Happiness and I.

Sometimes, (or most of da time), I’ve been wondering, y am I not being happy. Despite everything we’ve put efforts in, happiness seems 2 b far away. As a middle class average person, I av everything dat it takes 2 live well on earth. I’ve a family (although we only quarrel most of da time), qualification (although studying has its ups n downs), used 2 av a decent job (although I contest a lot wif my superior (^_^), circles of friends (whom less I can put my trust on), a bit of money (not many but suffice 2 live on without parents’ assistance) and many more. I am a perfect creation of The Almighty which enables me to function effectively as a human. But still I’m not happy. Why o why?

Truth be told, my solo trip 2 Nagaoka has changed my dimension of one being happy. 2 cut it short, couple of days ago, I, out of da blue, ran off 2 a city situated up-north of Urasa. Since I’ve got all commitments accomplished n having no appointments, Nagaoka suddenly trips my mind. Y not I juz run away from dis boring campus life 4 a day? A day of escapade wudn’t do any harm although many of me frens reluctantly 2 join in, since its in da middle of da week. @ 1^st, I was divided whether2 go or not 2 go. I dun understand Japanese (my fault 4 not learning hard) and if I get lost, I wud juz allow trouble 2 crash me. But my heart says, juz do it! U’ll never know wat will turn out, but da journey cud b a worthwhile experience. Besides, isn’t Lord is da best Caretaker n Protector of all?

MJ’s “Beat It” mode suddenly activated.

N 2 my expectation, it went well. I had a nice get-a-way, meeting wonderful ppl, sightseeing in da beautiful Japanese weather, leisuring in shopping malls n bookstore (did sum shopping too), n having a delicious Udon 4 lunch. N I did it alone. JUST.BY.MYSELF. I went wif a doubtful expression n came back (sound n well) wif satisfactory smile.

So wat dis has taught me?

First, of course I thank God. Because of His supervision n protection, I was free from any trouble n travelling complication. I feel, s long s I’m living under His created sun, walking on His Land, breathing His air, all of His Blessings will b wif me. I shud b rest assured dat He will b watching on me n comes wat may, His Will will prevent any dangers n harm 2 all of His loving mankind. I put my trust on Him n having dat in my mind, I feel sufficient.

Second, I dun need ppl around 2 b happy. I alone can b happy n make myself happy. @ 1^st, I was afraid if I cudnt enjoy my trip, having no companions 2 go with all alone in da city where communication cud b n issue. But da outcome has turned out upside down. I finally av a time 4 myself. A moment 2 treat myself sumting fancy after going through a hard week. Above all, wat I did simply means, I myself is responsible 4 my own happiness. Doesn’t matter if ppl aren’t around. They r juz da additional flavours 2 make my life more colourful n spicier. But by simply having me alone, I still cud lead my life perfectly. From now on, I will never put da accountability of others 2 make me happy. Having myself will do.

Third, loneliness is a form of beauty. By 1 being lonely, it frees him 4 any kinds of evils committed by mankind. Have u ever climbed 2 da roof-top, in da middle of da nite, lying down n witness da sparkling stars? Or da moment u wake up, wif a hot choc on ur palm, u enjoy da sunlight rising between da mountains, hearing da birds chirping melodiously? Lastly, av u ever walked down by da sea side, cherishing da redish skies upon sunsets? And all of these, I’ve done em alone. JUZ.BY.MESELF. U’ll feel da world has left behind u n da only thing dat u know, u r @ da top of everything - feeling zero worries n free. Da unification of one’s soul wif da Mother Nature is simply indescribable. A complete bliss.

Many of u already b told, dat life in IUJ offers a different perspective than wat I encountered. I am (still) in da middle of transformation n adjustment from enjoying an elite life of an urban city into a rural life dat has nothing, apart from da superb internet connection. Dun mention clubbing, cuz even da nearest cinema will take me 40 mins by train. I miss dat life (truly, madly n deeply I do). I’ve been raised up in an urban metro, studying in big cities n suddenly wind brings me 2 a valley surrounded by paddy fields n mountains. Wat on earth, da irony cud b? Still, I believe I can b happy ere. I can devote everything 2 myself ere. I begin 2 enjoy my life ere n start 2 miss dis place when I’m gone next year. Dis place, dis lifestyle, its memories will terribly be missed. I.JUZ.KNOW.

