LOVE WILL FIND THE WAY

I raise a white flag, admitting I did spend couple of times thinking bout love n relationship. N I’m not ashamed to admit it. Every single homo sapien, I believe, is not an exception from figuring his/her experience on the notion of love. The power of love, at times, is far beyond reasonableness, to certain points, excruciates the soul. Hence while it could be an everlasting crave 4 the lonely hearts, it also (at the same juncture) cud b very poisonous, enrapturing the logics of the minds.


I began 2 feel love since 15. Although (as u mite argue) high skewl love is sumtimes (or most of da time) fake, but dis was da very moment I’ve realised, 4 da 1st time in my life, I wanted to love sumbody so deeply n be loved by sumbody terribly. I din know how it happened, but it did happened (2 me) n I must say, truly, I was in love when a junior sent me pages n pages of letter confessing his feelings 2wards me. I can still vividly remember, it was during da 1st day I sat 4 my mock exam ( Paper BM penulisan okeh)


2 b honest, it doesn’t really matter 2 me, if they (others) say my love is crap, nothing but only a fool of mine, fake, superficial bla bla bla. U may call it whatever u want, but I dun give a s*** bout it. All I know, it must av been love n has threw me a moment where I flew 2 a sacred place, in a world where no one is around but only da two of us.


On the other hand, as I’m aging, climbing da ladder of maturity and wisdom, love appears n disappears in various ways n chronologies. I’ve reached 2 da state of being loved da most (feels like u r @ da top of da world), da state of betrayal (where the world seems not to matter @ all 2 me), been left n abandoned mercilessly. In short, I’ve been 2 all states of love n relationship. Tasted everything. Felt da sweetness n bitterness; its warmth n coldness. @ dis moment of writing (commemorating my 26th anniversary of my existence on mortal earth) I’m glad I’ve been through all phases in relationship. God has blessed me da strength 2 move on n above all, a wisdom 2 understand each phase I’ve gone through n 2 embrace da message each wants 2 convey.


DESPITE DA UPS AND DOWNS IN DIS KINDA LIFE EXPERIENCE, I DO NOT NEED A REASON 2 B ANGRY WIF GOD.


My Sedisjourn, as pointed earlier, had allocated a considerable amount of time 2 further think about dis i.e. love and relationship. 2 simply reflect da phases Zokhri Idris has gone through n wat will he prepare himself 4 da future n I still conclude dat dis is imperative important subject 2 reflect bout as my faith in love is still burning n shining (kemonnnnn …. Im juz 26… life is still young). I’m convinced dere r many hidden vacuums I’m yet 2 explore, urging 2 da openness of me mind n heart, their willingness n readiness 2 experience da notion of love. 2 b specific, dis r da preliminary Q I’ve considered while my Sedisjourn was taking place:

Taking into effect a quarter of century has passed, do I still believe in da existence of love?

Does my love/relationship orientation still valid/relevant? (u know mine is not like da others, rite?) =)

Am I (really) desperate looking 4 love?

How do I deal wif love within dis 3 year time? bearing in mind, I’m making a huge jump from da current undertaking 2 a new one a.k.a I’m embarking on a new chapter n such transition period must b dealt critically.


As explained above, my faith in love doesn’t diminish. Being heartbroken doesn’t put a stain in da notion of love (dat I believe in). Love is pure, sacred n a virtue in its way. My connotation of love (as u already know) is based on da provision laid down by 1 Corinthians 13:4; doesn’t changed n remained da same.


Hence, love holds no blame on my series of betrayals n loneliness. Perhaps I’ve met da wrong person, bringing 2gether a wrong interpretation of love. Dat person mite perceive love in a different way as I do, n dat wont affect a change of faith in me. I mite end up wif any wrong person again (in near future), but da search will 4ever continues untill I’ve met da one. Probably, dat person is juz out dere (surrounding me) waiting 4 me. Maybe, he is juz in front of me, but its juz not happened yet. Simply…yet…to…happen. N dat makes my life adventurous: adventuring n seeking 4 da one – sumting 2 look up every single minute da sun beginning 2 rise. I mite succeed n I mite fail but, isn’t it da journey dat makes life a worthwhile? 4 each n every discovery will enrich me, adding more colours and flavours 2 da existing dynamics I av encountered.


