Mid-Life Crisis

Survey:

Have u ever been into a situation called "MidLife Crisis (MLC)?"
YES/NO
If YES, kindly share ur views.
If NO, kindly ignore dis post, but remember, sooner or later, u will.


Do U know what is a MidLife Crisis?
If YES, OK
If NO, proceed below for description.


If u google it, 3 main results will appear. Nevertheless, I define MLC as a state in life where u r @ a crossroad, clueless on which direction u shud take. It normally happens when u've accomplished a huge mission in life (like graduate from univ, had enough wif existing job, your relationship is at the cliff hanging) or simply u dunno wat will u do wif ur life. As da name propagates, it strikes to middle-aged individuals (30-40 years of age). But due 2 sum exceptional circumstances, it mite happen earlier than u expected. Juz like in my case.


I know wat I want in life. I've imagined wat sort of lifestyle I desire in future. I've also imagined 2 spend my remaining years in a countryside house, surrounded by mountains n streams - fishing in da morning, cooking 4 lunch, gardening in d afternoon, n reading/writing till bed time (of course I av 2 beribadah a.k.a. worshipping God too since my past is full of sins =)


I want 2 b a writer who able 2 inspire d world. I want 2 b known bcuz of my aspiration n inspiration in making da world as a better place 2 live on. I want 2 av my own publication, TV programme production (like Oprah's Ellen Degeneres or like TED.com). If I av enuff money, I want 2 build a boarding skewl in any of da failed states, guiding children 2 change their life n escape from poverty. I want 2 build houses 4 da abandoned child, so dat they'll know, they arent alone in dis world without love n care.


But bcuz my dreams arent look alike da majority ones, I am stuck not knowing wat shud I do next. Wat I mean by majority ones like - I want 2 b a successful surgeon so once I graduated from med skewl, I'll go into practicing -or- I want 2 b rich, hence I gonna start me own business -or- I want 2 b top lawyer/engineer/lecturer...so dis is wat I will do. But I want 2 b more than dat. Beyond existing career n sumting more meaningful in (my) life. N da destination seems 2 b far n blur, making me stranded n not moving.


I juz completed my MA n now receiving few offers 4 my postgrad studies. I am in a state of considering each and everyone of em. Da thing is, despite I luv 2 explore knowledge n enjoy da privilleges being a student, da other reason is becuz I hate working n being employed. Shirooooooooooooo. So even though I dunno wat shall I do (4 sure), one thing I know (4 sure) is I dun want 2 b employed in corporate and practising world.


OK str8 2 d point, dis is wat I got so far:-

a) An offer 2 pursue my 2nd MA in Political Science (Social and Political Theory) at Central European University with full tuition fee waiver. Which means I've 2 work my ass 2 pay my bills still.

b) I'm applying 4 da same course in Korea wif full scholarship @ SNU and Yonsei.
Bonus - Maybe I be able 2 master 한국 (Korean) as my 4th language.
Sub-bonus - I've promised 2 my fav Kpop star dat I will wait 4 him, currently serving military training *wink*. Only then I can leave Korea in peace *winking again*

c) I can write 2 local unis in Malaysia stating my interest in joining academia. From da contacts been made, they r likely want me 2 join service n I can rest assured 2 my Doctorate course since it will be taken care of.
Bonus - I can see LSE, Kings, Bigben, Tower Bride, and Her Majesty The Queen welcoming me
Disadvantageous - Me arse will b bonded wif em for 7 years!!! N academia world in Malaysia is not dat healthy frankly speaking.


Hence now, Im stuck @ a cross-road, wif 3 directions. Each of em has its gud/bad side 2 offer. Da think is, none of dis directly leads me 2 my dreams. I am juz pursuing a realistic plan in life, being mid 30++ who doesnt av savings n specific commitments (like marriage). Unless miracles strikes, I am afraid I juz av 2 endure wif da ordinary planning. Meanwhile I can start 2 work on my 1st publication.


So if u were me, wat wud u do? 어떻가지?


"When U dont know what to do, get still. The answer will come." -Oprah-

F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S

I admit dat da last two entries arent good. They are so demotivating and frustrating. One of the feedbacks I received saying dat I am renowned 4 Melancholic expertise bcuz my life is full of misery n melancholy. And I dun deny such claims. I accept it, knowing dat it is exactly my life I'm portraying in Asignofthecreator. Asignofthecreator is created 2 allow d author 2 b true 2 himself n 2 loyal viewers. It holds no secret of d owner cuz he believes, dis is da least place he is not afraid being himself 2 d public.


Truth b told, after every drizzles, a mirage of 7 beautiful stripes will appear. And we call it Rainbow. Da past few days made me think n wonder, why is my life being so hard n tragic? (dat made me become a self-inaugurated Professor in Melancholic and Sadness Science) I posted an entry b4, since I am born all-wronged, I av no other options but 2 endure dis life as long as it lasts. I recite my birthday wishes/prayers everyday, but I guess God hasnt listened 2 it yet. Still nothing changed. Suddenly I remembered, a great fren of mine ( I cudnt reveal da name since I havent obtained her consent, but she's a hell gud writer) wrote sumting on one being fearless n how 2 pursue life with a less sense of being fear. I believe, dis is also parallel 2 wat Taylor Swift claims on da power of one being fearless in every possible avenue 2 b fear (especially in relationship)


To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS. (Taylor Swift, 2008)


N I partly agree wif dat, bearing in mind dat its easier sed than done!. While admitting dat having faith in luv is necessary, I view happiness in life comes from multi-angles n direction. N L.O.V.E. is one of em. N one's Happiness/Satisfaction is not defined by others surrounding you. Ur happiness is set on ur own needs n measurement. Thus being fearless 2 me is not only dedicated 4 luv, but how 2 gain happiness in life. So, after a sip of Topresso Americano n a deep breath, dis is wat I deliberate on one being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. in life.


Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is when we accepted da past n its grievances but wudnt carry da baggage into da future. It's da state of acknowledging dat human makes mistake in order 2 grow old naturally n never afraid 2 make one. Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is also not 2 count da chances u've forfeited in da pasts, but always allow 2 make a new start. Rather than calculating how many years u've busted, count on da years u have remaining 2 make it right. By being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S., u r not 2 worry if things dun go ur way because dere always be a slight chance 2 make it work. U r not sighing every morning u wake up saying 'its gonna b another hell' but remind urself dat everyday, u create ur own history (Vicky, 2009). It doesnt mean u've reached d end n accept ur defeat bcuz as long as u r living, u will never stop fighting. U will only rest when u r put 2 rest. No matter how many times u've fallen (off da track) U will raise and race. Above all, F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is an art of cherishing what is given, learning the mistakes, and moving on, making a step (or a big leap) under da name of faith. N faith is not 2 b thought, but 2 b lived!


ps
so wat do u think comparing Swift's version and mine? I know she writes longer and well established, but will I get some credentials for deliberating mine? *wink*

Can A Cure Be A Poison?

