How I Wish ...(a monologue to meself)

Its 0200 hours in da morning ...

Have u ever faced da worst moment in life? In which U feel lost in ur way and find no road turning back? Or where, everything planned doesn't turn out as u wish? or even when u've been cheated, left mercilessly by someone u adore? or when u keep on dragging ur mind hopin' moracles to exist and change ur life ..but in the end, u'll stay da same?!

Deep inside my heart, I only have a dream. A dream for my whole entire life. Sadly, dreams are always dreams.. remain as dreams and forever be dream ...
Sometimes (or most of the time) I do question my destiny. Why I shud lead a horrible-melancholic-terifying life? Da world's being prejudiced to me. Why it all happened not the way I've always wanted? Why does it have to be hard for me to pursue my own dreams? If such dreams are impossible to achieve, why do they bug my mind all da time? Why I've been thinking about it from da start? Why??!! Kenapa??!! Mengapa??!! Qiu??!! LiMaza??!! ...

And when U feel da world has turned uts back on u or u cant be wat u want to, U simply lose the will to live..
How I wish someone takes a sniper and shoot me !! AARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

When I walked back home today, I saw a flock of sparrrows (looks like sparrows.. ya know Zack Idris is not familiar with such-english-birdies ere), I wish I cud be likke them. Flying here n dere, seeking foods n water everywhere, flying during da day, resting during da nite..With no complicated life and perplexing feelings,, (I wonder if dere's a gay-bird or lesbian-swan... LOL) Life to them is all about feeding urself and to live comfortably
and the best part is, when u die, dats da end of everything.. no resurrection, no judgment of actions (or wud dere be bird's heaven in da hereafter?)
How I wish I cud be like them.



I've made uncountable attempts to find strengths but they are all gone~disappeared~vanished. and I'm ere weakening and debilitating. Good Heavens, I was suicidal back then. But some little faith I've got remaining refrained me from doing anything exacerbating.

My days now are filled with an emptiness in the soul. I've done loads of stuffs, met buddies ere and dere but still, da hollow space in my heart n mind is sumting I feel..
*I smiled but its full of bitterness*
*I cried but dere's no tears*
*I laughed but its only fakes*
*I studied but nothing goes into me mind*
*I ate yet I dun feel full*
*I drank but the thirst is still dere*
How meaningless my life is ...................................

I wish I cud have da power to say "I had enough!!" and "Enough means enough!!". I want to run away..eschewing from da real life of mine..far away from the fuckin hectic third-largest-city-in-the-uk Manchester. Bringing nothing but only my free soul and mind.

Where to? (Ila aina??)

To an ostracised destination where there is a blissful peace..where the grass is carpetted in soft green, the high blue sky with birds (no more sparrows, please!! hehe) flying up high, a brinking river on my side where fishes swim endlessly, fresh delicious air to breath on ............a splendid relaxing ambience every single moment.
* No more studies, no more fuckin journals and articles, no sickening law books...plus... no more cookings on Fridays....*huhu

And all I want is just being A-L-O-N-E ..... and "untouched" (whoaaaaaaaaa)
pausing dere~Jap!!!!
but I think it wud be better if someone cud join me along..

My solace ... My ilia (n I shall be waiting for u till u appear in ma life)

and as for dat, I'll be keeping our "fantasy garden" in my mind, sealed tightly and locked firmly till da day comes..

God, Zack is already completely bizarrely, eccentrically, ludicrously, peculiarly, freakishly, grtesquely, idiotically, weirdly, insanely out-of-his-reasonable-mind now (wat else, U name it)

and now, I feel slightly better..

I raise my hands thanking God wat He bestows on me. Yet, I've got voices to speak, hands to write n feet to walk n a country to live in.

Plus...
Dis Friday, I'll be having a date aka pertemuan social wif sumbody.. (^_^). n I got 2 b perfect n superb (remember da C & C formulae, guys??!) n of chos, I cant let dis person feel dat I dun enjoy going out together.. (u know who u are)
Now...
this troubles me much... wat shud i put on dat evening? My housemates cud already aware dat I cud be finicky when it comes to dressing and setting my hair up... (ahakzzzz) tul tak Lan?

Hope tomorrow will be a blooming day for me.. a brand niu day 4 Zack Idris. After all, Shuji Okishima told me dat "no matter wat kind of life one has, one has da strength to be happy in one's BEAUTIFUL LIFE".. (arigato shuji-san)

See?????!! Zack Idris has been successfully "tarbiyyah"-ed by Japanese Movies these days and da worst thing is dat, he'll be consistently "istiqamah" in da path of viewing more films of dis kind.. huhu


-Wot da Heck-

PICS CAPTION ----> mY lOnELy JoUrNeYs of LifE, mY eMptIneSs SouL n mY HolLow paRt

oF My HeArT ...

(xde keje mode) sigh