Once I’ve been whining on my lifeless imprisonment ere. Stuck in a 4 x 3 meter room, in da cold of da nite makes me dead or else a living zombie. N now I’m saying - I was in dat state b4 but no longer now n in da next few months, becuz I av found my life ere. Juz being in dis small 4 x 3 meter confinement. Wif da long hours @ nite, wif a hot chocolate n some cookies (and Haagen Daaz of course) under da duvet, I am flying 2 Korea by watching those series marathon-ly till early morning. I’ve been wishing 2 do dat since I was last addicted in 2006 graduation. And for 3 years, my commitments have deprived me from indulging back into it. But now, God gives it back 2 me. Heaven bliss. Those who aren’t Korean obsessions will completely be laughing how silly dis cud b. But try 2 watch 1, n u’ll know wat I say n feel. A recent released “You’re beautiful” starring Jang Geun Suk and Park Shin Hye wud b gud 2 start wif.

Sumtimes, I wish I cud b imprisoned (in real prison, I mean) (^_^) provided dat, they give me a lappie wif excellent connection, papers and pens. Those r juz da things dat I utterly needed in my life now. Those will keep my life moving n fulfilling.

So now, dere’s nothing else I want 2 do ere but 2 enjoy His blessings granted me 2 b ere. I know dis wont last long. @ a point, I will av 2 bid farewell, n off 2 da reality in which I belonged to. As much as I wanted 2 stay ere, those seem 2 b dreams n beautiful wishes. Hence from today on, I will wake up, telling meself dere’s a lot of things 2 do, many stuffs 2 c, wif lil time 2 have. And da clock is ticking second by second, reminding me how closed I am 2 my reality. Dis life ere, (in IUJ) certainly isn’t a fantasy, but far better than da reality I’m going through back home.

In da end, I realised happiness can b found everywhere. It exists in you. Embedded in ur soul, in ur mind. No matter where fate has brought u, dere’s always a room 2 b happy. N da room is spacious n borderless cuz da heart will never has its confinement. Happiness isn’t sumting 2 b sought, neither 2 b searched. It is to be felt n 2 b cherished wif. All u need 2 do is juz 2 close ur eyes n open up ur heart. It will find u. Eventually…

Because of dis, u dun need others 2 b happy. Simply having u is sufficient. Ppl cant give u happiness. They cud only b da reason(s). But above all, it is you who can make ur life happy. We r responsible 4 our own happiness n not 2 shoulder it on others. Shud u sail on a severe downturn in life, ask urself – “wat can I do 2 make me happy again?” In da end, da stormy weathers will pass, n after heavy rains, da sun will shine so brightly. Why bother 2 mourn all along in da rain, but not preparing 2 celebrate da coming sun, after da rain?

I always say 2 my frens “Be Happy. Life is Short.” And da truth is, my life in IUJ is even shorter than everything. I av bouquets of happiness, tranquility and bliss 2 explore but only 4 a short period of time. Its either I enjoy it now or it will b gone 4ever.

LIFE IS KICKING NOW, ZOKHRI. IT’S EITHER NOW OR NEVER.

P/S: Next mission, conquering Tokyo 6 – 8 October 2009.

Live well, be happy,

ZI

The Power of Dreams

Dis entry contains (18 PL): STRICTLY INTENDED FOR ADULTS WITH NEUTRAL MIND N HIGH LEVEL OF OPENMINDEDNESS. It may contain strong horror/terror, romantic scenes, religious aspects viewer may find objectionable. The author shall not be held responsible for the terrifying repugnance of the readers. U’VE BEEN WARNED!