Sweet as it is, turning my days into a misery

HOPE it was meant to be, running through my heart killing me softly.

P.S.

And I want you to know, there's no moment in my life spent putting the blame on you. Instead 졍말 감사합니다.

A Prisoner's Cry

Can a cure be a poison?

How can an angel caused so much pain?

A soul-less prisoner I am

Shackled, suffocating being in vain

Can a strength be a weakness?

How can a saviour turns to be a killer?

I wish I could decipher

In the end still, I am a loser

U came, U conquered, U shined in the dark

U left, unknowingly leaving a mark

Why this could be happening?

Wondering how this could be true

No matter how far I ran

To the deepest ocean I went

It is still the smell of your scent

Once, U lead me the way

Turning me into a helpless prey

Your true heart will never be at guilty

Ironically as it be

My heart will never be happy

U gave me light which turns me blind

U gave me hope which sweeps my blissful behind

Why O Lord?

Why dear heart?

A stupid and foolish I am

Sipping a poison which once was a cure

To be in tears which once was a smile

As a saviour turns to be a killer

I've stopped running, falling, waiting to die.



- Another lonely night, cry a tearing heart -
- 0156 May 22nd 2010 -

The Notion of Jealousy

I unders10 wat it takes 2 b jealous. When sum1 has sumting dat u r craving 4, jealousy will grow in u. Dats natural 4 every homosapien. Erkk ... I'm not sure whether animals av da same cuz I probably havent encounter any theory proving dat. Maybe yes cuz jealousy derives from da heart (a form of feeling) n not from da brain. And I been taught dat da only line between a human and non-human is dat humans av mind 2 think n non-humans dun. So, probably animals cud also (very low assumption) cud feel jealous. Maybe no becuz animals av a less interaction between themselves as humans do. Or less-complicated than wat we usually interact. Its either u r my enemy or our side dat kinda thing.


But human jealousy takes place in different forms, depending on circumstances. We say it cud b 4 da +'ve side and -'ve side. Whether its 4 a gud cause or supposed 4 da bad cause, @ times its intertwined wif da 2 dat makes me hard 2 unders10 da rite of a person 2 b jealous.


Recently, I happened 2 b involved in Facebook-status-war with an old fren. Well, he doesnt consider me as a fren, frankly speaking. D thing is, I only dropped few lines 2 his bf ( I assume so, cuz sumtimes their ups n downs r pretty difficult 2 b figured...told ya forbidden love is hardly @ peace) of concerns since its been a while we last talked. How long "a while" means, I dun dare 2 comment. N suddenly dis envious fren, launched his missiles 2 me out of my gud faith. OK I admit, da three of us involved in a not-so-real triangle relationship (cuz dere was never a time I felt love 2 any2 of em) n I sorted it out totally n moved on pursuing my happiness life meeting more ppl from other side of d globe. But I guess, dis isnt da case 4 him. Whether he is still b traumatised, haunted, hard 2 move on I dunno? Its like helloooowwww wats ur prob, pal?


So I played "scrabble", putting jealousy in da middle, n try 2 find a reason 2 feel dat based on da characters of J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. N dis is wat I got:


L - Love
Simple answer. I guess every1 knows. U'll envy when sum2 dat u luv is being wif sum1 n not U. As much as you want him/her 2 b wif U, dat much of jealousy dat u develop knowing him/her r with sum1. Da more dat u crave 4 his/her love, caring, smile n remembrance, da higher da jealousy metre rises.


E - insEcured
Relating 2 d 1st one, fearing u mite lose love, U'll feel insecured every single moment he's not being wif u, n it drives u nuts n worried. U wonder, has his/her feelings diminished 4 u bcuz s/he wif sum1 or calculating da possibilities dat u no longer significant in his/her life. In dat case, u r probably rite 2 b jealous.


S - low Self esteem
Insecurity caused likely by low-self esteem. Comparing urself n ur competitor, u mite think dat U r lacking of sumting dat da other side is gud @. Of course nobody is perfect. Wat u av mite not av in others n vice-versa. But bcuz love intervenes, dat makes u afraid of losing love n da loved ones while inferiority complex starts 2 put its devil hats...n seeing ur love is wif sum2 dat u think is much better than thou, u feel envy and makes u uneasy.


U - no trUst
Also, without wind n storms, everything meant 2 b a disaster. n dat i mean becuz u lack of/dun have trust in ur relationship. Ever heard Savage Garden's Affirmation dat "I believe trust is more important than monogamy"? It all balls down 2 faith n trust u put in da other half in ur relationship. Furthermore, dis is da core foundation in any relationship. Unless trust is not securely built from da start, ur relationship will never ending encounter conflicts n complications. Series of dramas mite only be justifications 4 ur jealousy, but it seems ur relationship is not stable n probably "right" from d very beginning. N I know dis 4 sure.


A - finding fAult
Ermm I guess dis is surprising niu. U feel jealous bcuz it never meant 2 b luv, but merely highlighting da mistakes of sum1 u 'allegedly' in love with. U want 2 make him/her realise dat s/he is not trustworthy n holds d blame w everything. U intend 2 prove ur so-called unquestionable sincerity n make him/her suffer. Clearly I dun want 2 pin-point anybody, but I guess one cud probably know him/herself better. Da one @ a disadvantageous side is da innocent party, who profusely been blamed 4 his misconducts-in-love under the name of ill-faith jealousy. N I feel sorry 2 those who belong 2 dis category, 4 frequently been blamed without a strong ground of justification. Worst, s/he has no 'alibi' 2 defend da accusation.


So dere u go. I juz got 5 causes of jealousy from 5 characters of L-E-S-U-A. Mind helping me into looking da remaining alphabets please? Calling for relationship experts 4 contribution.


Again,
I BELIEVE TRUST IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONOGAMY

WHAT I WISH FOR MY BIRTHDAYS

May 3rd passed not so long time ago. I received warmth (da important thing is decent) celebration by ppl surrounding me. Thank you and I thank God for sending em 2 me on my special day. Being a quarter of century ++, my frens been asking wat cud b da 소물 (gift) I wish 4 my birthday dis year. N I think dats pretty tough 2 answer, although @ d moment, I crave 4 many things. But birthday gifts shud b sumting different. Sumting I can have using my limited savings. Also, not an object dat listed under -wat-a-25++-year-old-chap-shud-have.