Does my love/relationship orientation still valid/relevant? Two words – WHY NOT !!! Does love take sides? Does it determine religion, race, ethnicity or even gender? Wif all due respect, I dun think so. We all r human n free 2 decide wat wud b da one dat we want. We r free 2 love n 2 b loved by any1 cuz love itself is universal, doesn’t belonged 2 particular sets, be wif race, religion or gender. Wat matters, is how u love sum1 dat u love, n I dun care wat ppl holds their perception on me n my love. Wats important is my feelings n da person I adore … nothing else matter but only both of us. “AS LONG AS I HAVE HIM, I DON’T NEED HEAVEN” – powerful, self sustained stand n sufficient in its construction.


Corinthian says love never things of herself. It bears up under everything, believes da best in all. Hence, I feel no need 2 extremely desire 4 love. Or 2 b a Mr. Desperado 4 love. Love is not a desperation n wudnt make one being desperate. It is only a complementary, serving da need of a human in his/her life. Making his/her life more meaningful n worthwhile. N I think dis cud b a perfect standpoint. I DO NEED LOVE. But im not desperate or dying 2 look 4 love. I will still be alive n b happy shud love is yet 2 appear. In fact, im happy being single – surrounded by da love of me familia n frens. Da love 4 my careers n passion, da love 4 knowledge n aspiration. I still av my life although its incomplete n I’ll b patient waiting 4 da moment 2 come. “LOVE WILL SHOW ME EVERYTHING. IT WILL COME TO ME IN ITS SECRET WAY. IT WILL FIND ME IN THE END, AND WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH ME.” N I feel sufficient.


Moving on, these couple of years wud b critical. I’m @ da verge of a transition, leaving my current undergoing n bout 2 embark on a new journey. Sum of u shud av known how determined I am in pursuing doctorate n wud b hardly 2 alter da plan (unless I ended up wif an offer from Al-Jazeera, any top british law firms or sumting of a kind) =) considering my Masters is coming 2 an end n Phd application wud last 4 months if not years, da next 12 month wuf b crucial in ensuring da accomplishment of da plan. Dis period must b closely monitored, requiring a high alert of focus n simply stay-on-track. I can’t be distracted or else dis whole thing will end up being useless. N I know, my immunity especially when it cums 2 love is considerably weak as my emotional instability, at times, cud b a serious prob 2 my attention. Honestly, I will b easily breakable when it cums 2 dis subject. N dis inference has been experimented few times n I’m not keen 2 indulge myself in any possible risk during dis transition.


Thus, as being reasonable, I shud welcome no feasible disturbance dat cud side-track my focus on dis direction. Although my close mates always argue, love and aspiration cud tango side by side, but I dun think it will work in my way. I’m simply not convinced on my very own capabilities 2 handle dis. So, wisely, I shud refrain from contacting da surface of dis prob 2 avoid greater harm n injury 2 myself.


All in all, I still believe da power of love into human being (especially my life). It is more forceful dat one cud ever imagined. It cud b my fault by embracing Shakespeare masterpiece a lot, but as more as I av discovered, I cant help but by believing in da existence of love n how love cud b a sign of destruction to human being.


“IF THE WORLD PERISHED N HE STAYS, HER SOUL WILL BE ALIVE; BUT IF HE IS ANNIHILATED AND HER SURROUNDING REMAINED, THE WORLD WILL TURN INTO A COMPLETE STRANGER.”