I dunno wat cud b da cause. I’m having series of dreams l8ly (certain cases they turned into nitemares). Sumtimes, it dragged me all day long, thinking n analyzing da sign. But one thing I convincingly reckon – I must av had gud sleeps then. Da moment I woke up, my mind was completely clear and empty. Unlike when I’m dreaming back home, I can reach 2 da end point of my dreams ere, without any interruption or disturbance. Obviously, I dun blame me parents 4 without fail, banging my door everytime they leave for Fajr prayers. But still, I feel grumpy cause my dreams will b incomplete (n juz cut-off like dat). Its very depressing ya know, da moment when u reach da climax of da whole journey, suddenly da screen went blurry n within few secs I realised, Im back 2 reality, hearing my mum’s morning call 4 prayers. It’s like WTH mannn, apekah???)

I believe dreams av some sort of connectivity wif our life. If u really wish/crave 4 sumting, it has a chance to appear in your dreams. So be careful, and remember to think of da happiest thing b4 u go 2 bed. And I’ve got dis hypotheses proven too. Certainly in my case! Although it mite not work out all da time, but out of 10, I wud give 6 4 its likelihood 2 happen. OK, I know I wud be embarrassing meself 4 sharing dis. But its always be my habit, upon switching off da final lite in my room, I wud b imagining who will b waiting 4 me in bed. (Occay, once u’ve read dis, U’ve got 2 finish 2 da last sentence 2 get da context rite n accurate)

2^ND ALERT: The sentences following mite contain sum high level of intimacy n amorous romance which deemed not really suitable for underage. Under 18 mite read wif a supervision of an adult. An open-minded adult, I mean. Lol. WTF

Enw, da story shall continue.

So, when I had my lights switched off, I’ve started 2 mumble sumone’s name, imagining dat person on bed. (Too bad da names changed 4 every single day). I will av a monologue sumting like dis:

Me: (While stretching da duvet over my body) “Hows ur day today? Mine quite OK I think. I had dis n dat, I’ve done dis n dat, been here n dere” bla…bla…bla. (In details as if u r presenting a full report on ur whereabouts daily to sumone slash special) I wud firstly face to my leftside, imagining facing me bed-partner n mumbling bout my daily stuffs n da pressure I’ve been through. After dat, I wud say outloud, “X, I miss ya soo much. Bogoshipdaaaaaa. Wish u were ere.” Then I closed me eyes n inhales deeply. Within 10 secs, I wud prevalently lost consciousness.

And it works.

CASE 1 (Data sampling: AAA)

2 me, dis is da sweetest dream ever (OK it mite be da scariest 2 u). Its always be my (utmost) wish 2 b born wif a XX chromosome n 2 marry a charming guy dat loves me 4 who I am. N in dis dream, I remember I’ve becoming a gurl (yeay…my wish comes true) n currently dating a guy. Of course dis guy exist in my real life. I had a crushed on him since his first time calling me through da phone (It lasts 4 2 hours Occay! Dun play2) Enw, dis guy, in his white short sleeves n jeans, wuz asking me 2 go 4 a ride wif him 2 his house. We went n upon @ da dining table, while we had a fine English cuisine; he uttered da four-magic-word. I was lost in transition dat time, anylising – Lord, cud dis b real??? And after whispering da single word Y_ _, he came 2 me wif a ring n put it on my finger. While I was personifying da thing on me lil finger, he rang his parents indicating his intention 2 wed. Later he sent me home wif his car (I can’t actually remember da car in my dream altho I’m very much sure it wasn’t da same wif wat he has in reality – which he used 2 pick me up when we go sightseeing). Da next thing I saw was my IUJ room wall n I know it’s already over. But it took me 30 mins 2 re-start da heart n mind as I never (in my 26 years of existence) had dis kind of dream ever b4. Yup, shocking 2 u, wat more 2 me!

