Mode: Unfaithful by Rihanna
Time: 0058
Status: Confused – frustrated – despair – despondent
I am been wondering, how long will dis go on? Im honestly tired being referred - slash - used when sum1 is in trouble. I was contemplating 2 meself, how long I can do wif dis? Being used, (manipulated – I know dis sounds harsh), needed in a situation where I wasn’t needed at da first place.
CASE STUDIES:
I came 2 know sum1 who happened 2 b my fren’s boyfren. We established contacts, keeping in touch through #1 social network connection (ermmm no need 2 elaborate laaa). Through number of instances, I was been asked da whereabouts of my fren. I must admit my fren’s bf is caring, loving and (charming too – off records please!!!) n I can sense da gud qualities in him which I admire him so much. He’s every1’s dream 2 av a bf as n becuz of dis, (and admittedly my fault too, Juz.My.Entire.Fault) I’ve sumtimes been side-tracked n indulged 2 a state where I shudnt/musnt b in da 1st place n forever too. In short, i began 2 develop a feeling dat is vividly forbidden n unethical.
I dun want dis 2 happen. Hell no!!! I swear!!! I’ve juz escaped from a long duration of commitment n I’ve managed dat (quite) brilliantly. I’ve vowed not 2 let myself fall in love again; unless, I’ve got da guts 2 do so. Da wound will never be healed though da scar is no longer 2 b found. Da pain is still dere n its still fresh in me mind; how it struck @ da first place. Its really hurting n still be (I believe) n I cudnt manage 2 have a 2nd blow or else i’ll collapse helplessly.
But dis guy is not ordinary.
He came when his presence is not expected. He’s an angel sent down by Lord, when I’ve already be da devil. His caring n loving transpire when I’ve been a while turned into apathy and indifference. He re-incarnates da mesmerised glory of falling in love (again) when my heart has closed its doors securely. And dis come da paradoxes. As much as he is a sign of danger 4 me, it is his companionship dat I endlessly craving 4. As much as I’ve tried 2 hate him, I began to feel da love n caring blossoming. As much as I dun want him, it is me dat wanted to see him. And as much as I want 2 run away, it is him who come even closer.
O Lord!
Da worst thing – I’ve developed da feelings in da frenship I’ve newly crafted. I fear dat my sincere, third-party-without-political-interest piece of minds are tarnished wif self-interest n prejudice. I hate me being me and I hate him for causing dis. Truth b told – having feelings @ 1st is a sin. A wrong dat I’ve effortlessly committed n helplessly 2 avoid. And I know I’ll rot in hell for causing dis mess.
But yesterday was da nite. Bcuz of my sincere-yet-sinful company, I’ve allowed myself 2 b used by him.
“How cud u do dis 2 me?”
“How am I supposed 2 know ur bf’s whereabouts?”
“Keeping its tracks n minds... and even if I do, wouldn’t it not be my duty 2 inform my fren’s whereabouts?”
“Y r u putting me on da edge having u n ur bf side by side? I owe a sense of belonging 2 my fren, yet u’ve become sum1 important in my life.”
N suddenly da heart n mind began 2 whisper:
I know (although I always believe dis cudnt be true) he’s using me behind dis relationship. I can feel it. Dat my very presence cud assist him in tracking his bf whereabouts n stuffs. I’ve been an unpaid spy – reporting, acknowledging, informing him bout my fren. Dis, I believe, has happened once, and I cud be da 2nd ‘white mouse.’ And I know dis is totally wrong. Deep inside my heart, I KNOW IT IS SO UNETHICAL AND @CERTAIN POINTS, DIS HAS 2 STOP.
How can I do dis 2 my very fren?
Within seconds, I know dis cudnt b true. How cud an angel put me into a bad state and made me into engaging evils? I beg U, LOVING, dis cudnt be true. I adore u, and have crowned my highest admiration 2 u, thus u cant be dis bad. U mite be reckless n irrational (at times) but u aren’t bad. U cant be da bad one. Please, I beg U: tell me dis is not true n u will help me by not putting me through dat ever again. Ever.
I know I will never own you, but still, I dun want 2 loose u. Having u as my fren is simply more than enuff from wat I cud ask 4. U always stood by me n cared 4 me. And Im glad dat I av you. I will rest-assured dat my fren will be in gud hands of urs. Above all, I juz want u both 2 b happy, enduring love, cherishing each other beyond all distance and time.
Simply becuz ...
(CONCLUSION)
As much as I want u, I am bound by my own destiny and paths. And they r telling me, we aren’t meant 4 each other, no matter how desire I am towards u. Accepting dis as a hard execution 4 me, I’m letting u go, sending my prayers n blessings 2 guide u along da way. N I juz want u 2 know, no matter where life has brought u – whether success and glory surround u or failures haunt u, you always av a place to stay in my heart n mind.
U have once been in a special part of my life and will forever be, as long as my life stays wif me.
Time: 0058
Status: Confused – frustrated – despair – despondent
I am been wondering, how long will dis go on? Im honestly tired being referred - slash - used when sum1 is in trouble. I was contemplating 2 meself, how long I can do wif dis? Being used, (manipulated – I know dis sounds harsh), needed in a situation where I wasn’t needed at da first place.
CASE STUDIES:
I came 2 know sum1 who happened 2 b my fren’s boyfren. We established contacts, keeping in touch through #1 social network connection (ermmm no need 2 elaborate laaa). Through number of instances, I was been asked da whereabouts of my fren. I must admit my fren’s bf is caring, loving and (charming too – off records please!!!) n I can sense da gud qualities in him which I admire him so much. He’s every1’s dream 2 av a bf as n becuz of dis, (and admittedly my fault too, Juz.My.Entire.Fault) I’ve sumtimes been side-tracked n indulged 2 a state where I shudnt/musnt b in da 1st place n forever too. In short, i began 2 develop a feeling dat is vividly forbidden n unethical.
