In Memoriam of Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

Nine years ago, Michael Jackson was invited to Oxford University in England—one of the best and most prestigious universities in the world, to lecture and promote his children's universal bill of rights.

The right to be loved without having to earn it—this is just one of the many mind-blowing ideas that he compassionately weaved into his framework of beautiful speech below.

I’d like to think that if a speech were a book, then this speech of Michael Jackson would be a Pulitzer Prize winner. Notice not just how exquisite the language is, but also how empowering and profoundly moving the themes are. It will be studied for decades to come as just how life-changing the written and spoken words can be:

“Thank you, thank you dear friends, from the bottom of my heart, for such a loving and spirited welcome, and thank you, Mr President, for your kind invitation to me which I am so honoured to accept. I also want to express a special thanks to you Shmuley, who for 11 years served as Rabbi here at Oxford. You and I have been working so hard to form Heal the Kids, as well as writing our book about childlike qualities, and in all of our efforts you have been such a supportive and loving friend. And I would also like to thank Toba Friedman, our director of operations at Heal the Kids, who is returning tonight to the alma mater where she served as a Marshall scholar, as well as Marilyn Piels, another central member of our Heal the Kids team.

I am humbled to be lecturing in a place that has previously been filled by such notable figures as Mother Theresa, Albert Einstein, Ronald Reagan, Robert Kennedy and Malcolm X. I've even heard that Kermit the Frog has made an appearance here, and I've always felt a kinship with Kermit's message that it's not easy being green. I'm sure he didn't find it any easier being up here than I do!

As I looked around Oxford today, I couldn't help but be aware of the majesty and grandeur of this great institution, not to mention the brilliance of the great and gifted minds that have roamed these streets for centuries. The walls of Oxford have not only housed the greatest philosophical and scientific geniuses - they have also ushered forth some of the most cherished creators of children's literature, from J.R.R. Tolkien to CS Lewis. Today I was allowed to hobble into the dining hall in Christ Church to see Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland immortalised in the stained glass windows. And even one of my own fellow Americans, the beloved Dr Seuss graced these halls and then went on to leave his mark on the imaginations of millions of children throughout the world.

I suppose I should start by listing my qualifications to speak before you this evening. Friends, I do not claim to have the academic expertise of other speakers who have addressed this hall, just as they could lay little claim at being adept at the moonwalk - and you know, Einstein in particular was really terrible at that.

But I do have a claim to having experienced more places and cultures than most people will ever see. Human knowledge consists not only of libraries of parchment and ink - it is also comprised of the volumes of knowledge that are written on the human heart, chiseled on the human soul, and engraved on the human psyche. And friends, I have encountered so much in this relatively short life of mine that I still cannot believe I am only 42. I often tell Shmuley that in soul years I'm sure that I'm at least 80 - and tonight I even walk like I'm 80! So please harken to my message, because what I have to tell you tonight can bring healing to humanity and healing to our planet.

Through the grace of God, I have been fortunate to have achieved many of my artistic and professional aspirations realised early in my lifetime. But these, friends are accomplishments, and accomplishments alone are not synonymous with who I am. Indeed, the cheery five-year-old who belted out Rockin' Robin and Ben to adoring crowds was not indicative of the boy behind the smile.

Tonight, I come before you less as an icon of pop (whatever that means anyway), and more as an icon of a generation, a generation that no longer knows what it means to be children.

All of us are products of our childhood. But I am the product of a lack of a childhood, an absence of that precious and wondrous age when we frolic playfully without a care in the world, basking in the adoration of parents and relatives, where our biggest concern is studying for that big spelling test come Monday morning.

Those of you who are familiar with the Jackson Five know that I began performing at the tender age of five and that ever since then, I haven't stopped dancing or singing. But while performing and making music undoubtedly remain as some of my greatest joys, when I was young I wanted more than anything else to be a typical little boy. I wanted to build tree houses, have water balloon fights, and play hide and seek with my friends. But fate had it otherwise and all I could do was envy the laughter and playtime that seemed to be going on all around me.

There was no respite from my professional life. But on Sundays I would go Pioneering, the term used for the missionary work that Jehovah's Witnesses do. And it was then that I was able to see the magic of other people's childhood.

Since I was already a celebrity, I would have to don a disguise of fat suit, wig, beard and glasses and we would spend the day in the suburbs of Southern California, going door-to-door or making the rounds of shopping malls, distributing our Watchtower magazine. I loved to set foot in all those regular suburban houses and catch sight of the shag rugs and La-Z-Boy armchairs with kids playing Monopoly and grandmas baby-sitting and all those wonderful, ordinary and starry scenes of everyday life. Many, I know, would argue that these things seem like no big deal. But to me they were mesmerizing.

I used to think that I was unique in feeling that I was without a childhood. I believed that indeed there were only a handful with whom I could share those feelings. When I recently met with Shirley Temple Black, the great child star of the 1930s and 40s, we said nothing to each other at first, we simply cried together, for she could share a pain with me that only others like my close friends Elizabeth Taylor and McCauley Culkin know.

I do not tell you this to gain your sympathy but to impress upon you my first important point: It is not just Hollywood child stars that have suffered from a non-existent childhood. Today, it's a universal calamity, a global catastrophe. Childhood has become the great casualty of modern-day living. All around us we are producing scores of kids who have not had the joy, who have not been accorded the right, who have not been allowed the freedom, or knowing what it's like to be a kid.

Today children are constantly encouraged to grow up faster, as if this period known as childhood is a burdensome stage, to be endured and ushered through, as swiftly as possible. And on that subject, I am certainly one of the world's greatest experts.

Ours is a generation that has witnessed the abrogation of the parent-child covenant. Psychologists are publishing libraries of books detailing the destructive effects of denying one's children the unconditional love that is so necessary to the healthy development of their minds and character. And because of all the neglect, too many of our kids have, essentially, to raise themselves. They are growing more distant from their parents, grandparents and other family members, as all around us the indestructible bond that once glued together the generations, unravels.

This violation has bred a new generation, Generation O let us call it, that has now picked up the torch from Generation X. The O stands for a generation that has everything on the outside - wealth, success, fancy clothing and fancy cars, but an aching emptiness on the inside. That cavity in our chests, that barrenness at our core, that void in our centre is the place where the heart once beat and which love once occupied.

And it's not just the kids who are suffering. It's the parents as well. For the more we cultivate little-adults in kids'-bodies, the more removed we ourselves become from our own child-like qualities, and there is so much about being a child that is worth retaining in adult life.

Love, ladies and gentlemen, is the human family's most precious legacy, its richest bequest, its golden inheritance. And it is a treasure that is handed down from one generation to another. Previous ages may not have had the wealth we enjoy. Their houses may have lacked electricity, and they squeezed their many kids into small homes without central heating. But those homes had no darkness, nor were they cold. They were lit bright with the glow of love and they were warmed snugly by the very heat of the human heart. Parents, undistracted by the lust for luxury and status, accorded their children primacy in their lives.

As you all know, our two countries broke from each other over what Thomas Jefferson referred to as "certain inalienable rights". And while we Americans and British might dispute the justice of his claims, what has never been in dispute is that children have certain inalienable rights, and the gradual erosion of those rights has led to scores of children worldwide being denied the joys and security of childhood.

I would therefore like to propose tonight that we install in every home a Children's Universal Bill of Rights, the tenets of which are:
1. The right to be loved without having to earn it
2. The right to be protected, without having to deserve it
3. The right to feel valuable, even if you came into the world with nothing
4. The right to be listened to without having to be interesting
5. The right to be read a bedtime story, without having to compete with the evening news
6. The right to an education without having to dodge bullets at schools
7. The right to be thought of as adorable - (even if you have a face that only a mother could love).

Friends, the foundation of all human knowledge, the beginning of human consciousness, must be that each and every one of us is an object of love. Before you know if you have red hair or brown, before you know if you are black or white, before you know of what religion you are a part, you have to know that you are loved.