CASE II (Data Sampling: MFCA)

Probably dis dream comes in a lighter degree of intenseness from da 1 told b4. OK, I av always regard dis guy as a touch-n-go fren. He will come 2 me when he has probs, n promised a lot of things 2 return my kindness (dat I wasn’t really hoping pun) but in da end made me disappointed. He promised 2 meet up when he comes back from studying in overseas but in da end, None. Nil. Zilch. Ellek. So I kinda hate dis guy. N 4 crying out loud, he appeared in my dream. We were making Eidulfitr dishes 2 b served to frens n guests. I can still vividly remember, he justifies his MIA n disappearance 2 me, while stirring da Peanut Sauce a.k.a Kuah Kacang. N I was juz listening, without paying attention as I was bored 2 hear his series of lame excuses. After hours of cooking n preparation, da meal’s done n we cleared up da kitchen. Within few secs, I can sense da heat coming from da sunlight through da sliding window of my room in IUJ. Dream’s over.

CASE III (Data Sampling: HI)

Despite our 1 n only meeting, I’ve been very closed wif dis guy. We had a chance 2 know each other (4 juz 2 hours) while I had my internship in Jakarta. N through online communication, dis guy had made me started 2 like him. Totally on words as we never call or meet since da day I departed home. N he came in my dream. YEAY. We went shopping (merely looking around 2 b precise) @ da mall where we first met. We walked, we dined, we stopped n looked things around, we talked n we shared stories. But I cudn’t accurately recall anything else, but he had a different hairstyle depiction when I met him 4 real. In my dream, his hair was slightly longer n thicker, juz like on one of his FB pics 2 years ago, which I saved in my Iphone. Ha Ha. I guessed it must be everytime I browsed da gadget, without fail, I will look into his pic. N dat seemed 2 appear in my dreams.

So wat dis cases mean 2 me?

First I realized, if u really craving 4 sumting, God will give u chance 2 feel it (although merely in dreams!) n I think its fair enuff 2 me. Since I cudnt av it in real, merely experiencing em in my dreams (only 4 couple of hours), I feel more than happy. Seriously. So dat, everytime I start my day, my lips r smiling widely, grinning n laughing all alone in my room. It boosts up my mode, indoctrinating myself, it’s definitely gonna b a gud day. Simply bcuz I had a gud start @ da very beginning.

Second, no matter wat u dream, it remains s ur personal treasure n value. N it will b sealed tightly in ur memories, being da world’s greatest secret bout u n ur crush. As it mite not happen in real world, God has made it happen in ur dreams. Shud we b thankful 4 a few hours of greatest moment – for turning our wish come true?

Third, I know truest dream will never cum true. It mite b becuz I desire 4 sumting beyond reasonable imagination, far across human norms n nature. N one has 2 be intelligent n wise 2 draw a line between a world of fantasy n da world of reality. No matter how high u’ve flown in ur dreams, but always remember 2 land ur feet back 2 da ground soon after da journey is over. We need 2 grasp da limit dat reality has to offer. By dat, we need 2 b realistic n reasonable 2 ourselves. Da world is so cruel out dere babe. It has no mercy n enuff love 4 all of us. Thus, once dream is ended, we ought 2 equip ourselves wif sum persistence n determination 2 face a day of reality.

Dream as much as you like, fly to as many skies as you want, but always remember where you start.

-Zokhri Idris-

The reason why our hearts keep on beating is because 4 every second n moment we keep on fighting. Fighting 4 a survival, fighting 4 a life.

-Aja Aja Fighting-

I’m glad I had those dreams. They keep me alive n satisfied 2 begin da day which full of uncertainties. They r important n I need em. And on top of dis conviction, I hope I’ll be able 2 reach 2 da next phase – 2 regard dreams s a sign in my life. I’m hoping dat eventually, dreams will guide me, being one source of consideration before every decision is made. It will lead me da way, showing me da rite path 2 choose, n giving me da means 2 go through. @ dis level of belief, I will think dat dreams r crucially significant. They shud b listened 2. Simply bcuz, da higher power is trying 2 tell u sumting, via ur nite dreams. Av u ever watched “If Only” starred by Paul Nichols and Jennifer Love-Hewitt? Go and watch it n tell me wat ya think.