I need not a house, since I dunno where and when will be my next stop.
Not even a car cuz I hate driving (read:not dat I dunno hokay). Plus I dun av a permanent residence.
Financial Savings? Well, I spend wat I earn, thus I dun av savings. Also, I cant b sue whether I'll b exist till 2moro 2 withdraw my savings.
Marriage? A Family? Sorry, I dun reckon both as objects, neither as my priorities @ da mo.


But last few days, I think I've found sumting dat I really want, n I will keep on asking 4 it, untill I finally av. N I've proclaimed dat dis shud b da same birthday present wishes 4 d next coming birthdays, as long as I live.


I wish/desire/dream/aim to have

A WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S PLAN AND GOD'S WAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEING ALIVE.


N now comes the whys:

1st, I always believe da existence of a superpower dat regulates da universe n da world order. He creates, He arranges, and He executes all His arrangements. I believe dat His Arrangements work best 4 us cuz He knows wats best 4 us, His created immortals. But dere r certain things dat I dun unders10 n find it hard 2 accept. Dat is not 2 say dat I hold any objection to Him, rather criticise Him, but I am profusely suffering in deciphering da meaning behind all da things He made 4. Upon reaching da deadlock, I end up hurting myself unknowingly.


I dun unders10 y natural disasters like earthquakes av 2 happen in a poor countries like Haiti, Indonesia neither 2004 Tsunami in Indonesia, Bangladesh, Sri Langka n its neighbouring vicinities? Arent dis ppl suffered enuff from their current conditions? Wats da need of punishing em more from wat they already bear?


I dun unders10 y He allows wars, genocide, massive massacres 2 happen. Clearly, its a bad will 4 human n juz making human civilisation 2 deteriorate. When the Bush admin was planning 2 attack Afghanistan and latter Iraq, I prayed n wished dat He will stop em from happening. But it didnt stop. N me heart torn into parts looking @ d helpless women n children, enduring da pain wif bloods n dust all over their bodies. Why cud He stop em?


I dun unders10 y is He making sum ppl life miserable while s/he is a gud servant @ da same time, giving extra luxury 2 ill-hearted persons. Ever wonder y suddenly a healthy lifestyle man who never smoke, drink suddenly knowing his life is coming 2 an end? Isnt it a man deserves wat he deserves n shud earn wat he is entitled 2 av. Arent u tired enuff listening ppl complaining 'Life Isnt Fair'? N reality often replies, 'because life will never be fair.'


Above all,


I dun unders10 y is He creating sum1 2 b all wrong, while dat person has no freedom 2 choose from d beginning. Wats da punishment 4 a baby 2 b born handicapped, born wif fatal disease which clearly s/he has nothing 2 do dat made him/her rendering da consequences. On a different perspective, if da gays n lesbians av a choice 2 b born as str8, normal n ordinary ppl, juz like da others do, Im sure we no longer av em. I'm sure they dun want 2 b born as they r in now cuz having a forbidden love on a forbidden r/ship will never b @ peace. But its juz dat they dun av da courage 2 make it rite, cuz making a decision seems 2 b easy, but choosing a rite one n to live through in a rite decision, in which, is not u after all will never be easy.


Dere r many things dat dun work out perfectly in my life. N I've struggling hard 2 meet its wisdom so dat I can lead my life in bliss, gaining da strength 2 "Let Go" and "Moving On." But dere's always 1 think dat I never b able 2 deal wif. Why is He creating me all wronged while I dun av da chance 2 choose in da beginning? Even if da past life truly exist, wat av I done wrong dat makes me suffering from such unbearable upbringing? @ 1st I take it as God wants me 2 b strong n able 2 find d light. Da truth is - I'm still trapped in da dark, n I find myself exhausting in finding da light. Frustration, Hurt, Despair, Misery, Loneliness ... u name it. I do know wat it means n actually feel wat it means.


I dun wish 2 b born like dis, n I'm suffocating being me, wat more 2 make things rite. Why r U doing dis 2 me, dear Lord?

Why it is me dat U choose?

And I want nothing from U, but to know why. So dat, I know how 2 move on, accepting my life if not make it better.



God
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things that I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference ...

TIME IS ALL I NEED ...

Today, my 1 month effort of dedication n determination is evaluated. Not to my surprise, it didn't turn out well =). Da reason I can smile still is because I accepted it with an open heart (after one BigMac Happy Meal course few hours after da evaluation been released). Also, after a 'F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G' spell said by my special -slash- personal motivator b4 leaving da Academy. Although I pretty much cud guess da outcome of da evaluation, but open officially seeing it wif my own eyes, many thoughts came 2 my mind, dat sumhow made me questioning whether wat I am doing is rite.

Wait, 착가만요, of course I know it is rite. It's sumting dat I really wanted, n thank God, I av da opportunity n strength 2 do it. Surely, I shud b gr8ful 4 every single minute passed, counting all of God's mercy along da way. But wif such a low score dat I obtained, I cudnt lie by saying I'm happy regardless. U C, dere r few lil things I want 2 do in life (like learning Hangul for example) and bcuz its sumting dat I really wanting 2 do, I've put most of my effort ( I wudnt dare 2 say 2 da fullest bcuz I keep on saying dis is merely an educational vacation, not a serious study course ). 2 make dis thing successfully achieved, I've stayed back after class 2 revise da lessons (ok2 dere's another reason too n u know it), unembarassingly knocking on my 선생님 door asking 4 repeatition n clarification n etc. n partly da result impliedly telling, its not enuff!


정말요? Really?


Prior 2 da exam, my special motivator n I had a talk. ermm a pep-talk if u like. Its bcuz I c myself sailing wif no specific direction in studies. Bcuz da vocabs, grammar (owh da korean particles 박짐 r killing me) speaking skills all combusted @ a time, I lose focus. I dunno wat shud I emphasise on since I'm lacking of all em. But my personal motivator sed, take it easy Zokhri-sshi! As a beginner, we wont expect much that wat a beginner shud know. By knowing how 2 construct a simple sentence n read, dats already in itself an achievement. Believing wat he sed is reasonable, I faced da exam with enuff sleep and free from stress. After all, learning is fun.