About twelve years ago, when I was just about to start my Bad tour, a little boy came with his parents to visit me at home in California. He was dying of cancer and he told me how much he loved my music and me. His parents told me that he wasn't going to live, that any day he could just go, and I said to him: "Look, I am going to be coming to your town in Kansas to open my tour in three months. I want you to come to the show. I am going to give you this jacket that I wore in one of my videos." His eyes lit up and he said: "You are gonna GIVE it to me?" I said "Yeah, but you have to promise that you will wear it to the show." I was trying to make him hold on. I said: "When you come to the show I want to see you in this jacket and in this glove" and I gave him one of my rhinestone gloves - and I never usually give the rhinestone gloves away. And he was just in heaven.

But maybe he was too close to heaven, because when I came to his town, he had already died, and they had buried him in the glove and jacket. He was just 10 years old. God knows, I know, that he tried his best to hold on. But at least when he died, he knew that he was loved, not only by his parents, but even by me, a near stranger, I also loved him. And with all of that love he knew that he didn't come into this world alone, and he certainly didn't leave it alone.

If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can he dealt with. A professor may degrade you, but you will not feel degraded, a boss may crush you, but you will not be crushed, a corporate gladiator might vanquish you, but you will still triumph. How could any of them truly prevail in pulling you down? For you know that you are an object worthy of love. The rest is just packaging.

But if you don't have that memory of being loved, you are condemned to search the world for something to fill you up. But no matter how much money you make or how famous you become, you will still fell empty. What you are really searching for is unconditional love, unqualified acceptance. And that was the one thing that was denied to you at birth.

Friends, let me paint a picture for you. Here is a typical day in America - six youths under the age of 20 will commit suicide, 12 children under the age of 20 will die from firearms - remember this is a DAY, not a year - 399 kids will be arrested for drug abuse, 1,352 babies will be born to teen mothers. This is happening in one of the richest, most developed countries in the history of the world.

Yes, in my country there is an epidemic of violence that parallels no other industrialised nation. These are the ways young people in America express their hurt and their anger. But don't think that there is not the same pain and anguish among their counterparts in the United Kingdom. Studies in this country show that every single hour, three teenagers in the UK inflict harm upon themselves, often by cutting or burning their bodies or taking an overdose. This is how they have chosen to cope with the pain of neglect and emotional agony.

In Britain, as many as 20% of families will only sit down and have dinner together once a year. Once a year! And what about the time-honoured tradition of reading your kid a bedtime story? Research from the 1980s showed that children who are read to, had far greater literacy and significantly outperformed their peers at school. And yet, less than 33% of British children ages two to eight have a regular bedtime story read to them. You may not think much of that until you take into account that 75% of their parents DID have that bedtime story when they were that age.

Clearly, we do not have to ask ourselves where all of this pain, anger and violent behaviour comes from. It is self-evident that children are thundering against the neglect, quaking against the indifference and crying out just to be noticed. The various child protection agencies in the US say that millions of children are victims of maltreatment in the form of neglect, in the average year. Yes, neglect. In rich homes, privileged homes, wired to the hilt with every electronic gadget. Homes where parents come home, but they're not really home, because their heads are still at the office. And their kids? Well, their kids just make do with whatever emotional crumbs they get. And you don't get much from endless TV, computer games and videos.

These hard, cold numbers which for me, wrench the soul and shake the spirit, should indicate to you why I have devoted so much of my time and resources into making our new Heal the Kids initiative a colossal success.

Our goal is simple - to recreate the parent/child bond, renew its promise and light the way forward for all the beautiful children who are destined one day to walk this earth.
But since this is my first public lecture, and you have so warmly welcomed me into your hearts, I feel that I want to tell you more. We each have our own story, and in that sense statistics can become personal.

They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another. I have discovered that getting parents to re-dedicate themselves to their children is only half the story. The other half is preparing the children to re-accept their parents.

When I was very young I remember that we had this crazy mutt of a dog named "Black Girl," a mix of wolf and retriever. Not only wasn't she much of a guard dog, she was such a scared and nervous thing that it is a wonder she did not pass out every time a truck rumbled by, or a thunderstorm swept through Indiana. My sister Janet and I gave that dog so much love, but we never really won back the sense of trust that had been stolen from her by her previous owner. We knew he used to beat her. We didn't know with what. But whatever it was, it was enough to suck the spirit right out of that dog.

A lot of kids today are hurt puppies who have weaned themselves off the need for love. They couldn't care less about their parents. Left to their own devices, they cherish their independence. They have moved on and have left their parents behind.

Then there are the far worse cases of children who harbour animosity and resentment toward their parents, so that any overture that their parents might undertake would be thrown forcefully back in their face.

Tonight, I don't want any of us to make this mistake. That's why I'm calling upon all the world's children - beginning with all of us here tonight - to forgive our parents, if we felt neglected. Forgive them and teach them how to love again.

You probably weren't surprised to hear that I did not have an idyllic childhood. The strain and tension that exists in my relationship with my own father is well documented. My father is a tough man and he pushed my brothers and me hard, from the earliest age, to be the best performers we could be.

He had great difficulty showing affection. He never really told me he loved me. And he never really complimented me either. If I did a great show, he would tell me it was a good show. And if I did an OK show, he told me it was a lousy show.

He seemed intent, above all else, on making us a commercial success. And at that he was more than adept. My father was a managerial genius and my brothers and I owe our professional success, in no small measure, to the forceful way that he pushed us. He trained me as a showman and under his guidance I couldn't miss a step.

But what I really wanted was a Dad. I wanted a father who showed me love. And my father never did that. He never said I love you while looking me straight in the eye, he never played a game with me. He never gave me a piggyback ride, he never threw a pillow at me, or a water balloon.

But I remember once when I was about four years old, there was a little carnival and he picked me up and put me on a pony. It was a tiny gesture, probably something he forgot five minutes later. But because of that moment I have this special place in my heart for him. Because that's how kids are, the little things mean so much to them and for me, that one moment meant everything. I only experienced it that one time, but it made me feel really good, about him and the world.

But now I am a father myself, and one day I was thinking about my own children, Prince and Paris and how I wanted them to think of me when they grow up. To be sure, I would like them to remember how I always wanted them with me wherever I went, how I always tried to put them before everything else. But there are also challenges in their lives. Because my kids are stalked by paparazzi, they can't always go to a park or a movie with me.

So what if they grow older and resent me, and how my choices impacted their youth? Why weren't we given an average childhood like all the other kids, they might ask? And at that moment I pray that my children will give me the benefit of the doubt. That they will say to themselves: "Our daddy did the best he could, given the unique circumstances that he faced. He may not have been perfect, but he was a warm and decent man, who tried to give us all the love in the world."

I hope that they will always focus on the positive things, on the sacrifices I willingly made for them, and not criticise the things they had to give up, or the errors I've made, and will certainly continue to make, in raising them. For we have all been someone's child, and we know that despite the very best of plans and efforts, mistakes will always occur. That's just being human.

And when I think about this, of how I hope that my children will not judge me unkindly, and will forgive my shortcomings, I am forced to think of my own father and despite my earlier denials, I am forced to admit that me must have loved me. He did love me, and I know that.

There were little things that showed it. When I was a kid I had a real sweet tooth - we all did. My favourite food was glazed doughnuts and my father knew that. So every few weeks I would come downstairs in the morning and there on the kitchen counter was a bag of glazed doughnuts - no note, no explanation - just the doughnuts. It was like Santa Claus.

Sometimes I would think about staying up late at night, so I could see him leave them there, but just like with Santa Claus, I didn't want to ruin the magic for fear that he would never do it again. My father had to leave them secretly at night, so as no one might catch him with his guard down. He was scared of human emotion, he didn't understand it or know how to deal with it. But he did know doughnuts.

And when I allow the floodgates to open up, there are other memories that come rushing back, memories of other tiny gestures, however imperfect, that showed that he did what he could. So tonight, rather than focusing on what my father didn't do, I want to focus on all the things he did do and on his own personal challenges. I want to stop judging him.

I have started reflecting on the fact that my father grew up in the South, in a very poor family. He came of age during the Depression and his own father, who struggled to feed his children, showed little affection towards his family and raised my father and his siblings with an iron fist. Who could have imagined what it was like to grow up a poor black man in the South, robbed of dignity, bereft of hope, struggling to become a man in a world that saw my father as subordinate. I was the first black artist to be played on MTV and I remember how big a deal it was even then. And that was in the 80s!