Dream my love, for a nite, one shalt be tranquil n bliss, far away from da cruel world.

ZI

Thanks For The Memories

Mode: Everyday I Love You.


I never feel death is so close to me. Blatantly, feeling loss for ppl who r being surrounding us is normal s we grow older. None in dis world is immortal. Every soul n life shalt taste death, eventually return 2 its Creator 4 a never-ending happiness. Dis is wat we (da living souls) been promised 4… for a day of separation from da living creatures, into a rest b4 being summoned 2 meet our Almighty Creator. I started 2 feel loss n began 2 understand da meaning of loosing sum1 dat we luv, beginning da age of 10. My most beloved grandmother (4 her special attention, devoted lovings 2 me, I love her more than my other grandmother) left me due 2 a sudden death in da infirmary. I cudnt even cry cuz I was too sad n shock. Only after few days of the burial, tears began 2 brim, realising she is no longer dere 2 comfort me. N until 2day, I still crave 4 her love n caring.

{O Lord…she was a great grandmother 2 me. Please take care of her b4 I finally cud join her in heaven. Amen.}


Time passes by… wif new lifes come 2 join da existing ones, while I’m progressively aging and decipher da existence of life. But comes 2009, da world, I realise is begin 2 loose many gr8 ppl as 1 by 1 is departing 2 Lord’s call 2 join Him in His Loving Arms. The death of my closed fren Markus Ng Chung Yau on February 4th, da World’s King of Pop who was an idol 4 his non-discriminatory ideologies n equality of all mankind, Michael Joseph Jackson on June 25th, Malaysian rising talent who preached 4 Love n Equality 4 all Malaysians, who will b fondly remembered by da entire “Saya Anak Bangsa Malaysia” regardless of races, Yasmid Ahmad on July 25th, and recently Stephen Patrick David Gately on Oct 10th, 4 his lovely voice n music rendition. Footnote: I come from a generation where BSB, MLTR, Boyzone, N Sync, M2M, Spice Girls are my must-have-list in my music album.


I’ve lost 4 important ppl who av been part in my growing life, juz in a third quarter of 2009. N da bad thing is – I always have regarded their presence 4 granted while they were still been wif us. I only had a chance 2 meet Markus once since he came back fr da UK, I seldom listen 2 MJ’s great hits these days, I’ve missed Yasmin’s Talentime in Cinema and, for nearly 5 years I’ve been residing in the UK, non of my time spent 2 see Steo’s or the Boyzone’s concerts. Da truth is – we will appreciate sumting/sumone when it’s gone right b4 our eyes. We will feel da presence of ppl when they r absent from our life. N dis will haunt us 4ever, - 4 missing da opportunities God has given us while da person is very much alive.

And I will never let dis thing continues…da outcome is totally unbearable n has 2 b stopped immediately.


Sometimes, I wonder, why da world is so cruel n unfair. God has taken da gud ones n left us wif da bad n ill-intention human. Y r these 4 angels, kind-hearted who never offended ppl in a way, b called 2 meet Him in heaven while bad leaders (who thirst and hunger 4 wars n da blood of da innocents) terrorist, environment polluters, endangered species killers, criminals etc remain? WHAT HAS HAPPENED 2 DIS WORLD OF OURS? Why am I facing bad ppl, witnessing much destruction of life n creatures day by day? Aren’t dere any mercy left 4 us, dear Lord?


3 days ago, I went 2 a Memorial led by IUJ Pilipino Community, 2 dedicate our remembrance n thought 2 1 of IUJ graduates, Antoinette Kindipan who has been called 2 meet Da Creator 2gether wif hundreds of souls who died in da Ketsana Storm and Landslides in The Philippines. It was an eye-teared occasion. Even though I dunno her personally, but knowing sum1 who lived da world @ a young age while she can do so many things 2 mankind is indeed disturbing. N she isn’t da only 1. Many died in a series of catastrophic disasters, taking place all around da globe. Our brothers and sisters in Padang Sumatera, in the Philippines, southern Japan … everywhere in da world.