We also reached 2 a point dat, ALL I NEED IS TIME! Dun set a specific (impossible) target, but juz enjoy da learning process as every language is all about discovering new things, engage wif it n apply it in daily life. N dere's no special formulae like how many hours a day shud u study or how many things shud u know by time, but juz sail it through n let it flows in ur heart n mind. In da end, dis is wat we call as learning by heart, n not for passing exams!

n 2day I felt da feeling back when I was 13, when getting my results 4 my 1st test in Arabic language. ( I got 40% and got 46% for Hangul ). I can still remember how nearly I was 2 give it up n juz focus on sumting I'm realy gud @ (English Language I think). Da same feeling strikes me now after being experiencing it 14 years ago. Da only difference is - @ least now I'm having Arabic as my 3rd language.
NOTE: Juz AVERAGE ok.. wif not-so-bad skills 2 read, 2 write n 2 communicate.
N when I recall all da sweat n tears of learning Arabic, I am convinced dat learning language is never gonna be easy!! ( I dun believe dat dere is a language in dis worl dat is easily 2 b learnt ). Its challenging, demanding but despite its everlasting reward, I'm doing it bcuz I want 2 do it. n da reason of wanting 2 do it is bcuz it's sumting dat I like.

So I think, I shudnt have a slight doubt whether wat I am doing now is going 2 turn out well. It will in da end!!! Plus I know dat Im not dat lazy n stup. Its juz dat God is testing me 2 ask, whether I am really determined 2 do dis. Da answer cud only be 2:

1) I'VE LOST MY DETERMINATION. n I will remain as a person within my confort zone, who satisfy by knowing his native language, English and Arabic.

2) I STILL HAVE THE DETERMINATION. n I will face dis failure as a stepping stone 4 a long term -slash- success satisfaction. I will identify my handicaps n try 2 improve it from time 2 time. No pressure. No stress. Just enjoyment & patience.



After all I gone through, (wif da 6 month planning n 7 years of being a 할류 Hallyu), do u think its a worthwhile 2 opt 4 da 2nd answer?

Indeed, FAILURE IS A DEFERRED SUCCESS !!!

주그리 씨, 바이팅 !!!!

I Wish I Could Decipher Ppl

Maybe dis entry relates with the 1 posted earlier. As previously mentioned, I received a warm acceptance by da ppl around me in Seoul. Whenever I go 2 skewl, my 선셍님 (teacher) will greet me wif her smile, my personal motivator will drop some conversation wif me, making me 2 look 4ward 4 da next schooling day. @ home, da house owner will say hi n ask 'how do u do 2day?' And because I dunno much how to elaborate, 긴자나요 (I'm just fine) is da only word I replied with a sincere smile.

I am surrounded by caring ppl n profusely feel b blessed 4 coming 2 Korea. And no words cud express how appreciate I am 2 av lived ere.

Recently, one of my frens, who has been staying in Korea for 5 years told me sumting wen we talked bout Korea and its ppl. While we established da fact dat Koreans r generally -emphasis added- caring n luving, @ times, they do dat bcuz of few reasons. U see, da world we r living now is full of motives n hidden agenda. U r obliged 2 do sumting (extraordinary) bcuz of a factor dat pushes u 2 do so. Clearly I'm not making dis as a thumb-rule 4 every1. But, we arent wrong either 2 make dis assumption as a precautionary note when dealing wif ppl. Just not 2 make urself hurt in da end, enw.

So we listed down few possible reasons, taking dis few ppl round me as samples of da experiment:

FIRST, business-customer relationship.
Because I'm legally a rentee of da apartment, n a stud @ my skewl, they owe a duty 2 make me satisfied wif da service they provided. Otherwise, I'll pack up n go.

SECOND, I am a foreigner.
Plus, having an effort 2 learn Korean language n culture on top of dat. So they feel appreciated because why-on-earth-sum1-wants-to-learn-Hangul-since-its-not-da-world-language-enw dat kinda thing.

THIRD, I'm naturally friendly (n talkative too - fellow Malaysians kindly read it as 'keypoh' hokay not 'gediks')
Despite my low proficiency in Hangul, I'm trying me best 2 accommodate ppl around me in 항국. This includes saying anything dat I know, s long s 2 make da sentence relevant 2 da conversation. However, da failure rate is much higher than its success.

FOURTH, quoting a friend, I'm delicate, fragile, gentle and soft, in which they feel sorry 2 me.
2 c me alone in dis big city wif no 1 to hold on to, no 1 2 rely on, making em feel symptahised. And I know, ppl never regard me as physically strong n tough due 2 my natural personality which suggests otherwise.

N dis strikes me str8 2 da face. I am fully aware of my personality n conditions ere in Korea, but I never meant em 2 b da causes 3 ppl 2 sympathise me. 4give me, a snobbish arrogant lad I m not, but I dun need ppl's sympathy. If u want 2 sympathise ppl, go n look urself 2 da 3rd world countries n da failure states. Look, @ their children n women. They r da 1 who need our concerns. Not a delicate soft personality like me who stands on his own feet facing wat we call L-I-F-E.

When dis thot circling my mind, it urges me 2 av a face 2 face talk asking - Y u been so nice 2 me? Izzit bcuz u think I'm ........................ . I wish I cud av da 6th sense 2 unders10 their feelings n motives. Not becuz I doubt em, not even 2 depreciate their concerns, but I juz dun want ppl 2 feel sorry 4 me. Becuz of a simple reason - I dunt feel sorry 2 myself.

On a different picture, I m also subjected 2 ppl hatredness. While dis is a minority scenario (n I cudnt b bothered but I wish 2 know - wat av I done dat makes u hate me so much? Wat sins av I committed dat u think I'm da worst ever creature living on dis world?

Either 4 luving me or hating me, I know its all 4 a reason(s). 4 every smile, concern, n ur anger eyes, I need 2 know da reasons. 4 every complexity n mystery of ur heart n its feelings, I wish 2 know da explanation. Isnt everything dat happened, happens 4 a reason? N my solitude lil wish is da opportunity 2 unders10 em.

Cud dis b so demanding 4 me 2 ask for?

After all, da tranquility in life is based on wisdom dat created from discovering, learning, accepting, n embracing da reasons.