My father moved to Indiana and had a large family of his own, working long hours in the steel mills, work that kills the lungs and humbles the spirit, all to support his family. Is it any wonder that he found it difficult to expose his feelings? Is it any mystery that he hardened his heart, that he raised the emotional ramparts? And most of all, is it any wonder why he pushed his sons so hard to succeed as performers, so that they could be saved from what he knew to be a life of indignity and poverty?

I have begun to see that even my father's harshness was a kind of love, an imperfect love, to be sure, but love nonetheless. He pushed me because he loved me. Because he wanted no man ever to look down at his offspring.

And now with time, rather than bitterness, I feel blessing. In the place of anger, I have found absolution. And in the place of revenge I have found reconciliation. And my initial fury has slowly given way to forgiveness.

Almost a decade ago, I founded a charity called Heal the World. The title was something I felt inside me. Little did I know, as Shmuley later pointed out, that those two words form the cornerstone of Old Testament prophecy. Do I really believe that we can heal this world, that is riddled with war and genocide, even today? And do I really think that we can heal our children, the same children who can enter their schools with guns and hatred and shoot down their classmates, like they did at Columbine? Or children who can beat a defenceless toddler to death, like the tragic story of Jamie Bulger? Of course I do, or I wouldn't be here tonight.

But it all begins with forgiveness, because to heal the world, we first have to heal ourselves. And to heal the kids, we first have to heal the child within, each and every one of us. As an adult, and as a parent, I realise that I cannot be a whole human being, nor a parent capable of unconditional love, until I put to rest the ghosts of my own childhood.

And that's what I'm asking all of us to do tonight. Live up to the fifth of the Ten Commandments. Honour your parents by not judging them. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

That is why I want to forgive my father and to stop judging him. I want to forgive my father, because I want a father, and this is the only one that I've got. I want the weight of my past lifted from my shoulders and I want to be free to step into a new relationship with my father, for the rest of my life, unhindered by the goblins of the past.

In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.

To all of you tonight who feel let down by your parents, I ask you to let down your disappointment. To all of you tonight who feel cheated by your fathers or mothers, I ask you not to cheat yourself further. And to all of you who wish to push your parents away, I ask you to extend you hand to them instead. I am asking you, I am asking myself, to give our parents the gift of unconditional love, so that they too may learn how to love from us, their children. So that love will finally be restored to a desolate and lonely world.

Shmuley once mentioned to me an ancient Biblical prophecy which says that a new world and a new time would come, when "the hearts of the parents would be restored through the hearts of their children". My friends, we are that world, we are those children.

Mahatma Gandhi said: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Tonight, be strong. Beyond being strong, rise to the greatest challenge of all - to restore that broken covenant. We must all overcome whatever crippling effects our childhoods may have had on our lives and in the words of Jesse Jackson, forgive each other, redeem each other and move on.

This call for forgiveness may not result in Oprah moments the world over, with thousands of children making up with their parents, but it will at least be a start, and we'll all be so much happier as a result.

And so ladies and gentlemen, I conclude my remarks tonight with faith, joy and excitement.
From this day forward, may a new song be heard.
Let that new song be the sound of children laughing.
Let that new song be the sound of children playing.
Let that new song be the sound of children singing.
And let that new song be the sound of parents listening.

Together, let us create a symphony of hearts, marvelling at the miracle of our children and basking in the beauty of love.

Let us heal the world and blight its pain.

And may we all make beautiful music together.

God bless you, and I love you.”

Courtersy of Vicky V-Ronnica, 2010.

The Moment that "US" no longer exist

Before, we never see ourselves as two, but one single entity

I thought of you knowing I am in your mind too

We hate the space between us, because we still miss each other although sitting side by side

Being with you, hunger and thirst are delusional, couldn't even bother if the world is coming to an end

Because ...

I only see me in you and feel you in me.

But today, as the world evolves around

Things never stay the same

The way you look into my eyes

I see, those eyes aren't the one

Turning me into a stranger

Telling me in your arms, I can no longer stay

Not long I realise

There is no more us in you and our love in me.

Lesson for today

Just Dance

Mode: Just Dance by Lady Gaga.

Even up to now, I'm still figuring da direction I shud partake in life once my Korean vacation-cum-한국 learning coming to an end. I've done everything dat I can 2 seek da direction but all means end up unconvincingly. Few things I realised - 1st, its not me 2 figure how my future lies n how its gonna happen cuz its not my duty, not even within my power 2 do so. 2nd, as history tells me, I'm sick of planning n figuring wats gonna happen next cuz I'm da 1 who will be frustrated if its not materialised n bcuz I've put too much hope n did everything @ my utmost best, I'll end up broken into pieces n pointing da blame @ everything, every1, including myself.

For sure, I know dats not healthy.

So instead, I want to stop worrying about my future. I wont expect too much but wud rather lead life as it is meant 2 b 4 me. Nothing more and nothing less. I will just make da best out of everything dat is laid down in front of me. Talking about expectation, I truly learnt a lot. Looking @ my current situation, b4 stepping my foot onto the Land of Sonata, Korea has always be in my mind as a place I really wanna be @. Beautiful places (n ppl too!), a balanced between modernity and ancient, my 2nd romantic place after Paris, love, romance - everything I imagined are 2 b here. Although part of the miscalculate imagination go to Korean dramas which exaggerating on da notion of love n relationship, it is still my fault 4 failing 2 differentiate btw wat exist in da dramas (a form of fantasy) n in da real world (reality). N it wasnt too long 4 me 2 find da line btw da 2 as my 1st day in Korea turned out 2 b a disaster (I've told you in my last entry). It didnt turned out as wat I wanted it 2 b (based on da drama).

Hence, I dun want 2 make myself a fool again by expecting much in d future. I dun want 2 b heartbroken again (although kinda like immunised to it after going through many times). I will keep da '10 list I wanna do/have/go b4 I die', but I wont push myself too hard towards achieving da list. I will juz do stuffs dat redeemed neccessary n reasonable n pray da best out of it. Ppl say, rather than counting wat u dun av, look @ wat u already av. Despite of my not-so-many-properties (comparing 2 others of d same age as mine), I still av passion, determination, n self-esteem 2 proceed life. No matter wat brings me to, I'll fly and dance with grace and wif full conscience dat God allows me 2 live 4 another day. So Live !!!

I'll go wherever da wind takes me, watever destiny lies in front of me. I will try 2 accept, 2 embrace n 2 make da best out of it. I wont be afraid if its a wrong direction in d end, cuz I always av something dat God spares for me still. N dat is TIME! Time is all I av to heal da wound (altho da scar wud still remain) n 2 make things rite. Paolo Coelho wasnt leading a gud life when he was young. Some say Shakespeare was illiterate and poor while he was @ his teenage years. N I dun av 2 remind da history of Bill Gates ere, do I?

Wat I'm trying 2 say ere is not dat - u av 2 b a bad person or leading a dark history in order 2 b a great idol. Dat is juz a stupid thing 2 believe wif. But da point is, a bad beginning doesnt render dat its 4ever gonna be da same. Existing failures doesnt hold u 4ever 2 b a failed person. @ times, it doesnt really matter how u start, but u end it. Becuz we av more power n courage 2 make a gud ending despite having a bad start. N miracles happen in so many unexpected ways. N u dun know when da magic stick will point @ u n turn ur life into brightness. Well, Cinderella (during her misery life wif her step family) didnt know dat she will meet a fairy dat will turn her into a princess, so to speak.

So ere I am, preparing myself 4 nothing known. Expecting no more n no less than wat it shud be, and count God's blessings dat He has bestowed upon me up 2 dis point. N immediately I feel da burden lightens, worriness disappears, da cloudy/smoky skies swept away by da shining sun. Its lightstrays penetrate sharply n hit da ground, clearing da atmosphere from darkness. N not long, I started 2 smile again. A sign for encouragement. A sing for new hope. A sign for a new -slash- tough beginning.


PS Any idea where's Zokhri Idris' next destination? I wonder how's life being a New Yorker *wink*


May it wud be another brite day 2moro,
ZI

Wind, My Saviour

In the days of uncertainties, in between brightness and darkness, I wish for the wind. For not knowing the destiny and fate, I just want the wind. For tired been running, I call for the wind. To make me fly. Just spreading my wings and fly. Wherever it takes, whatever it makes. The world is round, the ground is flat. Life could just re-start. So take me o wind. Wherever you blow, I will simply go. I will think of nothing but only to fly. So the heart, for a while, will no longer cry...