I dun want dis 2 happen. Hell no!!! I swear!!! I’ve juz escaped from a long duration of commitment n I’ve managed dat (quite) brilliantly. I’ve vowed not 2 let myself fall in love again; unless, I’ve got da guts 2 do so. Da wound will never be healed though da scar is no longer 2 b found. Da pain is still dere n its still fresh in me mind; how it struck @ da first place. Its really hurting n still be (I believe) n I cudnt manage 2 have a 2nd blow or else i’ll collapse helplessly.
But dis guy is not ordinary.
He came when his presence is not expected. He’s an angel sent down by Lord, when I’ve already be da devil. His caring n loving transpire when I’ve been a while turned into apathy and indifference. He re-incarnates da mesmerised glory of falling in love (again) when my heart has closed its doors securely. And dis come da paradoxes. As much as he is a sign of danger 4 me, it is his companionship dat I endlessly craving 4. As much as I’ve tried 2 hate him, I began to feel da love n caring blossoming. As much as I dun want him, it is me dat wanted to see him. And as much as I want 2 run away, it is him who come even closer.
O Lord!
Da worst thing – I’ve developed da feelings in da frenship I’ve newly crafted. I fear dat my sincere, third-party-without-political-interest piece of minds are tarnished wif self-interest n prejudice. I hate me being me and I hate him for causing dis. Truth b told – having feelings @ 1st is a sin. A wrong dat I’ve effortlessly committed n helplessly 2 avoid. And I know I’ll rot in hell for causing dis mess.
But yesterday was da nite. Bcuz of my sincere-yet-sinful company, I’ve allowed myself 2 b used by him.
“How cud u do dis 2 me?”
“How am I supposed 2 know ur bf’s whereabouts?”
“Keeping its tracks n minds... and even if I do, wouldn’t it not be my duty 2 inform my fren’s whereabouts?”
“Y r u putting me on da edge having u n ur bf side by side? I owe a sense of belonging 2 my fren, yet u’ve become sum1 important in my life.”
N suddenly da heart n mind began 2 whisper:
I know (although I always believe dis cudnt be true) he’s using me behind dis relationship. I can feel it. Dat my very presence cud assist him in tracking his bf whereabouts n stuffs. I’ve been an unpaid spy – reporting, acknowledging, informing him bout my fren. Dis, I believe, has happened once, and I cud be da 2nd ‘white mouse.’ And I know dis is totally wrong. Deep inside my heart, I KNOW IT IS SO UNETHICAL AND @CERTAIN POINTS, DIS HAS 2 STOP.
How can I do dis 2 my very fren?
Within seconds, I know dis cudnt b true. How cud an angel put me into a bad state and made me into engaging evils? I beg U, LOVING, dis cudnt be true. I adore u, and have crowned my highest admiration 2 u, thus u cant be dis bad. U mite be reckless n irrational (at times) but u aren’t bad. U cant be da bad one. Please, I beg U: tell me dis is not true n u will help me by not putting me through dat ever again. Ever.
I know I will never own you, but still, I dun want 2 loose u. Having u as my fren is simply more than enuff from wat I cud ask 4. U always stood by me n cared 4 me. And Im glad dat I av you. I will rest-assured dat my fren will be in gud hands of urs. Above all, I juz want u both 2 b happy, enduring love, cherishing each other beyond all distance and time.
Simply becuz ...
(CONCLUSION)
As much as I want u, I am bound by my own destiny and paths. And they r telling me, we aren’t meant 4 each other, no matter how desire I am towards u. Accepting dis as a hard execution 4 me, I’m letting u go, sending my prayers n blessings 2 guide u along da way. N I juz want u 2 know, no matter where life has brought u – whether success and glory surround u or failures haunt u, you always av a place to stay in my heart n mind.
U have once been in a special part of my life and will forever be, as long as my life stays wif me.
Im glad 2 av da opportunity 2 know u, LOVING.
xxx
10 comments:
Sweetheart, stay strong,k.This is not easy but hard moments will pass.
sue dearie,
i know no matter wat u'll always stay by me side xxx
Yo bro! Care to elaborate?
Dear Amirul,
I wouldnt mind to be honest. we'll find da rite time and place. life is complicated as always xxx
u like guys??
anonymous,
define 'like' =)
Mr. Zokhri, by reading your post, is it safe to conclude that you are a homosexual? since you have developed a homosexual crush on yr friend's bf.
Dear Anonymous,
I wouldnt say it is da safest conclusions considering other alternatives. Nevertheless, I must say U hit the points accurately. well i dunno wat wud b da safest, but shall I say, for all dis while Im being in love with GUYS? Is dat satisfiable 2 ur standard?
-smiling-
xxx
well, its great that you have the courage to confess yr homosexual feelings in the blog. not many ppl would admit that they are homosexuals.
since u have a crush on him, i suggest that u should take this relationship to another level. everyone should fight for their love. its not easy to find their Mr /Mrs Right.
don't let this chance slip. give it a try, at least u will not have any regrets. good luck on pursuing him.
Dear anonymous,
well, it isnt da case im proudly to confess who i am. but im not afraid to be me anymore. and i believe u able to draw da differences between the two. =)
on the other, i have to disagree wif ur second suggestion. it is not dat wat u were saying incorrect but it doesnt fit into da current situation we are discussing now (n i dun blame u for dat cuz u know nothing bout it)
but suffice to say, it wont be in da best interest of him and me to take a step futher. and i dun even think bout doing it too.
thanks for ur support. i believe everyone has da rite to be happy (including you) and i wish may happiness and joy surround u wherever and whenever u are.
Many thanks,
xxx
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