I was nodding down, whispering 2 meself, perhaps dis is a God’s sign of anger 4 all da destruction dat human had ever caused. Aren’t these environmental disasters are caused by da hands of human, who refused 2 love da nature n da earth 4 their personal boastfulness n greediness?

{O our Lord, we indeed had created injustices 2 ourselves, and without thy forgiveness, O Lord, we will be in greatest loss} (excerpt from the Holy Qoran)


Nevertheless, da legacy n teachings of noble lifes will never die, although da body will decompose. Their presence will always be remembered though they no longer b wif us. And these will b kept as a treasure deep inside me heart, guiding me through sailing dis cruel, life-less world till da day my time has finally arrived. Hence, I wud like 2 take dis wonderful opportunity 2 thank all of u, 4 da memories we had, while u were still been around me.


Thank you Markus, for letting me 2 believe 4 a brite future 4 our Malaysia. U r one of da least Chinese frens dat I know who has shown a high interest in joining da govt service, which currently dominated by da major race. U made me 2 av faith in our country, while da faith is probably perished in me. A faith 4 a niu generation of Malaysia, not because we r Muslims or not, Malay, Chinese or even Indian, but because we r born n known as a Malaysian.

Markus Ng Chung Yau
(6/5/1985 - 4/2/2009)

Thank you MJ, 4 trying 2 make da world a better place 2 stay – a world of no separation of races and colour, 4 da love to our mother-nature, children and da promising ones. U gave us love, while none was giving it 2 u. U gave us soul while u left in utter misery n loneliness. No matter how bad they have treated u, forgiveness is da reward U’ve given em. They brought u down, but justice will never let it happens. To me, you were innocent, kind-hearted and a gentled man. May you rest in peace, enjoying peace and serendipity when we denied them 2 U.

Michael Joseph Jackson
(29/8/1958-25/6/2009)

Thank you Yasmin for your beautiful play and meaningful teachings. Although we never met, but many had testified your sense of humbleness and caring 2 da nation. Im sure many r slowly embracing ur thoughts, strategising various means n movements 2 materialise ur dream – Malaysia to be a place for everyone. I dun care who r u (or who were u b4) but u r known juz in da way u wanted 2 b known. After all, U r truly a Malaysian.

Yasmin Ahmad
(1/7/1958 - 25/7/2009)

Thank you Steo, 4 ur angelic voice, accompanying my phases of growing up. On top of everything, I admire ur encouragement of being honest (2 ur fan n 2 urself) on ur true feelings. I wish I cud b as brave as u. To have da strength 2 b ourselves regardless of wat ppl thought. I want 2 b brave as u were, 2 enjoy life s u did, 2 to love sum1 as u loved. A Chinese saying goes – Heaven Envies Talent – n I think dats y u’ve been called @ such a young age, living us in absolute shock n surprise. Rest In Peace Steo.

Stephen Patrick David Gately
(17/3/1976 - 10/10/2009)

So, gudbyes my beautiful souls. Im bidding u farewell on ur physical presence but coalescing hard wif ur teachings n legacies. Dere cudnt be another Markus, MJ, Yasmin and Steo but dere will be many who believe in Markus, MJ, Yasmin n Steo. I juz know.

R.I.P lovely ones…



P/S: One of me mates was suggesting dat we shud go 2 as many concerts of our favs as we can, cuz these wont last permanently. Heaven knows. And I seriously think da logic of his assertion.


Goodbye my angels,
ZI

F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S.

When I was idling around, youtubing Kanya West’s VMA Intrusion 2 me favourite Taylor Swift, I found an amazing quote well-written by Swift, I cudnt help myself from adoring each of the sentences composed by this new talented singer. She teaches me new hidden things, in many senses.

So readers, wat wud be da best definition, shud u being asked to define ‘fearless.’

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.

Taylors Swift

Hence, I have no reasons 2 fear for love, betrayal and loneliness.

Bravo.