Zokhri Idris
2315 - 8th June 2010

God Is Fair

Mode: Where Is The Love by B.E.P.


Its juz @ d rite timing!


In da midst of lobbying 4 support 2 sanction North Korea following an one-sided proven sinking of Cheonan ship, the world's attention now shifts 2 da massacre attack of Mavi Marmara on which on a humanitarian mission 2 Palestine. In less than a forthnite,after US, South Korea and Japan alliance agreed 2 sentence the North Korea for its missile attack, da Israelis Army had ambushed a Flotilla humanitarian mission to Palestine which caused severe injuries and brutal killings. Both causes are significantly critical especially to US 'so-called' superpower because.

- both involves maritime casualties.
- both involves lost of lives (although da latter Mavi Marmara had ppl left unwounded)


- Da differences r only:
One (the latter) is done by US' ally while the another is by US enemy.
One is not totally proven ( the US, Sweden, UK, Australia dun count as a single valid judgment ) while da other, not only proven, but admitted by its Minister of Defence yang lahanat* tue


When these news known to me, only 3 words I can think of - GOD IS FAIR.


Why?


So now, the self-claimed 'world police' has to also judge Israel's unlawful and barbaric attack on Mavi Marmara n 2 do wat is deemed to be rite. Although I remain being sceptical as the US would indicate its strong objection to its ally, but @ least da world is more confident dat indeed, we cant trust the US 2 b impartial and sincere in solving world's crisis. Da more dat dis confidence rises, a better hope for da world bloc to unite 2 against Israelis violence and US unfair treatment. Its just a matter of time dat da world will turn its back 2 US n Israel. N I wud b more rightly 2 say, perhaps, now da world is already aware n conscious on da double standard treatment of da US and Israel to the Palestinians, but it hasnt reached 2 a level dat they have da courage n bravery 2 punish da offenders n made them liable for wat they've done. N dis wud b da last chance 4 Israel 2 change or otherwise it is digging its grave deeper n deeper. ( Da digging has started long time ago )


Dats y I think God is Fair and God Knows Best on how 2 execute His Plan.


Zokhri's sidenote:
On da other hand, I'm doubtful whether it was da North who launched da missile attack to South's Cheonan ship. Although Kim Jong Il is old (some say he's ill) but I dun think he is stupid enuff 2 ignite a war while da country is vulnerable n incapable 2 go into war Da North still need da South as da largest exporting destination. For trade purposes and logically, until its economy is stable enuff 2 sustain, only then they will break da tie. And considering da fact dat da South and US alliance have an advanced satellite technology, who monitored 24/7 on North progress hours by hours, how can they not see dat coming? N I dun av 2 remind on d one sided investigation mechanism by the South.



* "lahanat" means God's curse be upon him/them.

Mid-Life Crisis

Survey:

Have u ever been into a situation called "MidLife Crisis (MLC)?"
YES/NO
If YES, kindly share ur views.
If NO, kindly ignore dis post, but remember, sooner or later, u will.


Do U know what is a MidLife Crisis?
If YES, OK
If NO, proceed below for description.


If u google it, 3 main results will appear. Nevertheless, I define MLC as a state in life where u r @ a crossroad, clueless on which direction u shud take. It normally happens when u've accomplished a huge mission in life (like graduate from univ, had enough wif existing job, your relationship is at the cliff hanging) or simply u dunno wat will u do wif ur life. As da name propagates, it strikes to middle-aged individuals (30-40 years of age). But due 2 sum exceptional circumstances, it mite happen earlier than u expected. Juz like in my case.


I know wat I want in life. I've imagined wat sort of lifestyle I desire in future. I've also imagined 2 spend my remaining years in a countryside house, surrounded by mountains n streams - fishing in da morning, cooking 4 lunch, gardening in d afternoon, n reading/writing till bed time (of course I av 2 beribadah a.k.a. worshipping God too since my past is full of sins =)


I want 2 b a writer who able 2 inspire d world. I want 2 b known bcuz of my aspiration n inspiration in making da world as a better place 2 live on. I want 2 av my own publication, TV programme production (like Oprah's Ellen Degeneres or like TED.com). If I av enuff money, I want 2 build a boarding skewl in any of da failed states, guiding children 2 change their life n escape from poverty. I want 2 build houses 4 da abandoned child, so dat they'll know, they arent alone in dis world without love n care.


But bcuz my dreams arent look alike da majority ones, I am stuck not knowing wat shud I do next. Wat I mean by majority ones like - I want 2 b a successful surgeon so once I graduated from med skewl, I'll go into practicing -or- I want 2 b rich, hence I gonna start me own business -or- I want 2 b top lawyer/engineer/lecturer...so dis is wat I will do. But I want 2 b more than dat. Beyond existing career n sumting more meaningful in (my) life. N da destination seems 2 b far n blur, making me stranded n not moving.


I juz completed my MA n now receiving few offers 4 my postgrad studies. I am in a state of considering each and everyone of em. Da thing is, despite I luv 2 explore knowledge n enjoy da privilleges being a student, da other reason is becuz I hate working n being employed. Shirooooooooooooo. So even though I dunno wat shall I do (4 sure), one thing I know (4 sure) is I dun want 2 b employed in corporate and practising world.


OK str8 2 d point, dis is wat I got so far:-

a) An offer 2 pursue my 2nd MA in Political Science (Social and Political Theory) at Central European University with full tuition fee waiver. Which means I've 2 work my ass 2 pay my bills still.

b) I'm applying 4 da same course in Korea wif full scholarship @ SNU and Yonsei.
Bonus - Maybe I be able 2 master 한국 (Korean) as my 4th language.
Sub-bonus - I've promised 2 my fav Kpop star dat I will wait 4 him, currently serving military training *wink*. Only then I can leave Korea in peace *winking again*

c) I can write 2 local unis in Malaysia stating my interest in joining academia. From da contacts been made, they r likely want me 2 join service n I can rest assured 2 my Doctorate course since it will be taken care of.
Bonus - I can see LSE, Kings, Bigben, Tower Bride, and Her Majesty The Queen welcoming me
Disadvantageous - Me arse will b bonded wif em for 7 years!!! N academia world in Malaysia is not dat healthy frankly speaking.


Hence now, Im stuck @ a cross-road, wif 3 directions. Each of em has its gud/bad side 2 offer. Da think is, none of dis directly leads me 2 my dreams. I am juz pursuing a realistic plan in life, being mid 30++ who doesnt av savings n specific commitments (like marriage). Unless miracles strikes, I am afraid I juz av 2 endure wif da ordinary planning. Meanwhile I can start 2 work on my 1st publication.


So if u were me, wat wud u do? 어떻가지?


"When U dont know what to do, get still. The answer will come." -Oprah-

F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S

I admit dat da last two entries arent good. They are so demotivating and frustrating. One of the feedbacks I received saying dat I am renowned 4 Melancholic expertise bcuz my life is full of misery n melancholy. And I dun deny such claims. I accept it, knowing dat it is exactly my life I'm portraying in Asignofthecreator. Asignofthecreator is created 2 allow d author 2 b true 2 himself n 2 loyal viewers. It holds no secret of d owner cuz he believes, dis is da least place he is not afraid being himself 2 d public.


Truth b told, after every drizzles, a mirage of 7 beautiful stripes will appear. And we call it Rainbow. Da past few days made me think n wonder, why is my life being so hard n tragic? (dat made me become a self-inaugurated Professor in Melancholic and Sadness Science) I posted an entry b4, since I am born all-wronged, I av no other options but 2 endure dis life as long as it lasts. I recite my birthday wishes/prayers everyday, but I guess God hasnt listened 2 it yet. Still nothing changed. Suddenly I remembered, a great fren of mine ( I cudnt reveal da name since I havent obtained her consent, but she's a hell gud writer) wrote sumting on one being fearless n how 2 pursue life with a less sense of being fear. I believe, dis is also parallel 2 wat Taylor Swift claims on da power of one being fearless in every possible avenue 2 b fear (especially in relationship)


To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS. (Taylor Swift, 2008)


N I partly agree wif dat, bearing in mind dat its easier sed than done!. While admitting dat having faith in luv is necessary, I view happiness in life comes from multi-angles n direction. N L.O.V.E. is one of em. N one's Happiness/Satisfaction is not defined by others surrounding you. Ur happiness is set on ur own needs n measurement. Thus being fearless 2 me is not only dedicated 4 luv, but how 2 gain happiness in life. So, after a sip of Topresso Americano n a deep breath, dis is wat I deliberate on one being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. in life.


Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is when we accepted da past n its grievances but wudnt carry da baggage into da future. It's da state of acknowledging dat human makes mistake in order 2 grow old naturally n never afraid 2 make one. Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is also not 2 count da chances u've forfeited in da pasts, but always allow 2 make a new start. Rather than calculating how many years u've busted, count on da years u have remaining 2 make it right. By being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S., u r not 2 worry if things dun go ur way because dere always be a slight chance 2 make it work. U r not sighing every morning u wake up saying 'its gonna b another hell' but remind urself dat everyday, u create ur own history (Vicky, 2009). It doesnt mean u've reached d end n accept ur defeat bcuz as long as u r living, u will never stop fighting. U will only rest when u r put 2 rest. No matter how many times u've fallen (off da track) U will raise and race. Above all, F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is an art of cherishing what is given, learning the mistakes, and moving on, making a step (or a big leap) under da name of faith. N faith is not 2 b thought, but 2 b lived!


ps
so wat do u think comparing Swift's version and mine? I know she writes longer and well established, but will I get some credentials for deliberating mine? *wink*

Can A Cure Be A Poison?

Sweet as it is, turning my days into a misery

HOPE it was meant to be, running through my heart killing me softly.

P.S.

And I want you to know, there's no moment in my life spent putting the blame on you. Instead 졍말 감사합니다.

A Prisoner's Cry

Can a cure be a poison?

How can an angel caused so much pain?

A soul-less prisoner I am

Shackled, suffocating being in vain

Can a strength be a weakness?

How can a saviour turns to be a killer?

I wish I could decipher

In the end still, I am a loser

U came, U conquered, U shined in the dark

U left, unknowingly leaving a mark

Why this could be happening?

Wondering how this could be true

No matter how far I ran

To the deepest ocean I went

It is still the smell of your scent

Once, U lead me the way

Turning me into a helpless prey

Your true heart will never be at guilty

Ironically as it be

My heart will never be happy

U gave me light which turns me blind

U gave me hope which sweeps my blissful behind

Why O Lord?

Why dear heart?

A stupid and foolish I am

Sipping a poison which once was a cure

To be in tears which once was a smile

As a saviour turns to be a killer

I've stopped running, falling, waiting to die.



- Another lonely night, cry a tearing heart -
- 0156 May 22nd 2010 -

The Notion of Jealousy

I unders10 wat it takes 2 b jealous. When sum1 has sumting dat u r craving 4, jealousy will grow in u. Dats natural 4 every homosapien. Erkk ... I'm not sure whether animals av da same cuz I probably havent encounter any theory proving dat. Maybe yes cuz jealousy derives from da heart (a form of feeling) n not from da brain. And I been taught dat da only line between a human and non-human is dat humans av mind 2 think n non-humans dun. So, probably animals cud also (very low assumption) cud feel jealous. Maybe no becuz animals av a less interaction between themselves as humans do. Or less-complicated than wat we usually interact. Its either u r my enemy or our side dat kinda thing.


But human jealousy takes place in different forms, depending on circumstances. We say it cud b 4 da +'ve side and -'ve side. Whether its 4 a gud cause or supposed 4 da bad cause, @ times its intertwined wif da 2 dat makes me hard 2 unders10 da rite of a person 2 b jealous.


Recently, I happened 2 b involved in Facebook-status-war with an old fren. Well, he doesnt consider me as a fren, frankly speaking. D thing is, I only dropped few lines 2 his bf ( I assume so, cuz sumtimes their ups n downs r pretty difficult 2 b figured...told ya forbidden love is hardly @ peace) of concerns since its been a while we last talked. How long "a while" means, I dun dare 2 comment. N suddenly dis envious fren, launched his missiles 2 me out of my gud faith. OK I admit, da three of us involved in a not-so-real triangle relationship (cuz dere was never a time I felt love 2 any2 of em) n I sorted it out totally n moved on pursuing my happiness life meeting more ppl from other side of d globe. But I guess, dis isnt da case 4 him. Whether he is still b traumatised, haunted, hard 2 move on I dunno? Its like helloooowwww wats ur prob, pal?


So I played "scrabble", putting jealousy in da middle, n try 2 find a reason 2 feel dat based on da characters of J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. N dis is wat I got:


L - Love
Simple answer. I guess every1 knows. U'll envy when sum2 dat u luv is being wif sum1 n not U. As much as you want him/her 2 b wif U, dat much of jealousy dat u develop knowing him/her r with sum1. Da more dat u crave 4 his/her love, caring, smile n remembrance, da higher da jealousy metre rises.


E - insEcured
Relating 2 d 1st one, fearing u mite lose love, U'll feel insecured every single moment he's not being wif u, n it drives u nuts n worried. U wonder, has his/her feelings diminished 4 u bcuz s/he wif sum1 or calculating da possibilities dat u no longer significant in his/her life. In dat case, u r probably rite 2 b jealous.


S - low Self esteem
Insecurity caused likely by low-self esteem. Comparing urself n ur competitor, u mite think dat U r lacking of sumting dat da other side is gud @. Of course nobody is perfect. Wat u av mite not av in others n vice-versa. But bcuz love intervenes, dat makes u afraid of losing love n da loved ones while inferiority complex starts 2 put its devil hats...n seeing ur love is wif sum2 dat u think is much better than thou, u feel envy and makes u uneasy.


U - no trUst
Also, without wind n storms, everything meant 2 b a disaster. n dat i mean becuz u lack of/dun have trust in ur relationship. Ever heard Savage Garden's Affirmation dat "I believe trust is more important than monogamy"? It all balls down 2 faith n trust u put in da other half in ur relationship. Furthermore, dis is da core foundation in any relationship. Unless trust is not securely built from da start, ur relationship will never ending encounter conflicts n complications. Series of dramas mite only be justifications 4 ur jealousy, but it seems ur relationship is not stable n probably "right" from d very beginning. N I know dis 4 sure.


A - finding fAult
Ermm I guess dis is surprising niu. U feel jealous bcuz it never meant 2 b luv, but merely highlighting da mistakes of sum1 u 'allegedly' in love with. U want 2 make him/her realise dat s/he is not trustworthy n holds d blame w everything. U intend 2 prove ur so-called unquestionable sincerity n make him/her suffer. Clearly I dun want 2 pin-point anybody, but I guess one cud probably know him/herself better. Da one @ a disadvantageous side is da innocent party, who profusely been blamed 4 his misconducts-in-love under the name of ill-faith jealousy. N I feel sorry 2 those who belong 2 dis category, 4 frequently been blamed without a strong ground of justification. Worst, s/he has no 'alibi' 2 defend da accusation.


So dere u go. I juz got 5 causes of jealousy from 5 characters of L-E-S-U-A. Mind helping me into looking da remaining alphabets please? Calling for relationship experts 4 contribution.


Again,
I BELIEVE TRUST IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONOGAMY

WHAT I WISH FOR MY BIRTHDAYS

May 3rd passed not so long time ago. I received warmth (da important thing is decent) celebration by ppl surrounding me. Thank you and I thank God for sending em 2 me on my special day. Being a quarter of century ++, my frens been asking wat cud b da 소물 (gift) I wish 4 my birthday dis year. N I think dats pretty tough 2 answer, although @ d moment, I crave 4 many things. But birthday gifts shud b sumting different. Sumting I can have using my limited savings. Also, not an object dat listed under -wat-a-25++-year-old-chap-shud-have.


I need not a house, since I dunno where and when will be my next stop.
Not even a car cuz I hate driving (read:not dat I dunno hokay). Plus I dun av a permanent residence.
Financial Savings? Well, I spend wat I earn, thus I dun av savings. Also, I cant b sue whether I'll b exist till 2moro 2 withdraw my savings.
Marriage? A Family? Sorry, I dun reckon both as objects, neither as my priorities @ da mo.