As my Sedisjourn concludes, love is a hunger of my soul, a thirst of my heart. Nevertheless, my reasonableness of mind has 2 strike a balance between fantasy (wat is desired) and reality (wat is proportionate). My Sedisjourn believes, being 26, requires me 2 handle things more wisely n maturely, taking into consideration every aspect from all angles. N try 2 view things thoroughly. I’ve climbed another ladder of age, n such requires a higher level of objectivity n wisdom.

Hail Zokhri da 26th …


Ngeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee –grins-


XXX

TRUE FRIENDS: BETWEEN REALITY & FANTASY

PREFACE:
May I begin by reiterating (again n again) wat my great Professor Panoyatis Tsakaloyannis has taught me. He reminds me in dis world, “dere r no permanent friends neither permanent enemies. Its only permanent interests.”


4 da past 365 days, I used 2 believe dat frens r 4ever. True friends do exist n willing 2 sacrifice themselves (or their interests 2 b more practical) 4 me. Or even having family members will stand by me, no matter wat happens, they will always give their limitless support on whatever path we choose in life. I used 2 believe in those especially da former.


But reality has taught me otherwise. Frens cum n go s quick s da clock tickles. I used 2 av gud frens in high school, in college or even in my Manchester days, but not all b da case now. I’ve been wondering how n why, but dats da nature evolves around us, human. Ppl seem 2 av their own direction n frequent been swayed by their direction without looking back where they start. They…Juz…Disappear. But surely, beautiful memories remain.


N im slowly adapting 2 it. Treating new mates as they r, putting aside it will last long. N I know dere is no use 2 keep on believing in true frenship as it is juz a myth phrase 2 me. I did av true frenship n best frens but I guess its over now, living da current into a more of partnership basis.


N im not regretting it.


Perhaps dis is da normal phase dat every1 has 2 go to. Being an adult (well I hate 2 say dis, 2 b honest (^_^) will urge u 2 prioritise, n putting ur goals as da driving force in ur life. 2 certain extents, it is a wise strategy 2 leave sum1 if s/he is a distraction 2 us. Or even da existence of him/her brings no gud 2 ourselves but merely as a burden, Theory X says u shud make a move departing from dis individual(s).


Shud dis serve as a theory, clearly dere ought 2 b further scrutinisation of da details. Wat kind of distractions r we talking ere? Wat circumstance mite we justify as a burden 2 us? I admit, distractions and burdens cud be very subjective n has 2 b merited according 2 case by case basis. But suffice 2 say, if one is dreading u away from ur goals n aspiration in life, wudnt dat be in itself concrete to stand as a distraction.


Moving on, burden will always exist n cycles our life. It depends on how u deal with it n overcome it. Frens can be burdensome in number of ways n not all burden amount 2 a dismissal of sum1 in our life. In other words, burdensome can be seen in a +’ve way n da other way round. To sacrifice our time n wealth over a fren is not a burden. It is indeed, an honour. An honour 4 having da opportunity 2 serve sum1 special 2 us. N these aren’t ordinary ppl in our life. They r da selected ones. Hence 2 spend a moment wif a fren, despite 24/7 hectic schedule is not a problem 2 me.


But if our intentions n actions are being construed wrongly, or being utilised 2 his/her personal motives, burden began to emerge. In short, 2 let ourselves be abused by others is vividly be seen as a burden. A sacrifice dat is not worth 4. A meaningless effort dat will only bring u down (slowly n gradually). And 4 all these reasons, it has 2 stop.


On a different angle, frens can easily leave us n turn 2 be an enemy. Dats y I’ve inserted my great prof’s sayings in da beginning of dis entry. If da readers r smart 2 to interpret, it implies dat frens can find their ways turning into enemies and vice versa. S/he is a fren 4 2day, but 2moro will cum without an assurance s/he remains da same. Consider dis @ a bigger scenario (if dis analogy seems 2 b rite 4 all). Afghanistan n Iraq used 2 b US ‘gud’ allies in da past. Da former has been a ‘gud fren’ 2 da US during da cold war battling against Communism. The Bush Sr. Government has in fact given wide range of assistance be with military n monetary 2 da Mujahideen 2 cease Communism from spreading into da minds of Asia. Saddam Hussein, for once, had established gud rapport also wif Bush Sr. government in order 2 combat Iran, since da radical Iranian Revolution took place.


