THE PHILIPPINES, GOONG AND FREEDOM

When my classmates and I were discussing on Freedom and economic growth (in Global Civil Society), I cudnt help but feeling amazed 2 our frens in da Philippines, dat they r happy 2 maintain basic living condition (without rapid development) as long as their freedom is not being touched. Meaning, its OK 4 em (my fren sed, she cud b bias since she’s living in Metro Manila) 2 lead a simple sustainably life without taking away their freedom. Previous Marcos’ and current Arroyo’s style of governing cud serve as examples, she justifies.



While dis discourse was a coincidence 2 my self-deliberation in post-Goong period, nevertheless, it gives me a moment 2 lay back n ponder bout freedom. Those who haven’t seen (n I encourage u 2 do dat) Goong is a Korean series, of a triangle relationship between a princess and 2 princes. Although its still a stereotype being a Korean drama – dat triangle relationship, parents interference, n da 1st hero will always get his luv (no matter how nasty he behaved @ 1st) must conventionally exist, da point I reflected da most from dis movie is F.R.E.E.D.O.M. Lee Goon, da Crown Prince was forced 2 marry a commoner Chae Gyung, after been rejected by his gf. Throughout their marriage (though it never consummated) luv starts 2 blossom between these 2 souls (a prince and once a commoner). However many things they cudnt do/cherish juz becuz they belonged 2 da Royal Family n subjected 2 da old-fashioned (kuno) Royal laws. Their freedom to live as a happy loving couple is restrained due 2 their position n situation.



I must say, although I dun belong 2 any Royals or rich families alike, I can feel how does it being living under da commands of da elders in da family. Living wif parents who are rigid n religiously conservatived, makes me no difference than Shin Goon and Chae Gyung. Da only difference spot exist between my reality n theirs (as far as da drama is concerned), they r bond by traditional royal laws upheld by the palace while I am imposed wif a strict Islamic observation and practices by my parents. They have no means 2 say, 2 object, 2 express wat they want, 2 live life according 2 self-determination, n so do I.



And dat makes us miserable, turning our lives into extreme despair and despondency.



N dis has turned me into a (pro) freedom fighter; taking every chance it has 2 make me being free n independence. Even as 2 being regarded as da ‘black sheep’ of da family 4 being persistently resisting me parents, I av no other options but 2 believe in my freedom. It is never in my intention (honestly) 2 go against me parents, wat more 2 make em upset n disappointed, but it seems I av no other means 2 believe in wat I want, 2 get wat I wished 4. After all, dis is 4 me n my life n I dun want it 2 b determined n fixed by someone else.



It is subjective 2 quantify da price of being free. Da rooms 2 make decisions, da avenues 2 stick wif it n 2 execute it r simply priceless n cant be valued materially. Call me a Western individualistic who abandons communitarian values, or a modern urbanised selfish lad, but dis is da only territory dat I av 4 a living. @ da age of 27, I want my life 2 b determined by my own will, my aims 2 b desired by my own dreams, without taking orders from da others. Dats y, I believe, God gives u (each and everyone of us) a mind 2 think, a heart 2 feel so dat u may stand wif ur own feet, n sail ur life independently.



But dis is not understood by my beloved parents.



As I’ve endlessly been trying 2 explain 2 em, my effort met nothing but series of failures. N I cudnt do dis anymore. I’ve reached 2 a point dat, diplomacy fails 2 work n dat my patience is never be considered, yet, my self-belief must b pursued wif a strong determination, otherwise I’ll be trapped in dis dilemma 4eva. Sorry mum, Sorry dad. If I dun do dis 4 myself, I’ll b in forever regretting, blaming u n me for not wanting a change. N I dun want 2 do dat. I dun want 2 regard u as bad parents 4 disapproving my choice in life, neither I dun want 2 feel sorry in da end, growing up in a conservative old-fashioned family in which I had no chance 2 stand on my own, moving into my direction. After considering n hardly reflecting, I think dis is da best 4 u n me, although I know u will no longer support me n stand by me.



Da choice I’ve made is not easy, neither leading me 2 an easy life. Without you being my backbone, I feel half of my life is perished. Hollow. Im fully aware dat, without ur blessings n support, God will turn away from me. But as long as my love 2 u will never dilute, I know He will not punish me severely. And its becoz I luv u, (n I dun want 2 blame u), Im taking dis path, so dat I can appreciate da life u av given 2 me 27 years ago.



I pray n I hope dat 1 day U’ll understand me – as ur son who always want 2 b free. I’ll pray dat U’ll feel da pain 4 living under ur rulings, da misery 4 following ur dreams. Above all, I want u 2 know, my luv 4 u will always remain, n as 4 dat reason, I am taking dis chance 2 pursue my dreams.



Im juz an ordinary human who wishes 2 lead an ordinary n free life. I av nothing more 2 ask 4, but giving me my life n my freedom. Those r mine, n never can b others. Hence Im merely taking wat is mine n protecting/defending it (@ wat price it costs me). Still I am ur loving son n 4ever be. But 2 luv me 4 da ‘niu’ me, 2 accept me 4 wat I am n wat I believe in, its entirely up 2 u. In da end, I thank u 4 giving birth 2 me (n dere’s nothing in dis world or even in my next life I cud give 2 substitute wat U’ve given me) but,


I JUST WANT 2 BE BORN FREE !!!