But last few days, I think I've found sumting dat I really want, n I will keep on asking 4 it, untill I finally av. N I've proclaimed dat dis shud b da same birthday present wishes 4 d next coming birthdays, as long as I live.


I wish/desire/dream/aim to have

A WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S PLAN AND GOD'S WAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEING ALIVE.


N now comes the whys:

1st, I always believe da existence of a superpower dat regulates da universe n da world order. He creates, He arranges, and He executes all His arrangements. I believe dat His Arrangements work best 4 us cuz He knows wats best 4 us, His created immortals. But dere r certain things dat I dun unders10 n find it hard 2 accept. Dat is not 2 say dat I hold any objection to Him, rather criticise Him, but I am profusely suffering in deciphering da meaning behind all da things He made 4. Upon reaching da deadlock, I end up hurting myself unknowingly.


I dun unders10 y natural disasters like earthquakes av 2 happen in a poor countries like Haiti, Indonesia neither 2004 Tsunami in Indonesia, Bangladesh, Sri Langka n its neighbouring vicinities? Arent dis ppl suffered enuff from their current conditions? Wats da need of punishing em more from wat they already bear?


I dun unders10 y He allows wars, genocide, massive massacres 2 happen. Clearly, its a bad will 4 human n juz making human civilisation 2 deteriorate. When the Bush admin was planning 2 attack Afghanistan and latter Iraq, I prayed n wished dat He will stop em from happening. But it didnt stop. N me heart torn into parts looking @ d helpless women n children, enduring da pain wif bloods n dust all over their bodies. Why cud He stop em?


I dun unders10 y is He making sum ppl life miserable while s/he is a gud servant @ da same time, giving extra luxury 2 ill-hearted persons. Ever wonder y suddenly a healthy lifestyle man who never smoke, drink suddenly knowing his life is coming 2 an end? Isnt it a man deserves wat he deserves n shud earn wat he is entitled 2 av. Arent u tired enuff listening ppl complaining 'Life Isnt Fair'? N reality often replies, 'because life will never be fair.'


Above all,


I dun unders10 y is He creating sum1 2 b all wrong, while dat person has no freedom 2 choose from d beginning. Wats da punishment 4 a baby 2 b born handicapped, born wif fatal disease which clearly s/he has nothing 2 do dat made him/her rendering da consequences. On a different perspective, if da gays n lesbians av a choice 2 b born as str8, normal n ordinary ppl, juz like da others do, Im sure we no longer av em. I'm sure they dun want 2 b born as they r in now cuz having a forbidden love on a forbidden r/ship will never b @ peace. But its juz dat they dun av da courage 2 make it rite, cuz making a decision seems 2 b easy, but choosing a rite one n to live through in a rite decision, in which, is not u after all will never be easy.


Dere r many things dat dun work out perfectly in my life. N I've struggling hard 2 meet its wisdom so dat I can lead my life in bliss, gaining da strength 2 "Let Go" and "Moving On." But dere's always 1 think dat I never b able 2 deal wif. Why is He creating me all wronged while I dun av da chance 2 choose in da beginning? Even if da past life truly exist, wat av I done wrong dat makes me suffering from such unbearable upbringing? @ 1st I take it as God wants me 2 b strong n able 2 find d light. Da truth is - I'm still trapped in da dark, n I find myself exhausting in finding da light. Frustration, Hurt, Despair, Misery, Loneliness ... u name it. I do know wat it means n actually feel wat it means.


I dun wish 2 b born like dis, n I'm suffocating being me, wat more 2 make things rite. Why r U doing dis 2 me, dear Lord?

Why it is me dat U choose?

And I want nothing from U, but to know why. So dat, I know how 2 move on, accepting my life if not make it better.



God
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things that I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference ...

TIME IS ALL I NEED ...

Today, my 1 month effort of dedication n determination is evaluated. Not to my surprise, it didn't turn out well =). Da reason I can smile still is because I accepted it with an open heart (after one BigMac Happy Meal course few hours after da evaluation been released). Also, after a 'F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G' spell said by my special -slash- personal motivator b4 leaving da Academy. Although I pretty much cud guess da outcome of da evaluation, but open officially seeing it wif my own eyes, many thoughts came 2 my mind, dat sumhow made me questioning whether wat I am doing is rite.

Wait, 착가만요, of course I know it is rite. It's sumting dat I really wanted, n thank God, I av da opportunity n strength 2 do it. Surely, I shud b gr8ful 4 every single minute passed, counting all of God's mercy along da way. But wif such a low score dat I obtained, I cudnt lie by saying I'm happy regardless. U C, dere r few lil things I want 2 do in life (like learning Hangul for example) and bcuz its sumting dat I really wanting 2 do, I've put most of my effort ( I wudnt dare 2 say 2 da fullest bcuz I keep on saying dis is merely an educational vacation, not a serious study course ). 2 make dis thing successfully achieved, I've stayed back after class 2 revise da lessons (ok2 dere's another reason too n u know it), unembarassingly knocking on my 선생님 door asking 4 repeatition n clarification n etc. n partly da result impliedly telling, its not enuff!


정말요? Really?


Prior 2 da exam, my special motivator n I had a talk. ermm a pep-talk if u like. Its bcuz I c myself sailing wif no specific direction in studies. Bcuz da vocabs, grammar (owh da korean particles 박짐 r killing me) speaking skills all combusted @ a time, I lose focus. I dunno wat shud I emphasise on since I'm lacking of all em. But my personal motivator sed, take it easy Zokhri-sshi! As a beginner, we wont expect much that wat a beginner shud know. By knowing how 2 construct a simple sentence n read, dats already in itself an achievement. Believing wat he sed is reasonable, I faced da exam with enuff sleep and free from stress. After all, learning is fun.

We also reached 2 a point dat, ALL I NEED IS TIME! Dun set a specific (impossible) target, but juz enjoy da learning process as every language is all about discovering new things, engage wif it n apply it in daily life. N dere's no special formulae like how many hours a day shud u study or how many things shud u know by time, but juz sail it through n let it flows in ur heart n mind. In da end, dis is wat we call as learning by heart, n not for passing exams!

n 2day I felt da feeling back when I was 13, when getting my results 4 my 1st test in Arabic language. ( I got 40% and got 46% for Hangul ). I can still remember how nearly I was 2 give it up n juz focus on sumting I'm realy gud @ (English Language I think). Da same feeling strikes me now after being experiencing it 14 years ago. Da only difference is - @ least now I'm having Arabic as my 3rd language.
NOTE: Juz AVERAGE ok.. wif not-so-bad skills 2 read, 2 write n 2 communicate.
N when I recall all da sweat n tears of learning Arabic, I am convinced dat learning language is never gonna be easy!! ( I dun believe dat dere is a language in dis worl dat is easily 2 b learnt ). Its challenging, demanding but despite its everlasting reward, I'm doing it bcuz I want 2 do it. n da reason of wanting 2 do it is bcuz it's sumting dat I like.

So I think, I shudnt have a slight doubt whether wat I am doing now is going 2 turn out well. It will in da end!!! Plus I know dat Im not dat lazy n stup. Its juz dat God is testing me 2 ask, whether I am really determined 2 do dis. Da answer cud only be 2:

1) I'VE LOST MY DETERMINATION. n I will remain as a person within my confort zone, who satisfy by knowing his native language, English and Arabic.

2) I STILL HAVE THE DETERMINATION. n I will face dis failure as a stepping stone 4 a long term -slash- success satisfaction. I will identify my handicaps n try 2 improve it from time 2 time. No pressure. No stress. Just enjoyment & patience.



After all I gone through, (wif da 6 month planning n 7 years of being a 할류 Hallyu), do u think its a worthwhile 2 opt 4 da 2nd answer?

Indeed, FAILURE IS A DEFERRED SUCCESS !!!

주그리 씨, 바이팅 !!!!