ZI
세울 Seoul 1/5/2010

A FORTHNITE AND I'M STILL SURVIVING

Current location: Seoul


It has past forthnite since I’ve landed in Korea. Forgive me for not updating da posts as da past few weeks been too occupied for an adjustment. Well 2 b honest, not dat bz ever since my vacation epiphany has preventing my arses from engaging in any activities apart from sleeping, eating n eating and attending 항국 classes (hey, @ least dere’s one serious thing ere I do, peeps). It is also not 2 say I’m finding myself hard 2 re-orientate myself from being a full-time student in Japan to a full-time tourist n part-time 항국 student in Seoul. I think I’m easily adapted to new environment considering da level of flexibility, tolerance and liberalism dat I have. –ngeeeeeeeee-


@ 1st, I held a serious reservation on Korea n da Koreans. I faced few difficulties on my early days of arrival. For instance, despite been telling my apartment owner (they call it 하숙 here) on my arrival time @ da place, he was out n made me waiting in cold 4 1 hour. Luckily one of da rentees was kind enuff 2 ring him asking his whereabouts n he immediately rushed back. Kamsahamnida.


I also thot n still holding a perception dat da peeps ere r less considerate n so blatant. Every time my shoulders been hit hardly while strolling on a busy street, I can never expect dat person will turn back n offers an apology. Instead they will just walk off as if nothing happens. Contrary 2 my previous 6 months in Japan, even a slight contact wud render 2 people to nod down and apologise. It made you even want 2 apologise 2 another although its entirely not ur fault who caused such pokes. But dun expect da same courtesy ere in Korea.


This does not mean I’m saying they r rude. They aren’t in fact (in a way). Its just dat sumtimes, a society is meant 2 b less considerate naturally. I can understand dat cuz I myself come from a society more or less da same picturised da Koreans (in certain aspects, its even worst).


Another situation, while I hardly heard ppl honking on da road (while I was in da UK and Japan) ere I am nearly immuned 2 it. Sumtimes I wonder why cant ppl juz b lil’ patient n try 2 understand other road users? Cars cud juz break down, u cud b daydreaming seeing its still red while it’s already GREEN, or u cud juz loose ur focus when u r on da road. But I guess, as long as I’m not driving I dun bother dat much.


Now cums 2 da +’ve sides n I think it dilutes da previous points I’ve raised b4 – in a way.

Koreans r a loving n caring society. Because they are honest 2 wat they feel, they dun hesitate 2 express it 2 others. Many young couples (n old too) r seen 2 b affectionate by da romance blossoming in their relationship. Holding hands, whispering, laughing, smiling and teasing each other r everywhere when u r on public which appear 2 feel how strong their loves are. U r bound 2 feel dat love is all they need 4 a day, fearing dere will b no tomorrow. N I find dat sweet n brave. Not many av da guts 2 express their feelings 2 da other party in public. It takes a strong motivation for u 2 tell da world dat, hey-we-r-in-love and we truly enjoy each other.


And as usual, I am left alone 2 ‘sightseeing’ dis romance while I’ve no one important in my life now. Lonely as I am, still, I feel happy 2 c happiness in other ppl eyes.


Da Koreans (in my observation) r caring too. Dis leads 2 my personal experience encountering with PJS (no names, OK) working as student affairs executive @ my skewl. From da very beginning of our meeting, he welcomes all my queries n demands wif a smile, n open hand. Dere was once I needed 2 enquire about 영산 (Yongsan), da biggest electronic town in Korea. Since I wasn’t quite sure on its whereabouts, PJS printed out da map n directions (coloured printed summore!) n on top of dat taking his time 2 explain it 2 me until I understand. In fact, he insists me 2 ring him if I got lost or having problems on da day. N dat day, he is supposed not 2 work n cud leisurely spend time on his own.


Another example wud b a middle-aged 앚어찌 (uncle) who happens 2 b my neighbour. While he speaks very little English and I replied in very little (incorrect) Korean, we got along very well. He bought me some cookies n biscuits upon seeing me enjoying em so much. Once he paid a visit 2 my room 4 a chat n volunteered 2 check on my 쑥제 (homework). I know he cud be lonely staying in his room (his family is in 부산 (Busan) and he will go back 2 his hometown in weekend. But while dere r many others Koreans staying 2gether wif us (whom he can communicate very well) its me dat he spends his after-office time wif. It made me feel dat I’m part of his family.


A housekeeper (whom I call her 앚움마 (auntie) will always greet me when I’m back from skewl. She is aware dat we hardly understand each other but she keeps on being passionate in talking 2 me. She taught me how 2 use da rice cooker n microwave.
SERIOUS NOTE: Its not dat I’m so stupid 2 use those electronic stuffs k. But since everything is in 항국, u wont expect me 2 know every single word.
@ times, she gives me drinks. Soft drinks I mean. Da thing dat touched me is – working as a housekeeper wif dat lil amount of earnings, she still av heart 2 make me feel comfortable living in da apartment. And I’m being treated nicely despite a high-thick barrier between us. 감사합니다 앚움마. I’ll spell ur name in my prayers.



So I guess, all da gud sides av erased da bad ones. N I’m glad dat my days in Korea r filled wif many unexpected beautiful things. Da more dat I discover da place, da more belonging sense I feel. Albeit, my IUJ mate Jordan is right by claiming – “dun get upset wif lil things go wrong, but give urself more time 4 it 2 make it right n 2 discover more nice things around u in Seoul.”


@ dis juncture, he is rite!!!


Annyong peeps!


PS:
I 4get 2 mention 1 important discovery. Statistically, out of 10 peeps I bumped to on da street, 9 r pretty gudlooking. And Im not kidding, for godsake! Dis applies 2 both 여자 (gurls) and 남자 (boys). I say, da Koreans r naturally hawt – which never disappoint me eyes in enjoying God’s creation … U’rrrrrrrrrite ZI!

U'VE BEEN REJECTED, SO WHAT ?!

Dear Son/Gurl,

I am writing dis 2 u in advanced, even b4 meeting ur mother becuz of 1 gr8 reason. I luv u more than u ever do. Strangely, I started 2 feel da love even b4 u were exist rite b4 my eyes. The feeling of protecting u has started b felt in my heart although I av no idea when I cud av thou. People say, love is not meant 2 b seen neither 2 b touched, but it cud still b sensed, even wif sum1 who is yet 2 appear n sum1 who has disappeared before ur eyes.

Partly da reasons being, while da memory is still surfacing n is very dear 2 me, I decided 2 seal it down so dat nothing goes missing n misleading. Ur father has come to many phases in life and relationships – to its ups and downs, been into da light of hope n darkness of despondency, both da beauty of loyalty and the trauma betrayal, been idolated and been disown. Everything! A perfect father certainly I am not, children. But becuz of these various flavours I av tasted in my life (n later 2 experience) perhaps, I have no regret in my life and in getting old.

