Freeman I am ...

1606 28 April 2009

cluttered, confused but I guess Im half way through. I've made sumtinge huge dis afternoon, and even in 10 years to come, I doubt I would have da same courage as wat I've done 2day. I will probably be proud to myself, taking da steps to solve it (although I doubt it has solved totally). within blinks of eyes, I hit da place n burst everything out. true, i dunno whether i can do dis again in my near future. if u ask me how did i do it, i seriously have no idea. I'll tell u soon i've catched my breath.

dats it. da conclusion has been made, da resolution has been drawn. da implementation is sumting we both (him and I) yet to see,but a free man I am now, leaving behind all this s***ty things in my life.


I WANT TO LIVE ...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES AND WISHING U THE BEST OF UR ENDEAVOURS...IM SORRY PERHAPS I CAN ONLY ACCOMPANY UP 2 DIS POINT, N IM SENDING MY BLESSINGS AND PRAYERS AWAY 2 GUIDE U.



XXX ME XXX

F is for F.A.I.T.H.

Have u ever been into a destructive state where all of ur views became vanished n all u see is a black out?

Have u ever felt dat within blinks of eyes, da world suddenly turns its back 2 u, making u nobody n no one 2 turn 2?

Have u ever been into such melancholic feelings, once u’ve learnt da one surrounds u, changing 360 degrees, stabbing u from behind, making u as a contagious rubbish mortal?

Da fact dat, I was and probably am @ da moment.

Friday comes bringing series of worriness as how my weekend wud be. I do anticipate da coming of weekend (everyone does, don’t we?) but my anticipation comes wif mixed emotions. N Im scared if I cant get dis through, spoiling da atmosphere of happiness n joy as planned by frens. I do, honestly look 4ward to all da arrangements made but i’m wondering whether these cud make things better n not worsen things up.

I know dis will happen. In fact it has already happened. My most-catastrophic nitemare (of da week) has became a reality dat swept away all of my hope, shattering into small pieces of dust, vanished and disappeared in da air. Da fact is – all of my personal ramblings n cries were known by many (INCLUDING DA SUBJECTED PERSON...crap crap crap). They seemed reacted adversely, making me into a foolish creature on earth. All of my sincerity n honesty were seen as rubbish, leaving me into a state of being betrayed, cheated and discarded. N I dunno whether I cud face em up dis weekend although chances 2 avoid r pretty small.

My fear doesn’t inflict my hatredness 2wards em. I (try 2) love em still and never hold any sort of grudges 2 my frens. I’ve learnt da power of forgiveness whereby it makes da forgiver feels da warmth of God’s love n blessings. By forgiving others, u’ll feel dat God has actually see you and send His blessings in all sorts of way. N i do 4give em, 4 everything has happened. I dunt want my lil’ heart to hold any vengeance and abhorrence 2 em no matter how ill they have regarded me. True, it doesn’t make me an angel by 4giving em, (I’m far much to deserve it ... I know) but i juz want to b free from all dis bad feelings towards them. Certainly, ditching em away from my life will never be an option. Not even da last result. O Lord, I love my frens n will never discard em away.

But forgiveness cant free my mind from da awful memories. I am juz an ordinary mortal who has feelings n me brain cant simply delete da tear drops of misery, n easily reminiscing wat they av done 2 me. Da past few days made me into a tug of war between forgiving people n 4getting da past. Da latter seems much tougher.

Surprisingly 2day, I’ve discovered da power of faith. Its simply undescribable. Its like da wind, U cant see it but U can feel. It has taught me dat I will make things better n everything seems 2 turn normal. A faith dat, for everything dat has f**ked up will fall accordingly on its place. A faith dat will lead us to a light of serendipity in da end of dis dead-end tunnel. A faith dat will crack a smile on our lips after days of sorrowness n pale-ness. I dunno how these are gonna work, neither in wat way all these will happen, but I have faith dat it will turn out (sumhow).

God will make things easy, if u ask it sincerely. Da angels will lend their hands in spreading love n tenderness, preventing da heat of hatredness whispered by da devils. As long as u desire sumting thotful, it will all come easy in da end.

N im glad 2 learn dis discovery, although I’m still sceptical n afraid as 2 wat will I encounter 2day, da next day, n da day after. But dere’s an encouraging voice dat hisses, “everything will b alrite. U juz need 2 av faith.” And I put my trust on dis voice. I trust God will help me, if I’m wishing sumting gud 4 me n da rest. He will never leave me alone. Meanwhile, I never stop hoping and praying.