But wud sumone willing 2 share wat has happened now?

Where did da US stand in 2001 against Afghanistan?

Wat did da Bush Administration do 2 Iraq in 2004?

N I bet none of da US officials cud make us understand s 2 Y such negative reversal happened.


Flying back into da country, the Malaysians will never 4get how ‘perfect’ Tun M n da former Anwar Ibrahim (whom is famously known as DSAI). They av been gud buddies in politics, supporting each other till early 1990s. Tun M even clearly projected dat DSAI will inherit his place as da PM soon after he retires. DSAI on da other hand, had publicly declare dat Tun M is (now was) his brother, a mentor, a fren, n bla bla bla. But 1998 appeared, resulting da world 2 spin 180 degrees (sum sed if its change 360, it will bring us back 2 da original standpoint – hence no difference), inviting imminent shock 2 da locals n foreigners. Tun M even put DSAI in prison s a matter of fact.


Clearly, where r da logics?


Hence while it is true dat true frens exist in a fantasy world of mine, it doesn’t b da case in da reality. Some of my frens have even regarded me as an enemy due 2 certain unavoidable fallacies in our frenship. Wat else can I do, apart from witnessing da change of his/her heart n accepting fates dat has happened. I will try 2 save da frenship, but upon reaching some points, I av 2 back off n move on. I cant ask 4 sumting dat has already not belonging 2 me.


At least, GOODBYEs on a very exceptional occurrence tend 2 b a gud ending (if u look @ a bigger picture)


Sumtimes I wonder; how many frens will be left till my last days on earth? How many remaining 2 send me their prayers on my final departure? Fantasy wise – I want all of my frens since childhood 2 attend my funerals n sending their thots n prayers 4 me. Realistically – its not 4 me 2 decide, but I will try my best 2 av more n more mates who will usher me 2 da end of my my days.


SUMMARY:
I have learnt dat ppl change and sumtimes da change is resulting in loosing sumting. I cant stop dat evolution 2 happen as it is beyond my limited capabilities 2 interfere. I witness these changes wif an open heart (as open as possible) while allowing more ppl, frens n mates 2 join a small, little world of mine. My life is short, and it wudnt be worth spending on sumting or sumone whom I not belonged to. Surely, when one door closes, another opens. At least a window juz 2 pass through. Frenships do offer stormy weathers but they also do av sunny days 2. So why bother at da stormy n cloudy moments whereas u have plenty of sunny days 2 smile?



DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
THIS PERSONAL RAMBLING TENDS TO BE GENERAL AND STRICTLY INAPPLICABLE TO ALL CASES. I DO AV FRENS N MATES NOW N I JUZ WANT EM 2 KNOW I CHERISH UR VERY PRESENCE AND APPRECIATE DA GIFT LORD HAS SENT TO ME.

More on Sedisjourn

AFTER SEVEN HOURS …

Dis entry perhaps serves as an official –slash- press declaration (giggles) why on earth I decided 2 b aparted from family n frens on my birthday. I am 99.99% convinced dat none of u truly understand why I’m bringing myself away from ppl on my birthday. “Isn’t your birthday should be commemorated wif da lovely ones n special ones? (if dere’s any … n we r talking a big IF) lol. N da most absurd one I ever heard, “R u so depressed n despair wif ppl, leading u 2 run away from us on ur special day?


Hell No … but I do admit, @ times, we need 2 b alone n have time 4 ourselves. Whatever ur assumptions are based on, let da strory begins k.


We sumtimes take things 4 granted. We never appreciate sumting until n unless dat sumting is gone rite b4 our eyes. We dunno (n often than not ignoring 2 know) 2 live dat sumting until u’ve been asked 2 leave it. N dat sumting is called L-I-F-E.