@ dis age, U must av desired 4 loads of things. To succeed in life (be wif career n studies) including in L.OV.E. but shud dis doesn’t go as in da way u desired it 2 b, feel worry not, as your father always tell himself that indeed, ‘failure is a delayed success.’ So take these advices deep 2 ur heart, av em a thought may you find the world is not ending yet, but has many unexplored rooms of happiness waiting 4 u.

1. U’VE BEEN REJECTED BY THE 2 DAT U LOVED

First, never ever thot dat it is luv dat rejects u. And u shud not put the blame to love, either. Love has nothing 2 do wif it. Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceded.It is never rude or selfish.It does not take offence It is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but always delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure ... whatever comes. The one dat doesn’t need u is ur ex. So be it!!! Let him/her go! U av given him/her a chance 2 b part in ur life n 4 u 2 be his/hers. But things dun work out. So pack up and leave! Cherish da sweet things s/he has done 2 u. Never hate him/her but u shud thank da person for giving urself both 2 try to work things out 2gether.

Tony McCollum said, “when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied 2 anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means dat their part in ur story is over.”

2. BREAK-UPS HURT

YES, True. I never say it isn’t. No one will even say its easy too. 4 da 1^st time in my life when I was 18, I had my first break-up. N u know dat 1^st love is unforgettable. 4 da 1^st time, I cudnt feel da ground n da world has coming 2 an end n found no reason for living. My views are blurring, spinning around in all directions n I cudnt feel myself standing when dat person muttered those “suicidal” words 2 me. But after my eyes ran out of tears, another part of me was saying “I am still young 2 end my life wif dis stupid thing. I can fall in love again, and mend da broken heart. I can b happy again wif my new love.” N I keep on telling myself – dere’s sum1 (out dere) who is still waiting 4 my love. Its just I haven’t found dat person yet. And dat person is still in foreverly waiting. And God purposely wanted u 2 meet da ‘wrong’ ones 1^st b4 giving u da ‘rite’ one. So u will learn and make it better.

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates - but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3. YOU CANT FORGET HIM/HER.

Y shud u forget him/her? After all, s/he was once placed @ a very disctinctive space in ur heart. Forgetting sum1 who was once exist is ike believing dat trees do not exist. So, u shudnt! But do not forget, dat ur chapter wif him/her has come 2 an end. Closed. And life is so friggin boring by aving 1 chapter only. We shud try 2 add as many chapters as we can in order 2 get old properly. Indeed, when a story ends, da new one begins. So move on!! Create a new chapter of urs n make sure u write better dis time. Because u already know da rules of da game. Clearly s/he had betrayed ur trust and I see no point of reconciling and begging things to happen as da way it was b4.

When I was 27, I used 2 listen to “Telephone” by Lady Gaga ft Beyonce (they were the world icon back then) Tellin ya, they were hawt n gorgeous in da vc. n dis was wat they discussed in da vc.

“Trust is like a mirror. You can fix if its broken but u can still see da crack in da mother****er reflection.”

4. YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM/HER

But u can live (so well) b4 meeting him/her. So why judge urself as a wuss n punishing ur life 4 not aving him/her? Look around ya! Ur always stand-by-you parents, supporting sibs (if ur mum is strong enuff to preggie more lah), wonderful frens, above all, The One up there. U av everyone despite of losing sum1. N ur family will always support u. We will b ur wheel 4 u 2 walk, ur wings 4 u 2 fly, ur eyes when u cudnt see, ur cure when u r dying, ur strength when u r losing, n ur shoulder when u burst 2 cry. You ask for it, we’ll give it. Your mum and I will do everything 2 bring u back 2 life. U will never go through dis alone. Not while I’m still breathing.

Paulo Coelho says, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering.”

5. WHY IS DIS HAPPENING TO YOU?

I dunno. He knows. N we know dat He knows best for every mortal He created. God is giving u a sign son/sweetheart. If only u b able 2 live long, u’ll look back @ dis, n understand. And its better 2 happen now than in da future. Break-up is not bout better late than never, its about da sooner da better. Y? becuz if sumting is not meant 2 be, then it will never be. U can never pretend 2 av sumting if u don’t own it. So Let It Be. @ da time when ur grannies were @ da same age wif me, dere’s a popular song by The Beatles and they sang, “and when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that there will be an answer, let it be.”

6. YOU KEEP ON CRYING, HAVING HARD TIME

Go on! Cry babe cry! Let it out n dun keep it inside. Burst all of da burden dat u hold n set ur soul free. Ppl say, in order 2 cure, u’ll av to endure da pain. So dis is it! U must go through da pain b4 u can start everything new. Dun worry, I understand. I truly do! If I av extra penny, I’ll pay 4 ur solo vacation. U got 2 find ur own space n time 2 heal da broken heart! Da time is always urs son/sweetheart! But when u cum back, u will b a stronger, wiser n matured person wif a new spirit (n a new look too!)

7. CAN YOU BE HAPPY IN THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP?

Of course u can. I met ur mum after series of break-ups. And we found you. Although I cant b certain wat will happen next, but I’m sure dat I’ll b happy and strive 2 b happy. Wat ever happens my dear, I will still av n u will still av me. Nothing can change dat.

Frederick Keonig says, “we tend 2 forget happiness doesn’t come as a result of sumting we dun have, but rather of recognising n appreciating wat we do av.”

John Barrymore says, “happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know u left open.”

Your dad says, “Haengbukyoo.” Which translated as Be Happy.

Your Father.

2224 – 21^st September 2010

PS. Writing this while listening to My Girl OST: Sa-rang-eun Him-deun-ga Bwa 사랑은 힘든가 봐

(your father was a Korean freak back then, and he is not ashamed to admit it!!!)

New Discovered Reso

Zokhri Idris is learning on the power TO ACCEPT and TO LET GO things. In order to succeed, he will list down all the blessings God has bestowed upon him everyday before he goes to sleep. TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ANOTHER DAY OF LIVING is the outcome of this therapy X

THE PHILIPPINES, GOONG AND FREEDOM

When my classmates and I were discussing on Freedom and economic growth (in Global Civil Society), I cudnt help but feeling amazed 2 our frens in da Philippines, dat they r happy 2 maintain basic living condition (without rapid development) as long as their freedom is not being touched. Meaning, its OK 4 em (my fren sed, she cud b bias since she’s living in Metro Manila) 2 lead a simple sustainably life without taking away their freedom. Previous Marcos’ and current Arroyo’s style of governing cud serve as examples, she justifies.



