones while inferiority complex starts 2 put its devil hats...n seeing ur love is wif sum2 dat u think is much better than thou, u feel envy and makes u uneasy.


U - no trUst
Also, without wind n storms, everything meant 2 b a disaster. n dat i mean becuz u lack of/dun have trust in ur relationship. Ever heard Savage Garden's Affirmation dat "I believe trust is more important than monogamy"? It all balls down 2 faith n trust u put in da other half in ur relationship. Furthermore, dis is da core foundation in any relationship. Unless trust is not securely built from da start, ur relationship will never ending encounter conflicts n complications. Series of dramas mite only be justifications 4 ur jealousy, but it seems ur relationship is not stable n probably "right" from d very beginning. N I know dis 4 sure.


A - finding fAult
Ermm I guess dis is surprising niu. U feel jealous bcuz it never meant 2 b luv, but merely highlighting da mistakes of sum1 u 'allegedly' in love with. U want 2 make him/her realise dat s/he is not trustworthy n holds d blame w everything. U intend 2 prove ur so-called unquestionable sincerity n make him/her suffer. Clearly I dun want 2 pin-point anybody, but I guess one cud probably know him/herself better. Da one @ a disadvantageous side is da innocent party, who profusely been blamed 4 his misconducts-in-love under the name of ill-faith jealousy. N I feel sorry 2 those who belong 2 dis category, 4 frequently been blamed without a strong ground of justification. Worst, s/he has no 'alibi' 2 defend da accusation.


So dere u go. I juz got 5 causes of jealousy from 5 characters of L-E-S-U-A. Mind helping me into looking da remaining alphabets please? Calling for relationship experts 4 contribution.


Again,
I BELIEVE TRUST IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONOGAMY

WHAT I WISH FOR MY BIRTHDAYS

May 3rd passed not so long time ago. I received warmth (da important thing is decent) celebration by ppl surrounding me. Thank you and I thank God for sending em 2 me on my special day. Being a quarter of century ++, my frens been asking wat cud b da 소물 (gift) I wish 4 my birthday dis year. N I think dats pretty tough 2 answer, although @ d moment, I crave 4 many things. But birthday gifts shud b sumting different. Sumting I can have using my limited savings. Also, not an object dat listed under -wat-a-25++-year-old-chap-shud-have.


I need not a house, since I dunno where and when will be my next stop.
Not even a car cuz I hate driving (read:not dat I dunno hokay). Plus I dun av a permanent residence.
Financial Savings? Well, I spend wat I earn, thus I dun av savings. Also, I cant b sue whether I'll b exist till 2moro 2 withdraw my savings.
Marriage? A Family? Sorry, I dun reckon both as objects, neither as my priorities @ da mo.


But last few days, I think I've found sumting dat I really want, n I will keep on asking 4 it, untill I finally av. N I've proclaimed dat dis shud b da same birthday present wishes 4 d next coming birthdays, as long as I live.


I wish/desire/dream/aim to have

A WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S PLAN AND GOD'S WAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEING ALIVE.


N now comes the whys:

1st, I always believe da existence of a superpower dat regulates da universe n da world order. He creates, He arranges, and He executes all His arrangements. I believe dat His Arrangements work best 4 us cuz He knows wats best 4 us, His created immortals. But dere r certain things dat I dun unders10 n find it hard 2 accept. Dat is not 2 say dat I hold any objection to Him, rather criticise Him, but I am profusely suffering in deciphering da meaning behind all da things He made 4. Upon reaching da deadlock, I end up hurting myself unknowingly.


I dun unders10 y natural disasters like earthquakes av 2 happen in a poor countries like Haiti, Indonesia neither 2004 Tsunami in Indonesia, Bangladesh, Sri Langka n its neighbouring vicinities? Arent dis ppl suffered enuff from their current conditions? Wats da need of punishing em more from wat they already bear?


I dun unders10 y He allows wars, genocide, massive massacres 2 happen. Clearly, its a bad will 4 human n juz making human civilisation 2 deteriorate. When the Bush admin was planning 2 attack Afghanistan and latter Iraq, I prayed n wished dat He will stop em from happening. But it didnt stop. N me heart torn into parts looking @ d helpless women n children, enduring da pain wif bloods n dust all over their bodies. Why cud He stop em?


I dun unders10 y is He making sum ppl life miserable while s/he is a gud servant @ da same time, giving extra luxury 2 ill-hearted persons. Ever wonder y suddenly a healthy lifestyle man who never smoke, drink suddenly knowing his life is coming 2 an end? Isnt it a man deserves wat he deserves n shud earn wat he is entitled 2 av. Arent u tired enuff listening ppl complaining 'Life Isnt Fair'? N reality often replies, 'because life will never be fair.'