I admit, I’ve seriously been considering my life all dis while. I’ve been thinking n wondering bout my life in da past, current, as well as wat 2 happen next. Still, I think, its not sufficient n a few things r lacking. Dere is sumting missing in my life. Sumting dat I’m yet 2 have while im desiring much 2 av it. My nites are filled wif loneliness thinking of da non-possession of it n my morning r spent 2 strategise things n arrangements on how 2 av a more quality n meaningful life.


N dis is wat I want for my birthday. My 26th anniversary of my existence on earth.


A moment 2 reflect on my life.

To reflect wat av I done n achieved so far.

To reflect wat av I acquired in my life.

To reflect wat will I have in da future n how 2 av em?

Wat will be my goal 4 da next 4 years. ( I hope I dun av 2 explain how significant my age in 4 yrs time) –hihi-

What will I be in da next few years? (certainly Que Sera2 advice isn’t dat suitable 2 b applied ere) lol

R my aspirations in life still remaining da same or has it modified in certain ways?

N specifically, wat lesson av I gained 4 da past 365 days so I wont make my next 365 days worst than before.
( n 26th birthday marks its remarkable day in da history considering a quarter of century has passed in my life )


Too many tasks 4 juz a 4-day-3-nite escapade.


N 2 b honest, none of da ? yet 2 b approached, since I’ve been truly, madly, deeply besotted by da beauty of da island. Even da wind blows will give u indescribable serendipity by juz closing ur eyes n breathe.


N dis is sumting worth 2 do; 2 enjoy da cool fresh air, doing nothing – not even 2 think. Clearly dis moment wont b regretted n probably one of da best things I’ve done in my life.


I gonna dive 2moro. A bit scared but extremely excited.


1910 – May 3rd 2009 – watching da sun sets horizontally across da ocean, turning da sea into a golden shimmering lights, dazzling da eyes who appreciate.


I feel serene …


FOOTNOTE:
Dis is so absurd n not sooooooooooooo important but I cant help from eyeing n scanning ppl around ere (at da beach) – giggles – naughty Zokhri !!!

On the way to Sedisjourn*

My 1st Sedisjourn* took place in Redang Island, Terengganu. Many reasons were considered prior choosing dis place. I want 2 b away from da cliché or lifestyle stereotype as a city boy (or we call ourselves da ‘KLites’) LOL. Second, its one of my dreams (b4 I shut me eyes leaving dis mortal earth) 2 go diving n snorkelling. N I can say da latter has met its success as, (4 da first time in my life) I saw Nemo 4 real. I swear I saw Nemo (n his other kinds wif different colours n size). All praise 2 Lord Almighty.


Allow me 2 share da beginning of my journey. Da starter if u like. I departed from Kuala Merang Jetty 2 Redang via a speedboat (taklah laju mana pung) lasting 4 an hour. Truly it was an experience as I’ve never done dis b4. Mum will kill me if she happens 2 know dis. I swear. N 2 b honest, lil scare seems 2 resurface @ da preliminary. Wat will happen if da boat sinks? Wat will we (as far as da other passengers r concerned) do if da storm strikes? Bearing in mind, my laptop n my dearly loved baby I-Phone are in my suitcase. N I can tell u, dis will be da most nitemaric birthday ever if I lost my I-phone. Thank God they were n still in gud ends. Or worst, wat will happen if we were robbed n arsoned by sea pirates?


God forbids em, n Im now safe (returning 2 da world of reality)


N dat doesn’t seem 2 end. I was thinking of Sharks (ya ya u can laugh @ me now) but in a different way. As I saw da water splashes into tiny lil bubbles ( as da boat sails through) da flashback of marine life came 2 cross me mind. In an animal kingdom, (regardless on da land, or underneath da deep blue sea or up above the sky) dere always be a notion of prey n victim (or we used 2 call it as mangsa and pemangsa in our Human n Nature studies in primary). A shark for instance has 2 kill a creature in order 2 satiate herself from hunger, n above all 2 sustain its living. Same goes 2 all carnivores of all animal kingdom exist on God’s land. They have 2 sacrifice their victim in order 2 av food.