While dis discourse was a coincidence 2 my self-deliberation in post-Goong period, nevertheless, it gives me a moment 2 lay back n ponder bout freedom. Those who haven’t seen (n I encourage u 2 do dat) Goong is a Korean series, of a triangle relationship between a princess and 2 princes. Although its still a stereotype being a Korean drama – dat triangle relationship, parents interference, n da 1st hero will always get his luv (no matter how nasty he behaved @ 1st) must conventionally exist, da point I reflected da most from dis movie is F.R.E.E.D.O.M. Lee Goon, da Crown Prince was forced 2 marry a commoner Chae Gyung, after been rejected by his gf. Throughout their marriage (though it never consummated) luv starts 2 blossom between these 2 souls (a prince and once a commoner). However many things they cudnt do/cherish juz becuz they belonged 2 da Royal Family n subjected 2 da old-fashioned (kuno) Royal laws. Their freedom to live as a happy loving couple is restrained due 2 their position n situation.



I must say, although I dun belong 2 any Royals or rich families alike, I can feel how does it being living under da commands of da elders in da family. Living wif parents who are rigid n religiously conservatived, makes me no difference than Shin Goon and Chae Gyung. Da only difference spot exist between my reality n theirs (as far as da drama is concerned), they r bond by traditional royal laws upheld by the palace while I am imposed wif a strict Islamic observation and practices by my parents. They have no means 2 say, 2 object, 2 express wat they want, 2 live life according 2 self-determination, n so do I.



And dat makes us miserable, turning our lives into extreme despair and despondency.



N dis has turned me into a (pro) freedom fighter; taking every chance it has 2 make me being free n independence. Even as 2 being regarded as da ‘black sheep’ of da family 4 being persistently resisting me parents, I av no other options but 2 believe in my freedom. It is never in my intention (honestly) 2 go against me parents, wat more 2 make em upset n disappointed, but it seems I av no other means 2 believe in wat I want, 2 get wat I wished 4. After all, dis is 4 me n my life n I dun want it 2 b determined n fixed by someone else.



It is subjective 2 quantify da price of being free. Da rooms 2 make decisions, da avenues 2 stick wif it n 2 execute it r simply priceless n cant be valued materially. Call me a Western individualistic who abandons communitarian values, or a modern urbanised selfish lad, but dis is da only territory dat I av 4 a living. @ da age of 27, I want my life 2 b determined by my own will, my aims 2 b desired by my own dreams, without taking orders from da others. Dats y, I believe, God gives u (each and everyone of us) a mind 2 think, a heart 2 feel so dat u may stand wif ur own feet, n sail ur life independently.



But dis is not understood by my beloved parents.



As I’ve endlessly been trying 2 explain 2 em, my effort met nothing but series of failures. N I cudnt do dis anymore. I’ve reached 2 a point dat, diplomacy fails 2 work n dat my patience is never be considered, yet, my self-belief must b pursued wif a strong determination, otherwise I’ll be trapped in dis dilemma 4eva. Sorry mum, Sorry dad. If I dun do dis 4 myself, I’ll b in forever regretting, blaming u n me for not wanting a change. N I dun want 2 do dat. I dun want 2 regard u as bad parents 4 disapproving my choice in life, neither I dun want 2 feel sorry in da end, growing up in a conservative old-fashioned family in which I had no chance 2 stand on my own, moving into my direction. After considering n hardly reflecting, I think dis is da best 4 u n me, although I know u will no longer support me n stand by me.



Da choice I’ve made is not easy, neither leading me 2 an easy life. Without you being my backbone, I feel half of my life is perished. Hollow. Im fully aware dat, without ur blessings n support, God will turn away from me. But as long as my love 2 u will never dilute, I know He will not punish me severely. And its becoz I luv u, (n I dun want 2 blame u), Im taking dis path, so dat I can appreciate da life u av given 2 me 27 years ago.



I pray n I hope dat 1 day U’ll understand me – as ur son who always want 2 b free. I’ll pray dat U’ll feel da pain 4 living under ur rulings, da misery 4 following ur dreams. Above all, I want u 2 know, my luv 4 u will always remain, n as 4 dat reason, I am taking dis chance 2 pursue my dreams.



Im juz an ordinary human who wishes 2 lead an ordinary n free life. I av nothing more 2 ask 4, but giving me my life n my freedom. Those r mine, n never can b others. Hence Im merely taking wat is mine n protecting/defending it (@ wat price it costs me). Still I am ur loving son n 4ever be. But 2 luv me 4 da ‘niu’ me, 2 accept me 4 wat I am n wat I believe in, its entirely up 2 u. In da end, I thank u 4 giving birth 2 me (n dere’s nothing in dis world or even in my next life I cud give 2 substitute wat U’ve given me) but,


I JUST WANT 2 BE BORN FREE !!!

ZI

Valentines Retreat 2010

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

BACK TO BASICS

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles

Charlie Chaplin (1889 – 1977)

SITUATION IDENTIFICATION:

Without showing any signs or symtpons, my Dell Inspiron 6000 has been pronounced dead. Chotto, no its not dead, yet, as it can still be switched on. Da thing is, nothing will appear on da screen despite been switched on for hours. After consulting da medics, da problem rooted to a hardware malfunction, which preventing images 2 appear although da system is running. Stranded in a rural Urasa, where English is hardly conversed and da cost of repairing amounting to ¾ of buying a new lappie, I decided 2 juz wait till I get a new 1. Definitely, I’m not getting 1 in Japan because da language setting is only in Jap which I cud unders10 any.

THINGS 2 PONDER:

Strangely, I don’t feel sad or utter loss upon knowing dis. Although I’m pretty much feel handicapped due 2 dis inconveniences, but I persuaded myself not 2 b carried away. True, living without a lappie (in Japan which da broadband speed is super duper fast) is a hard thing 4 me. U can take away my money n food (not my cookies, please!!) but not my lappie. Thinking of 5 years of gud memories n acquaintance, I thought, dis cud b da time 4 it 2 terminate da service n companionship.

On a deep thought, nothing wud last everlastingly. When God decides its no longer b urs, u’ll loose it, no matter @ wat cost. I’ve been taking a gud care of my lappie, n as I sed, without any preliminary signs, da screen juz goes blank. Its all God’s Will n as a weak mortal, who am I 2 stop dis from happening.

Nevertheless, I take dis as a training ground 4 me – 2 train myself 2 perceive dat everything dat I av is lent 2 me 4 a period of time n when da time comes, He shalt take it back. From da small thing of losing a penny, a big thing of losing my lappie 2 da largest one of losing my life. No matter how much I crave n desire 4 it 2 stays, it will soon leave me, when He asks to.

