disturbing thoughts ...

Tuesday nite saw da whole of ss19 territory in midst if darkness. Upon listening 2 my favourite ‘beautiful girl’ by Sean Kingston, da blink of darkness suddenly comes to my eyes. Cudnt even shut my laptop properly. daym!!! (hopefully its alrite) .
Now wat to do?

Cant watch tele neither my astro
My phone batt is low hence I cudnt make calls
My MP3 player still not being charged

I cud have died in boredom. Fark arrrr ( owh pardon me, I shudnt swear, luckily its sya’ban still not ramadhan – so I will be forgiven) lol


So I walked around da area just to make sure everything’s safe; checked all da windows and doors (manalah tau rompakan terancang ker) haha. Feeling satisfied, I went back to my room, thinking ‘now wat’?


Even da whole house was in a complete black out, da moon was shining brite. I cud even see my neighbour houses vividly from my windows in my room. Da moonlight was showering all over. All praise due to God, despite a complete darkness in my house, it was so clear outside – as if like when da sunsets.


Without being told, I grabbed my chair and sat facing da window. Looking straight upwards, mermerising da god’s creation up above da sky. No wonder moon cud be so beautiful at nites. I thanked da moon. Without it, nites cud be so hallow. I praised God for such miracles. ( I bet if my parents weren’t around, I will climb up over da roof and lie down till dawn - enjoying da beauty of da nite)


Witnessing da hidden secret of da moon, invites me to do self-thinking .arghhhhh not again. I was asking myself – why up to dis moment I cudnt have made my parents happy?


Why all da days passed was full of quarrels and disagreements?

Why r they love to pick up on me even wif small stuffs?

Am I really bad juz because im jobless?

Does jobless mean im hopeless??

-Sobbing-

Mum dad, why do u hate me so much?

I know im not a gud son. But im trying my best to be da one.

I know I cant be a syariah lawyer or even a legal practitioner for u to proud of, but dats because I wanna do sumting else

I know u hate me seeing my frens, but they are just da ones dat I have in dis world after u


I know I always stay outside, but dat doesn’t mean Im engaging sumting bad

I know ive changed and u claim da change is in bad direction, but im just being myself and not being pretentious

I know I always procrastinate in praying, but im praying still (even my fajr prayers are always at 7) n trying 2 improve

I know I cant be like other ordinary guys, but im so tranquil in da way I am now

I know im not a gud muslim, but at least, im still ur son and forever will be ur son.


At dat moment, I cant help myself. My cheeks were painted wif delicate pearls of water which ever constantly merge to form tiny streams which I cud even feel a warm liquid merrying down into lines on my cheeks dropping one by one onto my lap. I cudnt take dis anymore.

I know u r hurt, but can u just feel how hurt I am inside.

Dad, why u being so harsh to me?


Perhaps, coming back home was a wrong decision. Yup, I shud have just stayed in d uk and leading my own personal life (which was really happy back then ). Perhaps I dun belong ere, despite dis is my hometown. Maybe, Malaysia isn’t for me to stay and live on.


At dis very moment, I wish cud fly back to uk and leaving all my sorrowness behind. I regret for taking decisions to come back home dis year. Its just not rite. Wrong timing, wrong situation hence wrong decision. I wish I cud just turn back da clock and remained in Manchester.

In da end, I dun care if all of u dun feel sorry 4 me. I am a bad son enw. So be it. I ve tried to patch things up wif my family but it seems all of my efforts pay no value in their eyes. And I had enough of trying. So be it.. carpe diem !!!

I dun care if u hate me cuz I know sumone out dere is waiting to love me.


At nites I cry
xxx