Fair enuff.

But wat I cudnt figure, why we (human whom Lord has granted wisdom n virtues) imitate da behaviour of those animals 2 our fellow mankind? Why do we (as human) willing 2 take da life of our own brothers and sisters? Do we need their blood 2 live? Do we need their flesh 2 stay away from hunger? Above all, do we need their life in order 2 make us alive? Then why r we doing dis?


My mind sifted through da wars existed in mankind history. da disastrous World Wars, Genocide in Rwanda between the Hutus and Tutsis, da ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, Bosnia-Herzegovina, The Holocaust, Shabra and Shatilla Massacres , 9/11, Iraq, n u name it u get it.


Why do we purposely –slash- innocently do dat?


Why are we doing da same thing as animals do while we av minds n hearts 2 keep wif ? A mind 2 think n a heart 2 feel.


Do the impostors, so called freedom fighters, state warriors, self-condone statesmen, have da legitimacy from God 2 carry out da killings?
Or r we simply (being a commoner) legitimise em 2 do dat?


Simple Qs but yet hard to answer.


Sumtimes I dun understand being human. Lord indeed has blessed us wif many of his givings, yet we failed 2 use it wisely. We failed in creating our life meaningful. We fail 2 create dis planet earth, a safe place 2 stay. Despite of many things we get, dere r so many dat we spare. @ times, da more intelligent humans can be, da more stupid n fool decisions n executions we’ve made.


Y o human I’m asking Y.

N dis Sedisjourn is all about. 2 discover me being human. 2 identify more of my abilities being human n how 2 channel it wisely. 2 highlight all (if possible) of my strengths n also my weaknesses. So dat, I will live my life fully n make use every single lil second God has permitted me 2 breathe. Feel anxious not, I’ll tell u more bout my Sedisjourn in da next entry. Or else, dis entry will be dragged into da longest entry ever in Asignofthecreator.


Thank you Lord, 4 making me 26.


1117 – on da boat 2 my destination – on a deep blue sea, where all beauty of its creatures r yet 2 b discovered. xxx



* Sedisjourn is an acronym (as suggested by my AEI colleague; AMirul) which stands for “Self-Discovery Journey”. It has meaningfully taken place from da eve of May 3rd (my buzzday) till May 7th.

BETWEEN A STRANGER AND A FRIEND

COUNTING THE DAYS TO BE 26TH ...


Between a stranger and a friend

I was trapped whom both I could not refrain

I was lost nowhere to go to

Neither a clue to whom shall I turn to

From the very first presence seems to be a troublesome

My recklessness invites more dilemmas to come

Irony emerges to be true

Oddness, betrayal and complications seem to pursue

How am I getting close to a stranger?

Departing away from a friend, farther and farther

Who am I to this lonely stranger?

Where is the value of consolidation to an anger friend?

Why a friend is is pushing me away?

Whilst a stranger is accepting in all sorts of ways

Why could a friend refuse to be a friend?

Whilst a stranger survives with a lil’ passion

A passion to listen

Which I hunger from a dearly dear friend

I wish I could run

But the guilt will always hunt

I wish I could fly

But my feet are chained I couldn’t raise high

What am I supposed to do?

To satisfy between the two

Prejudice, illness, abhorrence find way to succeed

Eliminating faith, hope, and love to meet

Between a stranger and a friend

Lies a mystery, a vacuum far beyond explanation

Not even a light in this dark, hollow situation

I stand to breathe

The room is so cold and freezing

I choke of suffering

I helplessly shackled and dying

Still I wonder

Could there be a way out?

"I wish to be free” I scream, yell and shout

Persistently I ask

When could be the end?

I am weakening, suffocating, and consistently hurting in the game of fame between a stranger and a friend.