Maybe, I’ve been losing a lot all these while, dat makes me stable when losing a mere 21st century celebrated-invented machine, a laptop. I’ve been losing many ppl I love da most, individuals I adore a lot, many chances I forfeited, lots and lotsa money due 2 my recklessness, n dreams dat failed 2 meet its reality. I’ve been 2 da worst despair, saddest moment, extremely disturbed situation and comes dis situation, its juz a lil tiny thing compared 2 wat I’ve gone through. @ times, I was helplessly kneeling on da ground questioning – wat else U wanna take from me? Aren’t these not enough 4 U and for me?

But when faith comes 2 surround me, belief finds 2 console me, I managed 2 wipe out da tears n carefully whisper 2 myself. Perhaps God has another plan that I seemed not to understand. Sometimes in life, U juz had 2 believe after been endlessly discovering, u juz need 2 av faith despite back-to-back down turns in life. Honestly, I dun know whether faith n belief will turn out gud in da end, but if dat is da only strength left I av 2 hold on, juz 2 proceed another second of living, I will still grab it. Even knowing da day will come when God will take me away from dis temporary living, I hope n I will try 2 b calm n b stable 4 it. Everything dat runs in me, da blood, cells, organs are from Him n only belonged 2 Him. I am juzz a trustee 2 take care of these n 2 live happily. So holding 2 da fact dat they aren’t mine (as I dun own em permanently) who am I to stop da owner from taking back wat is His, no matter how much I needed em. I know dis sounds silly but – if I ever can buy my life 2 b permanently mine, I’ll pay 4 it @ whatever cost.

But sadly, dis is not wat we entitled 2 decide.

Hence now, I’m living my life back 2 da basics. No more FB 24/7, no more K-Pop during breakfast in da morning n no more Korean dramas b4 I go 2 bed, till I get a niu lappie *sigh*. But, Kamonnnn Zokhri, da great Rome was built without a computer. So do da pyramid, Titanic, da locomotive train, first car on earth, etc..etc.. n laptop wont feed u from ur hunger (although it feeds me spiritually). FOOD does! I will still b able 2 live comfortably n happily without dis 14 inch tool. After all, our early forefathers have shapped da world civilisation without da help of dis technology. And u av nothing 2 lose compared those who r incapable, handicapped, poor n starving all around ya.

Shudnt u b thankful, 4 those many gifts dat are surrounding u?

Or even on d day when I’ll belonged 2 da unfortunate events above-stated, I will hold both of my hands tight n say…

God Has Another Plan That I Seemed Not To Understand.

P/S: For unknown reason(s), I dunno why suddenly hot liquids rushing down from me eyes, streaming through my cheeks n landed on da paper Im writing on.

Thank you…for teaching me dis lappie. You’ll be greatly missed!

ZI

In loving, exciting and happening memory of My Dell Inspiron 6000 (2005 - 2010)

Welcoming February, The Month of Love

Feels Like It Was Only Yesterday

I have to keep myself reminded (most of the time) dat we’re entering da first decade of the millennium, in which, carries out the meaning dat Im indeed aging. Its hard 2 conceive da fact dat, 4 every second passed, 4 every day ended; giving me an indication dat my age will no longer be the same. Certainly, I thank God for been sparing my life up 2 dis second Im breathing, for without His mercy for da next millisecond, I mite not b able 2 blink my eyes (even 4 juz once). But da irony is – neither my mind nor my body can truly accept dis phenomenon of aging.


Which makes me clueless and been wondering da reason(s).


I keep on mistakenly writing da date as 2009 and encountered numerous embarrassing moments wif dat accidental error (u know da Japs cud be very annoyingly articulated when it cums 2 dis tiny lil matters), not 2 mention wif my lecturer – DUSH-


But I guess, dat is juz normal 4 me. It’s hard 4 me 2 let go of things, wat more memories in life. Probably I am living my life to da fullest, in da sense dat every hour of living, I’ll do it wif no regret and high level of encouragement. No doubt, 2009 cud b regarded nearly 2 da “dark age history” of mine (as I’ve learned da meaning of betrayal and self-interest supremacy from da 1st hand experience – no kidding!) But then, I managed 2 convert those undesirable tragedies into sumting dear 2 me. And I guess I did it in many ways:


I quarreled wif Mum and Dad because I love em – cuz by not telling em wat I want, I’ll grow regretness in my heart which latter transformed into putting the blame on em.

I broke up wif my ex bcuz I dun want h_ _ 2 keep on lying 2 me n finding excuses not 2 commit 2 our relationship. I want h_ _ 2 be free. And so do I.

I left my gurlies n their world, not bcuz I hate em, but 4 em 2 pursue things without me as it will never b da same with some regarded me as an “Axis of Evil” 4 da mistake which I never intended 2 commit.

I took da decision 2 leave da country not because I despise Malaysia for giving me these series of melancholic events, but 4 me 2 discover da more of myself when Im alone in a foreign land.

ALL IN ALL, I did it on da belief dat it was da best 4 me.


Hence, I never feel far from those memories cuz I tried 2 think em in da +’ve way. Da thing dat I discovered (after few of self-experiment) when thinking positively, you will never b far from da memories, as they remained near 2 u. As if it was yesterday everything had happened. And as long as they remain alive and fresh in my mind, my life can be regarded stagnant n not rapidly aging. Dat’s y my brain is hard 2 register da fact dat Im now in 2010 cuz it feels like 2009 still!


“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Suddenly, I’m not half to man I used to be, there’s a shadow hanging over me…”

-Beatles-

Nevertheless, I vow not 2 look back into da past n explore new strategies 2010 can offer 2 me. Obviously da lessons of my past are always sealed n tightly kept in da safest place of mine, but I will cringe no more 2 da past. N dat wat I mean by “POSITIONING” i.e. restructuring myself into the new time span 4 da next 365 days (wif God’s mercy, of course). Not really “REBRANDING”, cuz dere’s nothing surprisingly new I want 2 introduce, but merely few restructuring need to be carried out.


Da outcome? God knows wat. Perhaps, I’ll give a thot on it when dis year is coming 2 an end.


Gosh, now Im talking like a financial analyst. Must b because of forced self-indulgence into Cost-Benefit Analysis Course which drives me crazy for dis couple of weeks. Final assessment is next week, and Im already saturated wif Marshall Demand Curve, Pigounian Tax, Phillips Indifference Curve, Pareto Optimality … (hundred more to come)


God guides me through.

2010 for Hope, Wish and Love,

ZI