No matter how hard dis will hit me in da next few hours, faith stands by me in facing dis through. Even though in da end, I cudnt make it, n my dreams will shatter n crack, faith will help me through ... I’m indeed scared to go through dis, but faith is walking with me, leaning against me and makes me chin-up, 2 face them, da troubles, da embarrassment, da humiliation, da pain n da limitless hurting. I dunno how will I face dis but I’ve no choice but 2 pursue it, bringing faith along with me.

I have faith in me ...

I have faith in you ...

I have faith in our friendship ...

I have faith in da future ... a brite future

Above all, I have faith in mending all da misunderstanding dat occurred n create a light of love n blessings in pursuing da frenship. N even da signs are still blur n cloudy, I will keep on hoping n praying.

ONLY HOPE: INSPIRED BY "A WALK TO REMEMBER"

There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write

over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars

Of your galaxy dancing and laughingand laughing again

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me of the plans that you havefor me over again

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny

I'm giving you all of me

I want your symphony

Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs

I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yours I pray to be only yoursI pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

"DON'T TELL ME ITS NOT WORTH TRYING FOR"

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
The author shall not be held liable 4 sleeping/yawning infront of the screens due to the highest level of boredom identified in dis article.

I am aware dat scientific inventions have caused damage to intimacy and human bonds. Considering dis, I took every precautionary steps n potentials risks prior submitting any post to ‘asignofthecreator.’ On da ironic side, I am aware dat nothing cud stop me from speaking out-loud (especially those which r affecting me directly or indirectly … gudly or badly). I’ve realized dat 2009 has stimulated a new version of bravery into me, a version which is full of honesty n sincerity (DIPLOMACY??? … erm subject 2 case by case basis, I think) lol. Da bottom line is, I’m no longer afraid 2 b me. N im not afraid 2 admit 2 others da true facts being me. After all, its juz me being da subject matter n taking into account of my full proprietary rights n ownership on “asignofthecreator,” thus, da floor is all mine.

Through my observation, my recent postings have opened many dubious wonderings n multi-reactions from readers. Some were shock, (tapi takkan laa smp trauma kot..haha) hard 2 accept, angry n very few were utterly supportive (although we aren’t debating bout quality vs quantity notion ere n then). I accept those n (try me very best 2) understand how each n every1 of u derived to ur responses. But wif all due respect, its me who feel da most. Im sorry shud they offend u in any way u’ve personally encountered, but I cant help 2 raise my own side of da story.

Sumtimes, its hard 2 appease ppl. N 2 b honest, I’m freaking tired 2 keep on pleasing others (while others have shown less interest doing da same 2 me). Da past experience have convinced me dat, ppl offer less initiative 2 understand me n giving me no room 2 breathe. N I see no point in returning da favour 2 em. Im being da ‘devil-advocate’ now (n it is much stronger after following Prof Robles lectures) lol. I must give myself sum credits without actually deprive others 2 gain da same.

MONOLOGUES:

I know u’ve been hurt by my writings, but av u ever care deep down inside my heart?

I know u cant see da logic of my so-called ‘accusation’ but av u ever give me an opportunity 2 raise me case?

I know dat u mite see it from a different angle of da prism, but have u given a thot da least dat, I still can see, I supposed differently from you?

I know dat u mite think u r right n bright, but have u ever thot da impacts dat have fallen onto me?

I know da others mite have supported u (including da beloved ones) but will da others listen 2 me as they av listened 2 u?

Simply no, rite?

Hence, wat u feel/know doesn’t proportionately necessarily describe da whole picture, fren. N im not claiming 2 be da superhero who knows every single thing flawlessly. HELL NO! n I dun wish 2 be one too. All I’m doing is 2 express my feelings knowing wat u’ve done 2 me. May I re-iterate 4 myself, I AM NOT JUDGING YOU FROM WAT U’VE DONE 2 ME. I am merely pouring out da drops of my heart, without putting a single blame on u.

Thus, am I still @ fault?