ZI

Valentines Retreat 2010

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

BACK TO BASICS

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles

Charlie Chaplin (1889 – 1977)

SITUATION IDENTIFICATION:

Without showing any signs or symtpons, my Dell Inspiron 6000 has been pronounced dead. Chotto, no its not dead, yet, as it can still be switched on. Da thing is, nothing will appear on da screen despite been switched on for hours. After consulting da medics, da problem rooted to a hardware malfunction, which preventing images 2 appear although da system is running. Stranded in a rural Urasa, where English is hardly conversed and da cost of repairing amounting to ¾ of buying a new lappie, I decided 2 juz wait till I get a new 1. Definitely, I’m not getting 1 in Japan because da language setting is only in Jap which I cud unders10 any.

THINGS 2 PONDER:

Strangely, I don’t feel sad or utter loss upon knowing dis. Although I’m pretty much feel handicapped due 2 dis inconveniences, but I persuaded myself not 2 b carried away. True, living without a lappie (in Japan which da broadband speed is super duper fast) is a hard thing 4 me. U can take away my money n food (not my cookies, please!!) but not my lappie. Thinking of 5 years of gud memories n acquaintance, I thought, dis cud b da time 4 it 2 terminate da service n companionship.

On a deep thought, nothing wud last everlastingly. When God decides its no longer b urs, u’ll loose it, no matter @ wat cost. I’ve been taking a gud care of my lappie, n as I sed, without any preliminary signs, da screen juz goes blank. Its all God’s Will n as a weak mortal, who am I 2 stop dis from happening.

Nevertheless, I take dis as a training ground 4 me – 2 train myself 2 perceive dat everything dat I av is lent 2 me 4 a period of time n when da time comes, He shalt take it back. From da small thing of losing a penny, a big thing of losing my lappie 2 da largest one of losing my life. No matter how much I crave n desire 4 it 2 stays, it will soon leave me, when He asks to.

Maybe, I’ve been losing a lot all these while, dat makes me stable when losing a mere 21st century celebrated-invented machine, a laptop. I’ve been losing many ppl I love da most, individuals I adore a lot, many chances I forfeited, lots and lotsa money due 2 my recklessness, n dreams dat failed 2 meet its reality. I’ve been 2 da worst despair, saddest moment, extremely disturbed situation and comes dis situation, its juz a lil tiny thing compared 2 wat I’ve gone through. @ times, I was helplessly kneeling on da ground questioning – wat else U wanna take from me? Aren’t these not enough 4 U and for me?

But when faith comes 2 surround me, belief finds 2 console me, I managed 2 wipe out da tears n carefully whisper 2 myself. Perhaps God has another plan that I seemed not to understand. Sometimes in life, U juz had 2 believe after been endlessly discovering, u juz need 2 av faith despite back-to-back down turns in life. Honestly, I dun know whether faith n belief will turn out gud in da end, but if dat is da only strength left I av 2 hold on, juz 2 proceed another second of living, I will still grab it. Even knowing da day will come when God will take me away from dis temporary living, I hope n I will try 2 b calm n b stable 4 it. Everything dat runs in me, da blood, cells, organs are from Him n only belonged 2 Him. I am juzz a trustee 2 take care of these n 2 live happily. So holding 2 da fact dat they aren’t mine (as I dun own em permanently) who am I to stop da owner from taking back wat is His, no matter how much I needed em. I know dis sounds silly but – if I ever can buy my life 2 b permanently mine, I’ll pay 4 it @ whatever cost.

But sadly, dis is not wat we entitled 2 decide.

Hence now, I’m living my life back 2 da basics. No more FB 24/7, no more K-Pop during breakfast in da morning n no more Korean dramas b4 I go 2 bed, till I get a niu lappie *sigh*. But, Kamonnnn Zokhri, da great Rome was built without a computer. So do da pyramid, Titanic, da locomotive train, first car on earth, etc..etc.. n laptop wont feed u from ur hunger (although it feeds me spiritually). FOOD does! I will still b able 2 live comfortably n happily without dis 14 inch tool. After all, our early forefathers have shapped da world civilisation without da help of dis technology. And u av nothing 2 lose compared those who r incapable, handicapped, poor n starving all around ya.

Shudnt u b thankful, 4 those many gifts dat are surrounding u?

Or even on d day when I’ll belonged 2 da unfortunate events above-stated, I will hold both of my hands tight n say…

God Has Another Plan That I Seemed Not To Understand.

P/S: For unknown reason(s), I dunno why suddenly hot liquids rushing down from me eyes, streaming through my cheeks n landed on da paper Im writing on.

Thank you…for teaching me dis lappie. You’ll be greatly missed!

ZI

In loving, exciting and happening memory of My Dell Inspiron 6000 (2005 - 2010)

Welcoming February, The Month of Love