Above all,


I dun unders10 y is He creating sum1 2 b all wrong, while dat person has no freedom 2 choose from d beginning. Wats da punishment 4 a baby 2 b born handicapped, born wif fatal disease which clearly s/he has nothing 2 do dat made him/her rendering da consequences. On a different perspective, if da gays n lesbians av a choice 2 b born as str8, normal n ordinary ppl, juz like da others do, Im sure we no longer av em. I'm sure they dun want 2 b born as they r in now cuz having a forbidden love on a forbidden r/ship will never b @ peace. But its juz dat they dun av da courage 2 make it rite, cuz making a decision seems 2 b easy, but choosing a rite one n to live through in a rite decision, in which, is not u after all will never be easy.


Dere r many things dat dun work out perfectly in my life. N I've struggling hard 2 meet its wisdom so dat I can lead my life in bliss, gaining da strength 2 "Let Go" and "Moving On." But dere's always 1 think dat I never b able 2 deal wif. Why is He creating me all wronged while I dun av da chance 2 choose in da beginning? Even if da past life truly exist, wat av I done wrong dat makes me suffering from such unbearable upbringing? @ 1st I take it as God wants me 2 b strong n able 2 find d light. Da truth is - I'm still trapped in da dark, n I find myself exhausting in finding da light. Frustration, Hurt, Despair, Misery, Loneliness ... u name it. I do know wat it means n actually feel wat it means.


I dun wish 2 b born like dis, n I'm suffocating being me, wat more 2 make things rite. Why r U doing dis 2 me, dear Lord?

Why it is me dat U choose?

And I want nothing from U, but to know why. So dat, I know how 2 move on, accepting my life if not make it better.



God
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things that I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference ...

TIME IS ALL I NEED ...

Today, my 1 month effort of dedication n determination is evaluated. Not to my surprise, it didn't turn out well =). Da reason I can smile still is because I accepted it with an open heart (after one BigMac Happy Meal course few hours after da evaluation been released). Also, after a 'F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G' spell said by my special -slash- personal motivator b4 leaving da Academy. Although I pretty much cud guess da outcome of da evaluation, but open officially seeing it wif my own eyes, many thoughts came 2 my mind, dat sumhow made me questioning whether wat I am doing is rite.

Wait, 착가만요, of course I know it is rite. It's sumting dat I really wanted, n thank God, I av da opportunity n strength 2 do it. Surely, I shud b gr8ful 4 every single minute passed, counting all of God's mercy along da way. But wif such a low score dat I obtained, I cudnt lie by saying I'm happy regardless. U C, dere r few lil things I want 2 do in life (like learning Hangul for example) and bcuz its sumting dat I really wanting 2 do, I've put most of my effort ( I wudnt dare 2 say 2 da fullest bcuz I keep on saying dis is merely an educational vacation, not a serious study course ). 2 make dis thing successfully achieved, I've stayed back after class 2 revise da lessons (ok2 dere's another reason too n u know it), unembarassingly knocking on my 선생님 door asking 4 repeatition n clarification n etc. n partly da result impliedly telling, its not enuff!


정말요? Really?


Prior 2 da exam, my special motivator n I had a talk. ermm a pep-talk if u like. Its bcuz I c myself sailing wif no specific direction in studies. Bcuz da vocabs, grammar (owh da korean particles 박짐 r killing me) speaking skills all combusted @ a time, I lose focus. I dunno wat shud I emphasise on since I'm lacking of all em. But my personal motivator sed, take it easy Zokhri-sshi! As a beginner, we wont expect much that wat a beginner shud know. By knowing how 2 construct a simple sentence n read, dats already in itself an achievement. Believing wat he sed is reasonable, I faced da exam with enuff sleep and free from stress. After all, learning is fun.

We also reached 2 a point dat, ALL I NEED IS TIME! Dun set a specific (impossible) target, but juz enjoy da learning process as every language is all about discovering new things, engage wif it n apply it in daily life. N dere's no special formulae like how many hours a day shud u study or how many things shud u know by time, but juz sail it through n let it flows in ur heart n mind. In da end, dis is wat we call as learning by heart, n not for passing exams!

n 2day I felt da feeling back when I was 13, when getting my results 4 my 1st test in Arabic language. ( I got 40% and got 46% for Hangul ). I can still remember how nearly I was 2 give it up n juz focus on sumting I'm realy gud @ (English Language I think). Da same feeling strikes me now after being experiencing it 14 years ago. Da only difference is - @ least now I'm having Arabic as my 3rd language.
NOTE: Juz AVERAGE ok.. wif not-so-bad skills 2 read, 2 write n 2 communicate.
N when I recall all da sweat n tears of learning Arabic, I am convinced dat learning language is never gonna be easy!! ( I dun believe dat dere is a language in dis worl dat is easily 2 b learnt ). Its challenging, demanding but despite its everlasting reward, I'm doing it bcuz I want 2 do it. n da reason of wanting 2 do it is bcuz it's sumting dat I like.