U’ve raised a Q, which I personally dunno 2 answer. But life isn’t about answering questions n searching 4 endless explanation, not either 2 find gud extra points against each other. Its about finding solutions aite? Its about 2 make things better, so dat between us, joys will be re-blossoming in da air and anger will fade together wif da heat of prejudice and negative prescriptions. N I know, I’m still lacking on it. I am still finding ways n means 2 patch things up so dat our puzzles of frenship will turn into a perfect portrait. In da end, it wudnt be as catching as Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, but enuff 4 da others 2 see us smiling n laughing blissfully.

But of course, I can’t do dis alone n without u. I will never succeed shud u dun give me an opportunity 2 heal. Like da Americans say, -It takes two to tango.-

Furthermore my learned fren, its not about wat ‘will we get wat we want.’ Wat matters is wat means will we utilise 2 get wat we want. Although a robber gets no penny at all by robbing a bank, dat doesn’t exclude him from the guilt of executing da aims. I believe u haven’t forgotten these idioms of ‘mens rea’ and ‘actus reus’ have ya? -grins-

N wud it be wiser rather than asking how cud others cum up wif such accusation by questioning, ‘wat have I done dat made me be accused severely?’ Im sorry, I mite be wrong. But I’m quite happy wif Confucius teachings of self-reflection and personal post-mortem. We be able 2 understand others nevertheless, able to understand ourselves better.

Again, please dun get me wrong. Im ere not 2 contest ur feelings, ur semi-judgments, or ur quasi-verdicts u have imposed on me. Although those seems 2 b unfair, wif all my respect 2 u, u av da rite 2 address em 2 me. I’ve been convicted b4 I can speak 4 myself. N if dat makes u feel satisfied, I guess, 4ever I’ll walk in my life as a prisoner 2 u. N I know da rest will side u, n guard me wif a strong sense of disdain n horror.

Reason being, I am not n opponent 2 u. Frenship isn’t bout competing whose right or wrong, neither whose stronger or vice-versa. Its about lending hands 2 each other whenever needed, 2 guide our trail when da path seems 2 b off-tracked by vagueness, n to catch us whenever we fall. I am much convinced dat I’ve enjoyed these privileges u av crowned me once b4 n (un)willing 2 prepare myself shud dis be no longer da case in da future. N dis is wat sadden me da most. {because of my sincere expressions n honest revelations, I’ve lost sumone dat has been part of me}

Surely If I can turn back da past, I will stay away from da very beginning. It wud b better I think, being a STRANGER rather than being ENEMIES after became ACQUAINTANCES. Da latter offers so much hurt to endure n im pretty sure neither my nerves nor my feelings cud av a second blow.

In da end, if I ask, wud dere b some hope 4 our frenship, I’m eagerly wondering wat cud it be in da future. But all I know, I NEVER DISOWN YOU. N forever n ever will accept u as sumone important in my life. as da always cliché mobile texts humans do ever receive, “remembering you I always do, forgetting me, it’s up to you.”

I am calculating, “wat cud I do to reconcile da conflicts? On a second note, Isn’t dis diplomatic (emphasis) enuff 2 u?” -smiling-

XXX

When love fades and anger grows ...

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.


P/S : While tearing, I am trying 2 be strong xxx

"S" is 4 STRUGGLING and SURVIVING

I admit, I was (really) disturbed last week. But 2day marks a sign of liberalisation 4 me. A bit much better though not fully recovered. I’m getting much much improved since the mundane days last week. I wud like 2 take dis wonderful opportunity, extending my deepest thanks 2 all calls, texts, n emails given. U guys r da bestest n will always spice my life up when sourness began 2 appear. U guys r da bomb. Toce Toce.

And I’m more convinced dat life is all about 2S. STRUGGLING and SURVIVING. As long as the heart keeps on beating, one will always learn 2 struggle n 2 survive. U mite find no hope, or utterly lost in direction, but ending da struggles will never b da case till da very end u hold ur last breath. Probably dats da reason we wish da deceased soul “Rest-in-Peace” cuz u’ll only rest when u live da world.

So ere I am !!! In da state of living life by embracing pain n sweetness. N da sweet thing – 2day marks my very last presentation 4 my masters degree programme. Im nearly done wif lectures n seminars which lead me 2 4 months of vacation. Well literally a holiday but technically I’ve got 1 month internship in Jakarta n da remaining 2 get my dissertation done !!! (80 pages of double spacing aint too bad, huh?)