I Wish I Could Decipher Ppl

Maybe dis entry relates with the 1 posted earlier. As previously mentioned, I received a warm acceptance by da ppl around me in Seoul. Whenever I go 2 skewl, my 선셍님 (teacher) will greet me wif her smile, my personal motivator will drop some conversation wif me, making me 2 look 4ward 4 da next schooling day. @ home, da house owner will say hi n ask 'how do u do 2day?' And because I dunno much how to elaborate, 긴자나요 (I'm just fine) is da only word I replied with a sincere smile.

I am surrounded by caring ppl n profusely feel b blessed 4 coming 2 Korea. And no words cud express how appreciate I am 2 av lived ere.

Recently, one of my frens, who has been staying in Korea for 5 years told me sumting wen we talked bout Korea and its ppl. While we established da fact dat Koreans r generally -emphasis added- caring n luving, @ times, they do dat bcuz of few reasons. U see, da world we r living now is full of motives n hidden agenda. U r obliged 2 do sumting (extraordinary) bcuz of a factor dat pushes u 2 do so. Clearly I'm not making dis as a thumb-rule 4 every1. But, we arent wrong either 2 make dis assumption as a precautionary note when dealing wif ppl. Just not 2 make urself hurt in da end, enw.

So we listed down few possible reasons, taking dis few ppl round me as samples of da experiment:

FIRST, business-customer relationship.
Because I'm legally a rentee of da apartment, n a stud @ my skewl, they owe a duty 2 make me satisfied wif da service they provided. Otherwise, I'll pack up n go.

SECOND, I am a foreigner.
Plus, having an effort 2 learn Korean language n culture on top of dat. So they feel appreciated because why-on-earth-sum1-wants-to-learn-Hangul-since-its-not-da-world-language-enw dat kinda thing.

THIRD, I'm naturally friendly (n talkative too - fellow Malaysians kindly read it as 'keypoh' hokay not 'gediks')
Despite my low proficiency in Hangul, I'm trying me best 2 accommodate ppl around me in 항국. This includes saying anything dat I know, s long s 2 make da sentence relevant 2 da conversation. However, da failure rate is much higher than its success.

FOURTH, quoting a friend, I'm delicate, fragile, gentle and soft, in which they feel sorry 2 me.
2 c me alone in dis big city wif no 1 to hold on to, no 1 2 rely on, making em feel symptahised. And I know, ppl never regard me as physically strong n tough due 2 my natural personality which suggests otherwise.

N dis strikes me str8 2 da face. I am fully aware of my personality n conditions ere in Korea, but I never meant em 2 b da causes 3 ppl 2 sympathise me. 4give me, a snobbish arrogant lad I m not, but I dun need ppl's sympathy. If u want 2 sympathise ppl, go n look urself 2 da 3rd world countries n da failure states. Look, @ their children n women. They r da 1 who need our concerns. Not a delicate soft personality like me who stands on his own feet facing wat we call L-I-F-E.

When dis thot circling my mind, it urges me 2 av a face 2 face talk asking - Y u been so nice 2 me? Izzit bcuz u think I'm ........................ . I wish I cud av da 6th sense 2 unders10 their feelings n motives. Not becuz I doubt em, not even 2 depreciate their concerns, but I juz dun want ppl 2 feel sorry 4 me. Becuz of a simple reason - I dunt feel sorry 2 myself.

On a different picture, I m also subjected 2 ppl hatredness. While dis is a minority scenario (n I cudnt b bothered but I wish 2 know - wat av I done dat makes u hate me so much? Wat sins av I committed dat u think I'm da worst ever creature living on dis world?

Either 4 luving me or hating me, I know its all 4 a reason(s). 4 every smile, concern, n ur anger eyes, I need 2 know da reasons. 4 every complexity n mystery of ur heart n its feelings, I wish 2 know da explanation. Isnt everything dat happened, happens 4 a reason? N my solitude lil wish is da opportunity 2 unders10 em.

Cud dis b so demanding 4 me 2 ask for?

After all, da tranquility in life is based on wisdom dat created from discovering, learning, accepting, n embracing da reasons.

ZI
세울 Seoul 1/5/2010

A FORTHNITE AND I'M STILL SURVIVING

Current location: Seoul


It has past forthnite since I’ve landed in Korea. Forgive me for not updating da posts as da past few weeks been too occupied for an adjustment. Well 2 b honest, not dat bz ever since my vacation epiphany has preventing my arses from engaging in any activities apart from sleeping, eating n eating and attending 항국 classes (hey, @ least dere’s one serious thing ere I do, peeps). It is also not 2 say I’m finding myself hard 2 re-orientate myself from being a full-time student in Japan to a full-time tourist n part-time 항국 student in Seoul. I think I’m easily adapted to new environment considering da level of flexibility, tolerance and liberalism dat I have. –ngeeeeeeeee-


@ 1st, I held a serious reservation on Korea n da Koreans. I faced few difficulties on my early days of arrival. For instance, despite been telling my apartment owner (they call it 하숙 here) on my arrival time @ da place, he was out n made me waiting in cold 4 1 hour. Luckily one of da rentees was kind enuff 2 ring him asking his whereabouts n he immediately rushed back. Kamsahamnida.


I also thot n still holding a perception dat da peeps ere r less considerate n so blatant. Every time my shoulders been hit hardly while strolling on a busy street, I can never expect dat person will turn back n offers an apology. Instead they will just walk off as if nothing happens. Contrary 2 my previous 6 months in Japan, even a slight contact wud render 2 people to nod down and apologise. It made you even want 2 apologise 2 another although its entirely not ur fault who caused such pokes. But dun expect da same courtesy ere in Korea.


This does not mean I’m saying they r rude. They aren’t in fact (in a way). Its just dat sumtimes, a society is meant 2 b less considerate naturally. I can understand dat cuz I myself come from a society more or less da same picturised da Koreans (in certain aspects, its even worst).


Another situation, while I hardly heard ppl honking on da road (while I was in da UK and Japan) ere I am nearly immuned 2 it. Sumtimes I wonder why cant ppl juz b lil’ patient n try 2 understand other road users? Cars cud juz break down, u cud b daydreaming seeing its still red while it’s already GREEN, or u cud juz loose ur focus when u r on da road. But I guess, as long as I’m not driving I dun bother dat much.


Now cums 2 da +’ve sides n I think it dilutes da previous points I’ve raised b4 – in a way.

Koreans r a loving n caring society. Because they are honest 2 wat they feel, they dun hesitate 2 express it 2 others. Many young couples (n old too) r seen 2 b affectionate by da romance blossoming in their relationship. Holding hands, whispering, laughing, smiling and teasing each other r everywhere when u r on public which appear 2 feel how strong their loves are. U r bound 2 feel dat love is all they need 4 a day, fearing dere will b no tomorrow. N I find dat sweet n brave. Not many av da guts 2 express their feelings 2 da other party in public. It takes a strong motivation for u 2 tell da world dat, hey-we-r-in-love and we truly enjoy each other.


And as usual, I am left alone 2 ‘sightseeing’ dis romance while I’ve no one important in my life now. Lonely as I am, still, I feel happy 2 c happiness in other ppl eyes.


Da Koreans (in my observation) r caring too. Dis leads 2 my personal experience encountering with PJS (no names, OK) working as student affairs executive @ my skewl. From da very beginning of our meeting, he welcomes all my queries n demands wif a smile, n open hand. Dere was once I needed 2 enquire about 영산 (Yongsan), da biggest electronic town in Korea. Since I wasn’t quite sure on its whereabouts, PJS printed out da map n directions (coloured printed summore!) n on top of dat taking his time 2 explain it 2 me until I understand. In fact, he insists me 2 ring him if I got lost or having problems on da day. N dat day, he is supposed not 2 work n cud leisurely spend time on his own.


Another example wud b a middle-aged 앚어찌 (uncle) who happens 2 b my neighbour. While he speaks very little English and I replied in very little (incorrect) Korean, we got along very well. He bought me some cookies n biscuits upon seeing me enjoying em so much. Once he paid a visit 2 my room 4 a chat n volunteered 2 check on my 쑥제 (homework). I know he cud be lonely staying in his room (his family is in 부산 (Busan) and he will go back 2 his hometown in weekend. But while dere r many others Koreans staying 2gether wif us (whom he can communicate very well) its me dat he spends his after-office time wif. It made me feel dat I’m part of his family.