So I think, I shudnt have a slight doubt whether wat I am doing now is going 2 turn out well. It will in da end!!! Plus I know dat Im not dat lazy n stup. Its juz dat God is testing me 2 ask, whether I am really determined 2 do dis. Da answer cud only be 2:

1) I'VE LOST MY DETERMINATION. n I will remain as a person within my confort zone, who satisfy by knowing his native language, English and Arabic.

2) I STILL HAVE THE DETERMINATION. n I will face dis failure as a stepping stone 4 a long term -slash- success satisfaction. I will identify my handicaps n try 2 improve it from time 2 time. No pressure. No stress. Just enjoyment & patience.



After all I gone through, (wif da 6 month planning n 7 years of being a 할류 Hallyu), do u think its a worthwhile 2 opt 4 da 2nd answer?

Indeed, FAILURE IS A DEFERRED SUCCESS !!!

주그리 씨, 바이팅 !!!!

I Wish I Could Decipher Ppl

Maybe dis entry relates with the 1 posted earlier. As previously mentioned, I received a warm acceptance by da ppl around me in Seoul. Whenever I go 2 skewl, my 선셍님 (teacher) will greet me wif her smile, my personal motivator will drop some conversation wif me, making me 2 look 4ward 4 da next schooling day. @ home, da house owner will say hi n ask 'how do u do 2day?' And because I dunno much how to elaborate, 긴자나요 (I'm just fine) is da only word I replied with a sincere smile.

I am surrounded by caring ppl n profusely feel b blessed 4 coming 2 Korea. And no words cud express how appreciate I am 2 av lived ere.

Recently, one of my frens, who has been staying in Korea for 5 years told me sumting wen we talked bout Korea and its ppl. While we established da fact dat Koreans r generally -emphasis added- caring n luving, @ times, they do dat bcuz of few reasons. U see, da world we r living now is full of motives n hidden agenda. U r obliged 2 do sumting (extraordinary) bcuz of a factor dat pushes u 2 do so. Clearly I'm not making dis as a thumb-rule 4 every1. But, we arent wrong either 2 make dis assumption as a precautionary note when dealing wif ppl. Just not 2 make urself hurt in da end, enw.

So we listed down few possible reasons, taking dis few ppl round me as samples of da experiment:

FIRST, business-customer relationship.
Because I'm legally a rentee of da apartment, n a stud @ my skewl, they owe a duty 2 make me satisfied wif da service they provided. Otherwise, I'll pack up n go.

SECOND, I am a foreigner.
Plus, having an effort 2 learn Korean language n culture on top of dat. So they feel appreciated because why-on-earth-sum1-wants-to-learn-Hangul-since-its-not-da-world-language-enw dat kinda thing.

THIRD, I'm naturally friendly (n talkative too - fellow Malaysians kindly read it as 'keypoh' hokay not 'gediks')
Despite my low proficiency in Hangul, I'm trying me best 2 accommodate ppl around me in 항국. This includes saying anything dat I know, s long s 2 make da sentence relevant 2 da conversation. However, da failure rate is much higher than its success.

FOURTH, quoting a friend, I'm delicate, fragile, gentle and soft, in which they feel sorry 2 me.
2 c me alone in dis big city wif no 1 to hold on to, no 1 2 rely on, making em feel symptahised. And I know, ppl never regard me as physically strong n tough due 2 my natural personality which suggests otherwise.

N dis strikes me str8 2 da face. I am fully aware of my personality n conditions ere in Korea, but I never meant em 2 b da causes 3 ppl 2 sympathise me. 4give me, a snobbish arrogant lad I m not, but I dun need ppl's sympathy. If u want 2 sympathise ppl, go n look urself 2 da 3rd world countries n da failure states. Look, @ their children n women. They r da 1 who need our concerns. Not a delicate soft personality like me who stands on his own feet facing wat we call L-I-F-E.

When dis thot circling my mind, it urges me 2 av a face 2 face talk asking - Y u been so nice 2 me? Izzit bcuz u think I'm ........................ . I wish I cud av da 6th sense 2 unders10 their feelings n motives. Not becuz I doubt em, not even 2 depreciate their concerns, but I juz dun want ppl 2 feel sorry 4 me. Becuz of a simple reason - I dunt feel sorry 2 myself.

On a different picture, I m also subjected 2 ppl hatredness. While dis is a minority scenario (n I cudnt b bothered but I wish 2 know - wat av I done dat makes u hate me so much? Wat sins av I committed dat u think I'm da worst ever creature living on dis world?

Either 4 luving me or hating me, I know its all 4 a reason(s). 4 every smile, concern, n ur anger eyes, I need 2 know da reasons. 4 every complexity n mystery of ur heart n its feelings, I wish 2 know da explanation. Isnt everything dat happened, happens 4 a reason? N my solitude lil wish is da opportunity 2 unders10 em.

Cud dis b so demanding 4 me 2 ask for?

After all, da tranquility in life is based on wisdom dat created from discovering, learning, accepting, n embracing da reasons.

ZI
세울 Seoul 1/5/2010