But da last two days were really pushing my nerves 2 da limit. Got 2 major presentations n 1 exam back 2 back (yeah u read it rite babe – BACK TO BACK). I sat for “Political Economy of Asia Europe” exam in da morning n presented “A Comparative Study of New Immigrants and Settled Residents Javanese Community in Malaysia.” N 2day I had a presentation on “The Origins of Asian Financial Crisis 1997”. Walaoweiiiiiiiiiiiii … 2 b honest I dun know how cud I take it. It was so …………… u-n-d-e-s-c-r-i-b-a-b-le. Probably will let u know soon I’ve catched my breath.

But Lord sends His Blessings in disguise. I’ve managed 2 b ‘off-tracked’ from my last week’s disturbia. Since Saturday, I’ve been committing myself 2 get dis trio agenda done. My mind was forced 2 process academic data n empirical evidences, neglecting da sorrowness felt by da heart. 2 my surprise it works out – which brings me 2 discover a niu theory/hypothesis 4 Zokhri Idris. I will be having a full momentum 2 do things (study/working) when im depressed wif personal stuff. N da inference is – da more complicated, stupid, foolish prob I encounter, da more dat I will work hard 2 get my task accomplished.

Reason being, I need distractions 2 keep my life moving. Had da fact dat I did nothing (less work) my mind will b occupied by sadness n downcast, resulting in less/nil – productive outcome in da end. N I must say Im glad wif dis niu foundings –grins- cuz I know wat 2 do when Im depressed. To conclude, exams n presentation stress act as a neutraliser 2 da depressed emotion n personal stuffs.

Hence, Zokhri needs exams n many many assignments when he started to contract sadness !!!

Voilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa …

DESCRIPTION: ***
Supposed Y axis is da amount of mental/heart incapacity (due 2 personal prob)
Supposed X axis is da amount of assignments/assessments.


Besides, I am still committing myself 2 personal (classical) treatment shud I contracted stress. 4 da past 7 days (without failed)I spent at least an hour watching “If Only” and “Bend It Like Becham.” Wanna know da similarities between these two? Both remind me of a destination dat I really dream 4, since da 1st day I came back home. UK – da place dat I (utterly) wanna go n reside 4 da next few decades. N I will make sure I’ll get it n will never look back (ever again). N da movies remind me of my future path n goals, together instilling a strong urge 2 simply ignore these hanky-panky stuffs, cuz I got a bigger mission awaiting me ahead.
N it seems 2 b clearer n nearer day by day !

Although Im breathlessly swimming in da centre of da ocean, wif no direction 2 guide, no way 2 go, but I know in da end I gonna touch da shore. Thus, I will never give up n surrender.

After all, I hold no grudges to those who have affected me in da last few days. U av nothing 2 b forgiven n 2 be apologized 4. All I want is 2 b free from U and freedom from ur hold of remembrance n thoughts. I am ere not 2 judge u neither giving my verdict whether or not u are gud. Wif all due respect, I am not in da position 2 judge U (and will never be in) Who am I 2 judge u? I am juz a normal person who feels da pain of ur presence, who is hurting from ur action but I can assure u, none of these got 2 do wif u. It is my entire fault n it is me who caused da mess. I’ll handle it by meself. U’ll walk as a free man, and 4ever I will b shackled, chained n imprisoned by da hurt n suffering I’ve endured 4 knowing U.


Should dat is da punishment 4 knowing u, and being an assistance of u, I’ll accept it as a fate dat has been destined upon me. And I’ll bear wif it … as long as my life stays wif me.


Behold Zokhrie dearie, 4 Lord has better arangements bestowed upon ye.
XXX

*** I sneaked into one of da lecture rooms 2 draw dis graph -grins-

I CANT DO DIS ANYMORE ...

Mode: Unfaithful by Rihanna
Time: 0058
Status: Confused – frustrated – despair – despondent


I am been wondering, how long will dis go on? Im honestly tired being referred - slash - used when sum1 is in trouble. I was contemplating 2 meself, how long I can do wif dis? Being used, (manipulated – I know dis sounds harsh), needed in a situation where I wasn’t needed at da first place.