A housekeeper (whom I call her 앚움마 (auntie) will always greet me when I’m back from skewl. She is aware dat we hardly understand each other but she keeps on being passionate in talking 2 me. She taught me how 2 use da rice cooker n microwave.
SERIOUS NOTE: Its not dat I’m so stupid 2 use those electronic stuffs k. But since everything is in 항국, u wont expect me 2 know every single word.
@ times, she gives me drinks. Soft drinks I mean. Da thing dat touched me is – working as a housekeeper wif dat lil amount of earnings, she still av heart 2 make me feel comfortable living in da apartment. And I’m being treated nicely despite a high-thick barrier between us. 감사합니다 앚움마. I’ll spell ur name in my prayers.



So I guess, all da gud sides av erased da bad ones. N I’m glad dat my days in Korea r filled wif many unexpected beautiful things. Da more dat I discover da place, da more belonging sense I feel. Albeit, my IUJ mate Jordan is right by claiming – “dun get upset wif lil things go wrong, but give urself more time 4 it 2 make it right n 2 discover more nice things around u in Seoul.”


@ dis juncture, he is rite!!!


Annyong peeps!


PS:
I 4get 2 mention 1 important discovery. Statistically, out of 10 peeps I bumped to on da street, 9 r pretty gudlooking. And Im not kidding, for godsake! Dis applies 2 both 여자 (gurls) and 남자 (boys). I say, da Koreans r naturally hawt – which never disappoint me eyes in enjoying God’s creation … U’rrrrrrrrrite ZI!

U'VE BEEN REJECTED, SO WHAT ?!

Dear Son/Gurl,

I am writing dis 2 u in advanced, even b4 meeting ur mother becuz of 1 gr8 reason. I luv u more than u ever do. Strangely, I started 2 feel da love even b4 u were exist rite b4 my eyes. The feeling of protecting u has started b felt in my heart although I av no idea when I cud av thou. People say, love is not meant 2 b seen neither 2 b touched, but it cud still b sensed, even wif sum1 who is yet 2 appear n sum1 who has disappeared before ur eyes.

Partly da reasons being, while da memory is still surfacing n is very dear 2 me, I decided 2 seal it down so dat nothing goes missing n misleading. Ur father has come to many phases in life and relationships – to its ups and downs, been into da light of hope n darkness of despondency, both da beauty of loyalty and the trauma betrayal, been idolated and been disown. Everything! A perfect father certainly I am not, children. But becuz of these various flavours I av tasted in my life (n later 2 experience) perhaps, I have no regret in my life and in getting old.

@ dis age, U must av desired 4 loads of things. To succeed in life (be wif career n studies) including in L.OV.E. but shud dis doesn’t go as in da way u desired it 2 b, feel worry not, as your father always tell himself that indeed, ‘failure is a delayed success.’ So take these advices deep 2 ur heart, av em a thought may you find the world is not ending yet, but has many unexplored rooms of happiness waiting 4 u.

1. U’VE BEEN REJECTED BY THE 2 DAT U LOVED

First, never ever thot dat it is luv dat rejects u. And u shud not put the blame to love, either. Love has nothing 2 do wif it. Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceded.It is never rude or selfish.It does not take offence It is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but always delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure ... whatever comes. The one dat doesn’t need u is ur ex. So be it!!! Let him/her go! U av given him/her a chance 2 b part in ur life n 4 u 2 be his/hers. But things dun work out. So pack up and leave! Cherish da sweet things s/he has done 2 u. Never hate him/her but u shud thank da person for giving urself both 2 try to work things out 2gether.

Tony McCollum said, “when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied 2 anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means dat their part in ur story is over.”

2. BREAK-UPS HURT

YES, True. I never say it isn’t. No one will even say its easy too. 4 da 1^st time in my life when I was 18, I had my first break-up. N u know dat 1^st love is unforgettable. 4 da 1^st time, I cudnt feel da ground n da world has coming 2 an end n found no reason for living. My views are blurring, spinning around in all directions n I cudnt feel myself standing when dat person muttered those “suicidal” words 2 me. But after my eyes ran out of tears, another part of me was saying “I am still young 2 end my life wif dis stupid thing. I can fall in love again, and mend da broken heart. I can b happy again wif my new love.” N I keep on telling myself – dere’s sum1 (out dere) who is still waiting 4 my love. Its just I haven’t found dat person yet. And dat person is still in foreverly waiting. And God purposely wanted u 2 meet da ‘wrong’ ones 1^st b4 giving u da ‘rite’ one. So u will learn and make it better.

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates - but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3. YOU CANT FORGET HIM/HER.

Y shud u forget him/her? After all, s/he was once placed @ a very disctinctive space in ur heart. Forgetting sum1 who was once exist is ike believing dat trees do not exist. So, u shudnt! But do not forget, dat ur chapter wif him/her has come 2 an end. Closed. And life is so friggin boring by aving 1 chapter only. We shud try 2 add as many chapters as we can in order 2 get old properly. Indeed, when a story ends, da new one begins. So move on!! Create a new chapter of urs n make sure u write better dis time. Because u already know da rules of da game. Clearly s/he had betrayed ur trust and I see no point of reconciling and begging things to happen as da way it was b4.

When I was 27, I used 2 listen to “Telephone” by Lady Gaga ft Beyonce (they were the world icon back then) Tellin ya, they were hawt n gorgeous in da vc. n dis was wat they discussed in da vc.

“Trust is like a mirror. You can fix if its broken but u can still see da crack in da mother****er reflection.”

4. YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM/HER

But u can live (so well) b4 meeting him/her. So why judge urself as a wuss n punishing ur life 4 not aving him/her? Look around ya! Ur always stand-by-you parents, supporting sibs (if ur mum is strong enuff to preggie more lah), wonderful frens, above all, The One up there. U av everyone despite of losing sum1. N ur family will always support u. We will b ur wheel 4 u 2 walk, ur wings 4 u 2 fly, ur eyes when u cudnt see, ur cure when u r dying, ur strength when u r losing, n ur shoulder when u burst 2 cry. You ask for it, we’ll give it. Your mum and I will do everything 2 bring u back 2 life. U will never go through dis alone. Not while I’m still breathing.

Paulo Coelho says, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering.”

5. WHY IS DIS HAPPENING TO YOU?

I dunno. He knows. N we know dat He knows best for every mortal He created. God is giving u a sign son/sweetheart. If only u b able 2 live long, u’ll look back @ dis, n understand. And its better 2 happen now than in da future. Break-up is not bout better late than never, its about da sooner da better. Y? becuz if sumting is not meant 2 be, then it will never be. U can never pretend 2 av sumting if u don’t own it. So Let It Be. @ da time when ur grannies were @ da same age wif me, dere’s a popular song by The Beatles and they sang, “and when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that there will be an answer, let it be.”

6. YOU KEEP ON CRYING, HAVING HARD TIME

Go on! Cry babe cry! Let it out n dun keep it inside. Burst all of da burden dat u hold n set ur soul free. Ppl say, in order 2 cure, u’ll av to endure da pain. So dis is it! U must go through da pain b4 u can start everything new. Dun worry, I understand. I truly do! If I av extra penny, I’ll pay 4 ur solo vacation. U got 2 find ur own space n time 2 heal da broken heart! Da time is always urs son/sweetheart! But when u cum back, u will b a stronger, wiser n matured person wif a new spirit (n a new look too!)

7. CAN YOU BE HAPPY IN THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP?

Of course u can. I met ur mum after series of break-ups. And we found you. Although I cant b certain wat will happen next, but I’m sure dat I’ll b happy and strive 2 b happy. Wat ever happens my dear, I will still av n u will still av me. Nothing can change dat.

Frederick Keonig says, “we tend 2 forget happiness doesn’t come as a result of sumting we dun have, but rather of recognising n appreciating wat we do av.”

John Barrymore says, “happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know u left open.”

Your dad says, “Haengbukyoo.” Which translated as Be Happy.

Your Father.

2224 – 21^st September 2010

PS. Writing this while listening to My Girl OST: Sa-rang-eun Him-deun-ga Bwa 사랑은 힘든가 봐

(your father was a Korean freak back then, and he is not ashamed to admit it!!!)