An enduring wait ...

Its da eleventh day of Eid

I dun think dat my late entry post is bcuz of Eid. Not either becuz of skewl break (obviously laaa kan) but its mainly because I've to roll up my sleeves with work and @ da same time; planning sumting huge 4 next year 2 happen

Please dun ask

Loads of me mates keep on telling me - it must be gud 2 b back home celebrating da festive season wif family n frens. Its gonna be da first celebration after four years abroad. A reasonable mind wud think its gonna be a blast. Yeah, including me. I cudn't lie 2 myself by saying 'i'm not looking 4 ward 2 eid' in Mesia. Infact, me was anxiously n wondrously waiting cuz it was da last hope i had 2 heal my relationship wif family ( u mite have known dat me n me family weren't in 'feel gud' state eversince I landed myself home.

n I am profusely teaching myself dat "things were far better when I was away" Again, I'm not blaming, either not whining but I just realising and experiencing.

So, Eid aka Hari Raya means a lot 2 me. In it, lies my biggest dream - stays my remaining hope and carries my most meaningful mission i.e to patch things up wif da person(s) I love, da one(s) dat I care.

But 1st Syawal saw my dreams, hope and mission fallen apart.Shattered into small pieces of dust ... leaving me hopeless and stop thinking bout others (after learning they think less bout me)

Me dad scolded me just bcuz I didn't go 4 Eid prayers (da muslims shud know its not compulsory although wud be perfect shud one performs it) but its not dat I didn't want 2 go. I was extremely tired n exhausted due 2 a big turnover in my life - got up from bed @ 0600 just 2 get an early train 2 work. n da whole universe knows dat I'm not a morning person. even how much I tried.

So I was really 'shut down' dat day. My heads spins as I cud see da spinning stars circling infront of my eyes. n I never escape Eid prayers since da age of 13 till now.

But all I had was just a scold on da very blessful morning

WAT A BAD START !!!

Then later in da evening, everything just went wrong

My mum explicitly disagrees wif my plan next year. We quarelled (again) n da whole chaos invited my brother joining on my mum n started bombarding me ( sumhow I do feel dat he always look forward 2 da chance ... dere he goes )

N dat's not enough. Mum opened da discussion 2 my cousins and she definitely roasts my nuts for dinner dat evening.

IMAGINE - I was sitting alone in da middle - surrounded by mum, 2 brothers , 2 cousings justifying why I really wish to go back to da UK again (pursuing studies = working quite sumwhile)

DO U HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ASHAMED I WAS?

Why Mum has 2 involve my cousins since dis is just within family matters (n I know 4 da fact dat she rarely likes my cousins for various reasons) Watever da prob is, never n ever invite outsiders even we truly positive dat those outsiders were acting in gud faith who claimed he/she has no personal interest watsoeva

YEAH, U RE RITE!!!

HOW CAN THEY DO DIS TO ME?

On da 1st evening of Eid. Da moment I've been waiting for 4 bloody years..

which too me to think, starting from dat day:-

- 2 stop hoping

- 2 stop thinking bout others

- 2 realise dat Eid in da UK is fare more better than wif families @ ur home country

- 2 prove dat if I'm engaging sumting gud, God will always test me

- 2 be determined cuz I got to do@go wats da best 4 me

still, I cudnt hide da misery I had inside. Dis mite be da only Eid I had back home (who knows) n dis is da price I've got after years of waiting

but all in all,

I'll face all da obstacles wif strength n bravery cuz deeply I know - "DA REASON WHY ZOKHRI IDRIS STILL LIVING IS BECAUSE HE IS STILL FIGHTING"

Selamat Hari Raya to all.

XXX