CASE STUDIES:
I came 2 know sum1 who happened 2 b my fren’s boyfren. We established contacts, keeping in touch through #1 social network connection (ermmm no need 2 elaborate laaa). Through number of instances, I was been asked da whereabouts of my fren. I must admit my fren’s bf is caring, loving and (charming too – off records please!!!) n I can sense da gud qualities in him which I admire him so much. He’s every1’s dream 2 av a bf as n becuz of dis, (and admittedly my fault too, Juz.My.Entire.Fault) I’ve sumtimes been side-tracked n indulged 2 a state where I shudnt/musnt b in da 1st place n forever too. In short, i began 2 develop a feeling dat is vividly forbidden n unethical.


I dun want dis 2 happen. Hell no!!! I swear!!! I’ve juz escaped from a long duration of commitment n I’ve managed dat (quite) brilliantly. I’ve vowed not 2 let myself fall in love again; unless, I’ve got da guts 2 do so. Da wound will never be healed though da scar is no longer 2 b found. Da pain is still dere n its still fresh in me mind; how it struck @ da first place. Its really hurting n still be (I believe) n I cudnt manage 2 have a 2nd blow or else i’ll collapse helplessly.
But dis guy is not ordinary.


He came when his presence is not expected. He’s an angel sent down by Lord, when I’ve already be da devil. His caring n loving transpire when I’ve been a while turned into apathy and indifference. He re-incarnates da mesmerised glory of falling in love (again) when my heart has closed its doors securely. And dis come da paradoxes. As much as he is a sign of danger 4 me, it is his companionship dat I endlessly craving 4. As much as I’ve tried 2 hate him, I began to feel da love n caring blossoming. As much as I dun want him, it is me dat wanted to see him. And as much as I want 2 run away, it is him who come even closer.


O Lord!


Da worst thing – I’ve developed da feelings in da frenship I’ve newly crafted. I fear dat my sincere, third-party-without-political-interest piece of minds are tarnished wif self-interest n prejudice. I hate me being me and I hate him for causing dis. Truth b told – having feelings @ 1st is a sin. A wrong dat I’ve effortlessly committed n helplessly 2 avoid. And I know I’ll rot in hell for causing dis mess.


But yesterday was da nite. Bcuz of my sincere-yet-sinful company, I’ve allowed myself 2 b used by him.


“How cud u do dis 2 me?”

“How am I supposed 2 know ur bf’s whereabouts?”

“Keeping its tracks n minds... and even if I do, wouldn’t it not be my duty 2 inform my fren’s whereabouts?”

“Y r u putting me on da edge having u n ur bf side by side? I owe a sense of belonging 2 my fren, yet u’ve become sum1 important in my life.”


N suddenly da heart n mind began 2 whisper:

I know (although I always believe dis cudnt be true) he’s using me behind dis relationship. I can feel it. Dat my very presence cud assist him in tracking his bf whereabouts n stuffs. I’ve been an unpaid spy – reporting, acknowledging, informing him bout my fren. Dis, I believe, has happened once, and I cud be da 2nd ‘white mouse.’ And I know dis is totally wrong. Deep inside my heart, I KNOW IT IS SO UNETHICAL AND @CERTAIN POINTS, DIS HAS 2 STOP.


How can I do dis 2 my very fren?


Within seconds, I know dis cudnt b true. How cud an angel put me into a bad state and made me into engaging evils? I beg U, LOVING, dis cudnt be true. I adore u, and have crowned my highest admiration 2 u, thus u cant be dis bad. U mite be reckless n irrational (at times) but u aren’t bad. U cant be da bad one. Please, I beg U: tell me dis is not true n u will help me by not putting me through dat ever again. Ever.


I know I will never own you, but still, I dun want 2 loose u. Having u as my fren is simply more than enuff from wat I cud ask 4. U always stood by me n cared 4 me. And Im glad dat I av you. I will rest-assured dat my fren will be in gud hands of urs. Above all, I juz want u both 2 b happy, enduring love, cherishing each other beyond all distance and time.


Simply becuz ...
(CONCLUSION)

As much as I want u, I am bound by my own destiny and paths. And they r telling me, we aren’t meant 4 each other, no matter how desire I am towards u. Accepting dis as a hard execution 4 me, I’m letting u go, sending my prayers n blessings 2 guide u along da way. N I juz want u 2 know, no matter where life has brought u – whether success and glory surround u or failures haunt u, you always av a place to stay in my heart n mind.


U have once been in a special part of my life and will forever be, as long as my life stays wif me.

Im glad 2 av da opportunity 2 know u, LOVING.


xxx